NO ONE IS COMING TO HELP YOU, YOUNG DARNELL.
Oh, no! The Centipede Queen has found me! Quick! Find something to beat her away with! A magazine! A PR-24! Anything!
THERE IS NO HELP FOR YOU NOW, YOUNG DARNELL. WE HAVE DUG DEEP AND MADE A NICE HOME FOR OURSELVES HERE. YOUR CAVELIKE NOSTRILS WILL MAKE A FINE MATING HABITAT, INDEED.
You’ll never take me alive, Queen! NEVER! Please, help me! Can’t you see that they’re real? Don’t abandon me in my darkest hour! You and you alone can help me find the precious White Stones of Jersey City! Wait in the back alley behind the Gristedes, and a man named Fabrice will appear. He is a purveyor of valuable crystals contained in very small Ziploc bags, and he’ll be able to save me! Please! Do it with all haste!
IT IS TOO LATE, YOUNG DARNELL. TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
No, no, NOOOO!
Chapter 10
It’s About Goddamn Time
Money
Mother. Fucking. Paid.
You know, I’ve spent a majority of this book coaching you on avoiding certain kinds of behavior and outlining troublesome scenarios that may occur as a result of your newfound fame and fortune. And frankly, I’ve been a bit of a buzz kill. I apologize. I’m a douche. I certainly don’t mean to paint your new life as a pro athlete as something horrible. Quite the contrary: as a modern pro athlete, you’re entitled to an income and perks that would make Curt Flood shit a brick. So it’s time to sit back and enjoy it. What kind of luxurious life awaits you? Consider the game of MASH I designed just for you, on the following page.
Have a friend draw little ticks in the center box until you say stop. Count the number of ticks in the box, and that is your magic number. Count through each option consecutively until the magic number is reached. Then cross off the option that you land on. Do this until there is only one option left on each side. As you can see, you will be left with either a Mansion, a Mansion, or a Mansion; a stripper, a cheerleader, or an actress; a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, or a Bugatti; and anywhere between twelve and fourteen children. Sound good to you? Fuck and yes.
The best part of having lots of money is that it allows you to buy things that let other people know that you have lots of money: mansions, limos, speedboats, white tigers, etc. Items like these aren’t merely status symbols. That’s a shallow way of thinking. No, these material goods are victory symbols. You excelled at sports long enough to earn a $40 million guaranteed contract. In the game of life, you just won! You have fuck-you money now! Game over, baby! Everything you buy with that money is a tribute to your triumph over having to spend the rest of your life working like a sucker, like everyone else has to. Every fancy house you buy is a stop on the endless victory parade that is your existence. It’s not superficial. It’s a celebration. And anyone who thinks otherwise is, pardon my French, a fucking tightass.
So let’s shop! I’m taking off the hat of Life Coach for this chapter and putting on the hat of Personal Stylist. It’s made of pink satin and has gorgeous yellow feathers sticking out of it. Follow me, girl!
If it doesn’t have a home theater, you’re a pussy. Choosing a house.
Allow me to take you through your new 30,000-square-foot dream house. Many pros make the mistake of tying up all their money in new estates and then personalizing them to the point of having little to no resale value. I don’t want that to happen to you. I have listed below twenty-six state-of-the-art amenities for your new home. I suggest including only twenty of them. It prevents your new home from becoming a financial albatross, one that only Billy Joel would be stupid enough to buy.
Welcome home, my friend. This is your own private Xanadu. Don’t forget to wipe your feet before coming in!
I’m just kidding. It’s your house. You don’t have to wipe jack shit.
ATRIUM. Every mansion needs a gigantic atrium, or foyer. An atrium lets guests know that your house is, in addition to being big on the outside, big on the inside. Be sure to get marble floors installed, or do a tile mosaic of your jersey number. If you’re single, or estranged from your wife, I also suggest having random women in bikinis and high heels milling about. You also may want to place a house directory in your lobby, so you know where to go if you really gotta pee.
GLASS ELEVATOR. Ever been to a mall? Glass elevators rule.
Sturdy wrought-iron gates help protect you from potential groundlings!
DUAL ESCALATORS. A refreshing alternative to the glass elevator for those who want to get a little exercise. Also fun for children to play on.
PROFESSIONAL CHEF KITCHEN. Complete with butcher block, All-Clad pots and pans, Viking oven and range, Sub-Zero fridge, and more. Now, you too can be a yuppie asshole who owns a $500,000 kitchen and orders takeout every night.
ARCADE. Please invite me over if you have Cyberball.