Pro athletes living in Green Bay are 53 percent more likely to die in accidents involving autoerotic asphyxiation.
Kneel before your master: knowing your league.
There are three major professional sports leagues in North America: the NFL, MLB, and the NBA. There is also the NHL, which may or may not still exist as of this printing. Notice that each league has given itself a three-letter acronym. There’s something powerful about three-letter acronyms. I can’t explain it. Would you watch a league called the NFKL? No, you would not.
THE BEST CITIES FOR PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES
OUTSTANDINGNOT BADKINDA SHITTYNTERCHANGEABLE FLY-OVER TOWNS WITH LOTS OF MALLS AND OBESE TODDLERSSHITHOLES
1. Los Angeles 9. Atlanta 18. Orlando 28. Milwaukee 38. Baltimore
2. Miami 10. New Orleans * 19. Anaheim 29. Pittsburgh 39. Memphis
3. San Diego 11. San Antonio 2. East Rutherford, NJ ** 30. Minneapolis 40. Jacksonville
4. New York 12. Denver 21. Nashville 31. Cleveland 41. Boston ***
5. Phoenix 13. Washington, DC 22. Raleigh 32. Detroit 42. Buffalo
6. Chicago 14. Philadelphia 23. Uniondale, NY (Long Island) 34. Kansas City
8. San Francisco 15. Charlotte 24. Houston 35. St. Louis
16. Seattle 25. Oakland 36. Columbus
17. Portland 26. Tampa 37. Cincinnati
27. San Jose
* Move this up nine spaces if you plan on breaking the law
** So long as you commute from Manhattan
*** Move this up thirty spaces if you’re white
These are leagues with proud histories — histories that, for our purposes, are largely irrelevant. I’m going to skip the boring crap and cut right to the vital information you need upon entering your respective league. I hope you have a highlighter on your person.
The NFL
Full Name: National Football League
Logo: A coat of arms, featuring all-American red, white, and blue colors with stars that echo the American flag. The logo was slightly modified in 2008, presumably because the serif on the end of the L on the old one was just too queer.
Founded: 1921, as the American Professional Football Association (APFA), only to have its name changed a year later (see what I mean about four-letter acronyms?)
Current Commissioner: Roger Goodell
Commissioner Fifty Years from Now: Condoleezza Rice’s cloned twin sister/daughter. As commissioner, Rice II will control all of the league’s expanded holdings, including the Ford Motor Company, half of Eastern Europe, Peyton Manning’s frozen sperm, CNN, the Ohio State University, and the entire Lutheran sect of the Christian Church.
Ball: Oblong
Annual Revenue: $6.4 billion
Average Player Salary: $1.1 million
Guaranteed Contracts? No. You should want to play for the love of the game, you selfish bastard.
Skill Set Required: Speed, lateral agility, quick recognition of formations and audibles, a deep-seated, primal urge to hurt people that can potentially spill over into civilian life should certain psychological triggers be tragically provided
Fan Demographics: Males, ages 18 to 45. Married. White. Two to three children. Needs regular doses of alcohol to cope with the cruel monotony of day-to-day living.
Chick Magnet Factor: Ten if you play quarterback. Three if you play anything else. Big men scare the ladies away.
MLB
Full Name: Major League Baseball
Logo: A silhouette of a batter poised to hit a ball that will forever remain tantalizingly just out of his reach. It’s a logo inspired by both John Keats and former Detroit Tiger Rob Deer, who sucked. Features all-American red, white, and blue colors. Baseball is often called the national pastime. The nation that moniker refers to is Cuba.
Founded: 1903
Current Commissioner: Allan H. (Bud) Selig, the first and last Jewish man to go by the name Bud
Commissioner Fifty Years from Now: Bob Costas III, who will be just as pretentious and disturbingly ageless as his grandfather. He will be hired as a cruel prank by owners, who will then gleefully stonewall him at every turn. He will accomplish nothing.
Ball: Round. Small. Hard. Stings like a bitch when you get one in the eye at age seven (thanks, Dad).
Annual Revenue: $5.2 billion
Average Player Salary: $2.5 million
Guaranteed Contracts? Yes. So chew all the Red Man you want. The cost to surgically remove a three-inch mouth tumor is relative chump change.
Skill Set Required: Quick hands, good arm, intangible feel for hitting the ball that George Will could probably drone on about for hours on end, like it’s magic or something. What a douche.
Fan Demographics: Males, ages 65 and over. Widowed. White. Four to five grandchildren, one of whom he will inevitably drag to the ballpark, hoping to generate a spark of wonderment in the child’s eyes, only to fail and become more disillusioned with the state of our nation’s youth, taking his own life shortly thereafter
Chick Magnet Factor: Seven. Change that to a negative integer if your first name is David and your last name is Wells.
The NBA