WHERE YOU’RE GOING. It’s the biggest issue on your mind: What team will choose you? Will it be Utah? Man, you really hope it isn’t Utah. Utah blows. People there are creepy. One time I went to Utah and saw a nine-month-old wearing an engagement ring. How did Utah even get a team? If you were drafted by Utah, how would you make sure you got out of Utah quickly, without even having to visit? God, now you’re all nervous. This Utah business is pretty fucked up.
I’m not going to lie: it’s completely out of your hands. But the good news is it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can force a trade later on. However, be warned: everyone after that will hate you and consider you something less than a man. Which, in the case of Steve Francis, is more or less justified. For ideas on places you should weasel your way out of, see page 15.
WHAT TO WEAR. No dilemma is more baffling than what to wear the night you are drafted. It’s your chance to make a first impression on the general sporting public (actually, given the prolificacy of ESPN, it’s your 1,234,987th impression). So you need to dress for the occasion.
Are you black? Then God has provided you with a brilliant canvas of a complexion against which all bright colors will pop, to use a designer term. Don’t wear muted colors or earth tones. That’s for pussies. I want to see you in cherry reds, electric blues, and even canary yellows. Charles Oakley can probably lend you something. And no double-breasted jackets. You know who’s double-breasted? Women. You’re not a woman, are you? Also, the more buttons on your suit jacket, the better. Marshall Faulk still holds the record, rocking an incredible forty-two buttons on his jacket the night he was drafted. You couldn’t even see his head. Bad. Ass.
Are you white? Yeah, well, then do the opposite of what I just told you. Cracka. For more fashion tips, see chapter 10 posthaste.
WHO TO BRING. Bringing someone with you to draft night means that you care for them deeply, or have accidentally impregnated them. As a pro athlete, you need to arrange a support system for yourself. That all starts here. Or, depending upon whom you exclude, that all ends here. Here is a brief list of mandatory people to bring.
? Your mother
? Your grandmother and grandfather (mother’s side)
? Your college or high school girlfriend (don’t worry, you’re breaking up with her later that night)
? Your best friend
? One cousin of your choosing
? Your wife and five children (BYU draftees only)
? Your high school coach (his wife is optional)
That’s the list. Many athletes go well past this tally, but remember, you aren’t just setting up a support system for yourself, you are also setting yourself up as the support system for anyone you bring. The more people you bring, the more people you have to share in your success with. Do you really want to bring your stepfather? I don’t like the way he looks at you. He seems just a little too chummy, if you get my drift. Very handsy.
CELEBRATING. Be sure to do all your celebrating the night before the draft. Why? Because, if you are drafted high, the owner of the team that chooses you will immediately whisk you off in a private plane (complete with lacquered minibar!) to a meet-and-greet with coaches and management. That’s right: they want to put you to work immediately. Unreal. Dicks. And if you are drafted low, you will inevitably be disappointed in where you went and will order loved ones out of the room so that you can destroy valuable objects in a frenzy of blind, uncontrollable anger. I suggest the lamp. It smashes with little effort. I also suggest swearing a blood oath of vengeance against the teams that passed you over.
Should you find yourself disappointed on draft night, fear not: you will have someone there to comfort you.
“Wow! Cash in an envelope!” Selecting an agent.
Since you’re talented enough to be a pro athlete, there’s a good chance you’ve been dealing with agents since the age of eight. It’s important that you find an agent who will maximize your earning potential. But more important, you want an agent who will provide you with a false sense of security in your own abilities. You want a man willing to whitewash reality for you at any cost, and to provide a twisted form of substitute love and devotion that will fill the gaping hole in your heart left over from an unhappy childhood. Is that worth a lifetime tithing of all your earnings? Shit yeah.
Now, there are many agents to choose from. You can choose an oily agent or a slick agent or even a conniving agent. Or you could go in an alternative direction and choose a family member or lifelong family friend. If you choose to go that route, take this book, close it, and slam it against your face until your eyes and ears bleed. Don’t be a shithead. Take the agent experienced in shady, underhanded dealings and don’t look back.
Many agents will put together elaborate PowerPoint decks that detail their long-term and short-term plans for making you a multimedia superstar. You don’t need to actually read these presentations. I suggest judging them strictly by thickness.
Agents will also offer gifts or perks to persuade you to sign with them. I call them sweeteners, which is very clever on my end. Here are the sweeteners you should expect.
? Money
? Trip to Vegas or the Bahamas
? Time-share for your parents