8. YOU WILL BE TESTED FOR THEM. Random drug testing is a staple of every major league’s collective bargaining agreement. Unless you play baseball, in which case your test will take place on March 3 at 3:00 p.m. sharp every year. Don’t forget!
Here’s how the testing will go down. You will receive a call from league officials to report to team headquarters. A league official will then meet you in the foyer and escort you to the bathroom. Then, he will escort you to the handicapped stall for privacy. Then, he will make you strip naked, checking underneath your scrotum for any smuggled bags of clean urine. Then, he will tug on your penis to make sure it is not a prosthetic. Then, he will have you urinate into a brandy snifter. He will then swirl the urine three times, take in the bouquet, and give it a taste. Depending upon whether or not he disapproves of it, he may then elect to spit the urine out. That’s his decision. He will then have you fill the specimen cup. This cup is then sent to a lab in Alabama, where the urine is placed in a vial and spun around real fast in one of those bitchin’ centrifuge things. Then, a lab technician will test the urine. If it comes up positive . . . BOOM! One-month suspension. You’d think the process was punishment enough.
9. TESTING CAN BE BEATEN. You may also think this process is foolproof, but it is not. Are you urinating your own urine? You asshat. Only amateurs do that. Check online for random strangers who will happily sell you pouches of clean, injectable urine for testing purposes, or just for partying. You can also procure powdered urine, which looks and tastes exactly like Crystal Light. Or you can choose to “cycle” your steroid use in order to test clean during the months of the year you know testing is taking place. It’s based on the same principle as timing ovulation, which may also come in handy for you down the road, since using steroids will cause you to grow vestigial female reproductive organs.
10. IF YOU TEST POSITIVE, NEVER ADMIT IT. Always blame a tainted supplement. Or blame a Snickers Marathon bar. No one knows what’s in those fucking things. Or blame Miguel Tejada. No one ever buys these defenses, but that’s beside the point. Blaming a scapegoat keeps you from having to admit that you did steroids, and that’s all that matters. But you have to stick to your story. Reporters will urge you to come clean, telling you it can only improve your image. Don’t believe them! It’s the notorious Schaap trap! They’ll fuck you blind! Stay strong, my friend! The longer you continue to deny it, the less interested people become in whether or not you confess.
There’s also the added bonus that the longer you lie, the more apt you are to begin believing the lie. And once you’ve phased out the reality of your circumstances altogether, it’s like it never happened. Your slate is clean!
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
The percentage of athletes using steroids has long been the source of great speculation. But now, I have acquired the official percentages by sport. Here they are:
Also, if you test positive for drugs, always appeal the ruling. Urine can be mishandled, spilled, or even switched with other urine. Scientists are legendary for their clumsiness, so take advantage.
Oh, fuck! You got hooked on illegal drugs!
In addition to being tested for performance-enhancing drugs, you’ll also be tested for illegal recreational drugs such as cocaine, ecstasy, and that saucy little temptress known as marijuana. A positive test for illegal drugs will merit a suspension without pay. This despite the fact that they have no performance-enhancing qualities, except in professional table tennis, where cocaine can make you unstoppable.
But let’s skip the practical reasons to avoid drugs for a moment and focus on the moral reasons. Doing illegal drugs isn’t just a crime, it’s a sin. You can only take legal, prescription drugs engineered by multi-billion-dollar corporations that operate with little to no congressional oversight. That’s the ethical way to take drugs. Otherwise, abusing illegal drugs is wrong.
That is, unless you’re doing them correctly. If you do drugs the right way, holy shit. I mean, seriously, holy fucking shit. You will become an ethereal spirit transcending multiple planes of existence. Every neuron in your body will pulse with red-hot, orgasmic joy. Every step you take will feel like a growing leap toward the stratosphere, and suddenly all that is good in life will collide into one gigantic white dwarf of ecstasy. You will feel as if your heart has burst from your chest and risen to the heavens. I tell you, people who say getting high isn’t worth it have never been high. It’s amazing.
Now, this all comes at a price. Illegal drugs are addictive and can ruin your career. Is it worth alienating your friends and losing your job just so you can do drugs? Probably not, unless the shit you get is really potent. Let’s go through each drug one by one and see the bodies left in their wake.
Marijuana