Founded: 1895, as Mercury Sports. As you can see, Reebok dabbled with a Roman god name before Nike came and ruined their shit with a Greek god name. Everyone knows you only use Roman god names for planets.
Logo: The name Reebok is derived from a type of South African gazelle. So I guess it sort of looks like that. Oh, who am I kidding? It looks like a highway that’s been blocked by a goddamn triangle. The Reebok logo used to include a British flag, before everyone figured out that the only sport British people excel at is darts.
Annual Revenue: $4 billion
Slogan: I Am What I Am. No doubt this slogan will have changed by the time of this book’s publication, if Popeye’s lawyers have anything to say about it.
Famous Endorsers: Shaquille O’Neal, Allen Iverson, Scarlett Johansson, Jay-Z . . . whoa, back up! Scarlett Johansson? Nice! I’m not sure she’s ever played sports, but who cares? Shit, I’d buy used syringes from Scarlett Johansson.
Signature Shoe: The Pump. An absolute sensation upon its launch, the Pump was a high-top basketball shoe with a special air pump on the tongue that increased the cushioning around your ankle. I had a pair when I was twelve. I enjoyed pumping it up until my feet were numb and then falling down the stairs.
Those are the three main brands out there. And since adidas owns Reebok, it’s more or less a two-horse race for global domination of the foot. Other brands include Converse (for basketball), And1 (also for basketball), New Balance (for runners), Airwalk (for annoying tween skaters I’d like to run over with a snowplow), K-Swiss (for no one), and Champion (for poor people who shop at Payless). All are fine companies with something to offer you, the professional. Except K-Swiss. Who the hell wears those fucking things?
Clippable Motivational Slogan!
Being a good endorser means not allowing your personal beliefs to interfere with your business relationships. After all, Republicans buy shoes, too. Usually docksiders.
— Michael Jordan
“I love this fertilizer!” The best products to endorse.
Part of being a good product endorser is knowing when to say no. It might seem like a good idea to grab a quick $100,000 for that Crazy Frog ringtone commercial, but you need to think of how that will impact your brand image in the long term. If you’re seen as a shameless whore who will hawk any old product, you’ll become less attractive to high-end advertisers, costing you opportunities down the road (on a totally unrelated note: have you tried new Pond’s Nourishing Facial Scrub? I can really feel the deep clean!).
You don’t necessarily have to be picky about what products you shill, you just need to choose products that make it appear as though you have discerning tastes. Ever seen Derek Jeter’s cologne? Looks fancy, right? Wrong. It’s made entirely of used brake fluid and Country Time Pink Lemonade mix. Hint of saffron, my ass.
Remember, you want to choose products that mesh synergistically with your newly established brand personality. If at all possible, you may even want to think of a line of products that bear your name. For example, Pacman Jones once trademarked a fragrance that smelled like freshly detonated C4 plastique explosive. It was a huge hit in some of the more blighted portions of the Southeast. Apart from shoes and athletic apparel, here are some other products that you can safely endorse without any danger of cheapening your image.
SPORTS DRINKS. Gatorade has long been a favorite product of athletes both on the field and on camera. Peyton Manning, Mia Hamm, and Michael Jordan are just a handful of the famous names that have stepped up to pitch Gatorade’s patented formula of radium-infused seawater. And you can do it, too! After all, Gatorade is constantly thinking up new ways to repackage Gatorade to make it look kinda different: Gatorade Frost, Gatorade Fierce, Gatorade Ice, Gatorade Bloodbath, and such and such.
FAST FOOD. Fast food endorsers love to have athletes hawk their food for obvious reasons. If a world-class athlete like you can eat McDonald’s, then their food has to have some semblance of nutritional value, right? This, as you know, is not true. But here’s why it’s still okay to pitch products like the Double Bacon and Cheddar Ranch Pork Chopwich. Most Americans are acutely aware of the health hazards of fast food. Yet many continue to eat it anyway, due to a simple lack of willpower. These people are weak, pathetic Americans that we don’t need. They drive up our health insurance premiums, drag down our economy, and are anything but aesthetically pleasing. By pitching in and making it that much harder for them to give up all that delicious, hearty food, you’re helping our nation purge itself of these fat, disgusting wildebeests. And that’s doing a great service to all the skinny, good-looking Americans. Kudos!