Full Name: National Basketball Association
Logo: Jerry West against an all-American red, white, and blue backdrop. Many people believe this is merely a silhouette of West. Not true. That’s an actual photograph. I’m telling you, without the spray-on tanner, the man is whiter than an albino cancer patient.
Founded: 1946, as the Basketball Association of America, or BAA. The name was changed because too many people pronounced the acronym phonetically, just to be wiseasses.
Current Commissioner: David Stern
Commissioner Fifty Years from Now: David Stern. Did you really think mere death could kill David Stern? Foolish mortal.
Ball: Large. Round. Shape inspired by former Jazz center Oliver Miller.
Annual Revenue: $3.2 billion
Average Player Salary: $4 million
Guaranteed Contracts? Yes. And limited marijuana testing! They want you to enjoy yourself here. Please do so.
Skill Set Required: Wide base, excellent hand-eye coordination, court vision, the ability to make even the slightest physical contact seem a violation akin to forcible rape
Fan Demographics: Males, ages 13 to 30. Single. Black. Four to five grandchildren. Steadfastly believe it could be them out on that court if their middle school coach hadn’t, like, played favorites and shit.
Chick Magnet Factor: Ten to black women. Four to white women. White women see a black man taller than 6'6" and are simultaneously curious and terrified.
The NHL
Full Name: National Hockey League
Logo: Sort of looks like a police badge, which the league may have done intentionally, just for the delicious irony. The logo also features all-Americ — Wait, what’s that? Their logo is black and silver? What pathetic, twisted Third World nation is that supposed to represent? Want to know why you’re the redheaded stepchild of pro sports, NHL? Take a look at your logo, and then go get fucked.
Founded: 1917
Current Commissioner: Gary Bettman. Few people know that Gary Bettman was born without a pituitary gland and is only 3'8".
Commissioner Fifty Years from Now: No one
Ball: Round. Flat. Not actually a ball
Annual Revenue: $2 billion (Note: That’s gross revenue. Net revenue is unavailable. Literally.)
Average Player Salary: $1.5 million
Guaranteed Contracts? Shockingly, yes.
Skill Set Required: Strong legs, quick wrists, an inability to recognize that pain is the nervous system’s way of telling your brain that something is amiss with your body
Fan Demographics: Stuart Nelson of Wayzata, MN. Fourteen years old. Single
Chick Magnet Factor: A surprising eight. As an NHL player, your brain is a blank canvas women are often eager to work with.
You may also play an individual sport that has no league affiliation. Sports like golf, tennis, and boxing offer the freedom of individual play, along with sizable event purses. Even better, being an independent contractor athlete means that you are your own boss. Whew! No pesky coaching for you, just a domineering father who will push you to the very fringes of sanity before dying at the exact moment you need him most. It’s a pretty sweet deal. After all, there’s no I in team, unless there’s no team.
So those are your options. Feeling settled in now? Good. Time to work. And by work, I mean play.
Clippable Motivational Slogan!
Winning isn’t everything. Kicking your man while he’s down, watching him writhe in agony and clutch at his rib cage like a little girl while you let out a slow, demonic cackle — that’s also pretty sweet.
— VINCE LOMBARDI
Chapter 2
It’s Not Just a Sport; It’s Now a Soul-Crushing Job
On the Field
You don’t get to play those pussies from Rice anymore: what to expect on the field.
Now that you’re a pro, you’re going to have to learn to adjust to the differences inherent in the pro game. It’s a far different enterprise than the game you played at the collegiate level. For one, you will now be paid in real money, instead of being “paid” with a scholarship. As currencies go, American dollars are far more useful than any sort of forced learning. Especially if you studied sociology, the major for people who enjoy being useless. But I mainly want to drill down the differences in style of play here.