Many athletes make the mistake of overindulging in accessories, and it can have serious repercussions. What Jacob the Jeweler won’t tell you about that diamond-encrusted Rolex with matching scepter is that you will need Tommy John surgery after one year of wearing it. Shaquille O’Neal owns a necklace with so much ice that, to this day, he still attributes all of his back problems to it. It’s a convenient way for him to avoid diet and exercise. I suggest going with the classic diamond stud earrings. They let women know you’re rich, but they also let women know that you probably have money left over to spend on them, and they really dig that in a man.
One other note on religious jewelry. Many people decry ostentatious religious symbols. They say it’s against the teachings of Christ. Wrong. As a Christian, it’s your job to spread the word of Jesus throughout the land. The bigger and more noticeable your piece of jewelry, the louder it will speak to the masses. That 300-carat carved ruby cross around your neck is like a giant billboard for God’s majesty. It says to people, “I’m Christian, and I am a disgusting success.” Is that spreading God’s word? Fuck and yes. Who wouldn’t want to accept Jesus into their lives after seeing how well it pays off? Plus, you could use the argument that doing such a great service to the Lord makes you exempt from tithing your salary. Now that’s putting the “God” in “gaudy.”
The ultimate get-rich-quick scheme: a guide to free agency.
How much money can you earn over the life span of your career? You might think it depends on how good of an athlete you are. Not so. It’s really just a matter of good timing. Even a mediocre athlete can earn tens of millions of dollars simply by playing the free agent market correctly. You no doubt have a clause in your current contract that allows you to opt out for free agency early if you choose. EXERCISE IT. I don’t care if you’re the worst player in the history of the universe. The fact that you are merely available to other teams can increase your salary by 200 percent or more.
HEAR IT FROM A MINOR LEAGUER!
Maybe I’ll live like a pro one day, too! Oh, God. It’s never gonna happen, is it? Shit.
by minor leaguer Ray Johnson
Man, look at you! You got a bigass house, and all those cars, and a freaking speedboat! That is so cool. I can’t wait to party with you when I reach the big leagues, man. It’s gonna be awesome. When I get up there, man, I’m gonna buy all kinds of cool shit. I’m gonna buy my mom a house, then I’m gonna set up my sisters so they don’t ever have to work again. Then, I’m gonna buy a little condo on South Beach, just for chillin’ in the off-season. We’re gonna party, man. It’s gonna be so fucking cool. We’ll compare jewelry, hang out at expensive clubs together, get laid. It’s gonna be great.
Really.
I’m super excited.
I can’t wait.
(sighs)
Oh, God.
(buries head in hands)
Dear God, it’s never gonna happen for me, is it? I’m never getting out of Boise, am I? I’ll never make it to the big leagues. Ever.
(chokes up)
Shit, man.
I mean, really. Jesus. Shit.
(grabs tissues)
You know I’m thirty-one now? Thirty-one goddamn years old. Been playing in this shithole for thirteen years. I’ve spent nearly half my life here, playing meaningless game after meaningless game. Shit, people don’t even come out to watch the games here. They only come out for the theme nights. We had three thousand people turn out for Dress Like Larry King Night. They all left by the fourth inning. Sometimes they let toddlers run around in the outfield in the middle of the game. Christ. Shoot me in the balls.
I heard you guys travel in private planes. Is it true? Oh, God, how I’d love that. We travel in a Bonanza bus that was decommissioned in 1968. It smells like mothballs. We don’t go anywhere interesting. Our most exciting road trip last year was to Billings, because they have a theater that plays first-run movies. Imagine that. Imagine spending over a decade riding a bus to nowhere. Imagine living for just one goal and never reaching it. Imagine the emptiness you feel when you realize that it’s all been for naught.
I think I’m gonna be sick.
I could have had a family by now. I could have had a career in financial lending or something. Instead, I’m road-tripping it to Pullman for a day-night doubleheader that will be forgotten the moment we finish playing. We’re staying at a Motel 6 that’s been the scene of six different murders.
(sticks head between knees)
I heard you guys carry wads of $100 bills in platinum money clips. Can I see yours? Please? I just . . . I just want to smell it.
(You pull out a wad of $100 bills in a platinum money clip.)
Oh, wow.
(smells it)
God, that smells so good. Do you ever just smell your money? I’d do that all day if I were you. I’d just sit naked in my room and rub cash all over my face. Then I’d spell out FUCK BOISE on the floor with the bills and take a digital picture of it to be the wallpaper on my laptop.
What am I gonna do with my life? You’d think I’d be old enough by now to let go of my childhood dreams and get started on living a regular old life, but you’d be wrong. The longer I stay at this, the harder it is to give up. The closer I get to the end, the more determined I am to hold on, because I know there’s nothing else after this. I envy the guys that get injured. At least their dreams are shattered right away. At least they’re forced to quit cold turkey. Me? Deep down, I know I’m never making it. But as long as I’m here, it technically means there’s a chance, right?