Case Study #6: Latrell Sprewell
The Quote: (wanting a new deal while then making $14 million a year) “Why would I want to help [the Timberwolves] win a title? They’re not doing anything for me. I’m at risk. I have a lot of risk here. I got my family to feed.”
The Judgment: Insulting! You can feed a family for far less than $14 million a year, unless that family is Prince Fielder’s. This quote is also incomplete, because what Sprewell really said was, “I got my family to feed . . . to my pack of voracious pit bulls.” Don’t publicly complain about your salary. Fans already despise you for who you are. It’s what they live for. There’s no need to give them extra kindling for their burning pyre of hatred.
Case Study #7: Garrison Hearst
The Quote: “Aww, hell no! I don’t want any faggots on my team. I know this might not be what people want to hear, but that’s a punk. I don’t want any faggots in this locker room.”
The Judgment: Homophobic! Look, we already know that gays are not welcome in professional sports. The longer you keep that fact quiet, the longer your league can continue to do nothing about it. It’s just like sexism. Don’t spoil the rampant homophobia for everyone else. Dick. Bashing gays, especially when using a word as insensitive as faggot, will earn you fines, and suspensions, and keep reporters and GLAAD protesters badgering you for months on end. Now you’re the one being buttfucked. Not so much fun now, is it, Mr. Macho?
Case Study #8: Elijah Dukes
The Quote: (to his wife, via voice mail) “You dead, dawg. I ain’t even bullshittin’.”
The Judgment: Stupid voice mail! Elijah Dukes obviously failed to understand that voice mail exists to replay exactly what you said, often multiple times if necessary. If you’re going to threaten someone, for God’s sake, don’t do it over voice mail. For one thing, it’s impersonal. For another, it’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Seriously, Elijah Dukes might just be the dumbest man on the face of the Earth. I ain’t even bullshittin’.
Case Study #9: Mike Tyson
The Quote: “My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat [Lennox Lewis’s] children. Praise be to Allah!”
The Judgment: Insane! Eating children is only acceptable to the Lau’ii tribes of Papua / New Guinea. The rest of the world will not stand for it. Besides, children are resourceful. One minute, you’re getting ready to enjoy a little Hansel and Gretel Stroganoff, the next minute Hansel’s big poppa is throwing your ass in the oven. Not fun.
Case Study #10: Carl Everett
The Quote: “God created the sun, the stars, the heavens, and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex.”
The Judgment: Retarded! Seriously, what a fucking dumbass. Step aside, Elijah Dukes. I’ve found me a bigger idiot.
Saying the wrong thing isn’t an automatic career killer. Many athletes have bounced back from the ill-timed faux pas. If you apologize publicly for your comments, keep your big piehole shut, and get back to playing ball, you should find yourself back in everyone’s good graces in no time. After all, we are a country that loves to give people second chances, largely because it gives us a second chance to tear you fuckers down again.
Clippable Motivational Slogan!
Young athletes today lack the cognitive ingenuity and verbal adroitness necessary to be able to pontificate in front of a microphone with any semblance of sagaciousness. HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT LITTLE MONKEY RUN DOWN THE FIELD!
— HOWARD COSELL
Oh, fuck! Reporters! Your guide to the media news cycle.
If you did something wrong, you aren’t immediately going to know it. No, the media enjoys building stories to a long and excruciating crescendo, as a way of punishing both you and the viewer. A quick timeline for you.
DAY 1. This is the day you did something stupid. Because you were stupid enough to do whatever stupid thing it is that you did, chances are you are also too stupid to know that what you did was stupid. Sound complicated? This is because you are stupid. You will spend your day skipping around in a blissful state of ignorance. I suggest going outside and tossing an Aerobie around. It’s like a Frisbee, only gayer!