Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete's Handbook
Drew Magary
To my mom and dad
. . . who taught me not to say inappropriate things.
Which is why I wrote them all down instead.
Author’s Note
Certain quotes and testimonials attributed to various athletes, players, coaches, journalists, executives, and other people of note in this book have been wholly fabricated for the sake of humor — specifically, all quotes and testimonials attributed to the following persons: Gilbert Arenas, Charles Barkley, Barry Bonds, Howard Cosell, Johnny Damon, John Elway, Weeb Ewbank, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Michael Jordan, Ray Lewis, Vince Lombardi, Mike Lupica, Joe Morgan, Dirk Nowitzki, Arnold Palmer, Carson Palmer, Gary Payton, The Phillie Phanatic, Red Ruffing, Marge Schott, Chris Simms, Stephen A. Smith, Casey Stengel, David Stern, Joe Torre, Johnny Unitas, and Brenda Warner.
Chapter 1
Getting to Know You and Your Balls
An Introduction to Pro Athletedom
Welcome to the next level. You, sir, are a man with balls.
In the vast realm of sports literature, there has never been a book that has taught pro athletes how to be pro athletes. This is a pity, for pro athletes are people who need, nay, crave, guidance. Yet, no one off the field is willing to provide this guidance: not their coaches (too busy watching film), not their families (too busy buying leather goods at Barneys), not even Vince Lombardi (too busy slowly decaying into the soil). I recently asked a high-profile athlete who wished to remain anonymous (it was Tracy McGrady!) to map out his typical weekday for me. This is what he sent me:
10:00 a.m. — Wake up, followed immediately by a light nap
11:30 a.m. — Egg-white omelet with multigrain toast, slice of honeydew
12:00 p.m. — Xbox
3:00 p.m. — Light snack
3:05 p.m. — More Xbox
5:00 p.m. — Hop in Town Car to be escorted to arena; play Xbox in the backseat
5:30 p.m. — Rubdown by nubile twenty-three-year-old assistant trainer while playing Xbox
6:00 p.m. — Light snack and light nap, maybe some Xbox
7:00 p.m. — Shooting drills; discuss Xbox with fellow employees
7:30 p.m. — Light nap while playing Xbox
8:00 p.m. — Play real-life game
9:00 p.m. — Halftime; Xbox
10:00 p.m. — Game over; hop in Town Car to be escorted to club
10:30 p.m. — Late dinner, drinks; some light fellatio in a semiprivate alcove
1:00 a.m. — Asleep, unless new Xbox game has arrived
Now, does this sound like the schedule of someone who has direction in life? Pfft. Hardly. Pro athletes need a handbook that tells them everything they need to know to maximize their potential — on the field, at the bank, and in the bedroom (or, in some cases, in the arena utility room). At long last, that book has arrived. Welcome, good friend, to Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete’s Handbook.
You will find this book a veritable treasure trove of information and useful tips to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of athletic superstardom. For, while a career in professional sports provides you with fabulous wealth, adoring fans, and a fully stocked koi pond in your backyard, you must always be wary of its dangers. If you’re not careful, you could end up in prison. Or in a bad relationship. Or in Cleveland.
You’re luckier than your forebears, because you have this book to guide you. Throughout history, there have been many books written about pro athletes. But who, I ask you, has ever written a book for pro athletes? No one. And you know why? Because it would be idiotic from a marketing standpoint to write a book exclusively for a group of people who represent only a minuscule fraction of the general population, particularly since many of them choose not to read books anyway.
But let’s not let a little thing like common sense stand in our way. That’s for pussies.
The sad fact is that pro athletes like yourself have no idea how to handle the world they’ve been thrown into. The only people you have to rely on for help are other pro athletes. And many of those people, frankly, are retarded. Some pro sports leagues do offer symposia for rookies. But those presentations are long, boring, and gay. Yes, our pro athletes are sorely lacking proper education in the art of being a pro athlete. It’s a huge gap in academia. One that must be filled with great, thrusting force. And I’m just the person to supply such force.