Bad Publicity Factor (1–10) : 8. People only like wife-beating when they’re watching mob films. You pretty much deserve the scorn here. No one likes a wife-beater, unless that wife-beater is Ike Turner. The man was charming even when he was giving you a shiner.
Famous Perpetrators: Jason Richardson, Ron Artest, Dave Duerson, Wil Cordero
Assault and Battery
What It Is: Laying the smack down on a motherfucker
Why It Is Wrong: Every now and again a belligerent provocateur (usually wearing a Lacoste shirt) will try to goad you into a fight. Why does this happen to you, the pro athlete? Because you are the ultimate man. You are big, strong, and rich. Everyone loves you. The common man, such as myself, simply cannot compare. I bet you think your shit don’t stink, don’t ’cha? Well, fuck that. I’m not afraid of you, bitch. Let’s see what you’re really made of, tiger!
As you can see, you inspire great feelings of jealous rage among average Joes. Provoking you is a manifestation of their own insecurity. If you beat the ever-loving shit out of some aggressive idiot (which is what would happen if you fought him), you’re only sending him further down his spiral of self-loathing.
Which is fine. Except that this is illegal for some reason.
Bad Publicity Factor (1–10) : 1. Fighting doesn’t make you look tough. Unless you win. Everybody loves an asskicker.
Famous Perpetrators: Lawrence Phillips, Ruben Patterson, Mike Tyson
Illegal Firearm Possession
What It Is: Owning or concealing a gun without a proper permit
Why It Is Wrong: Guns are legal in America. Anyone can own them. Even the mentally ill. But you can’t just go and buy a gun. You first have to fill out a form. That way, everyone will know you’re fit to own one.
Many athletes are gun owners. It’s a matter of personal security. If you’re confronted with an assailant, it’s far easier to shoot the assailant dead than to run away from him using your God-given speed. You could pull a hammy doing that.
Bad Publicity Factor (1–10): 5. Getting booked on gun charges says to people that you are a dangerous individual liable to go off at any second. Frankly, it’s a bit of a turn-on.
Famous Perpetrators: Maurice Clarett, Tank Johnson, Mike Tyson
Rape / Sexual Assault
What It Is: Rape, also known as pop-in sex, or gotcha! sex, is defined as nonconsensual sex. This is a bit of a misnomer. It’s actually half-consensual sex. Obviously, you consented to have sex. The woman? Not so much.
Why It Is Wrong: You mean, apart from it being the most heinous crime in humankind? Well, there’s also the fact that it’s not terribly sexy. It’s also quite a difficult crime to perform on a technical scale. Most guys have a hard enough time getting in there when the woman is willing. I can’t imagine how hard it would be without her cooperation.
There’s also the fact that raping a woman scars her for life, forcing her to make the terrible decision to either remain silent and ashamed about her attack, or to press charges against you, only to have her name and reputation trashed by your high-priced legal team, which is tantamount to being raped over and over again. Oh, and there’s the fact that, should she choose the latter, she’ll go through the terrible ordeal of a trial that will discourage future victims from coming forward and encourage future perpetrators to continue their treachery.
Other than that, I can’t think of much else wrong with it.
Bad Publicity Factor (1–10): 10. Nobody likes rape. Except for indie filmmakers, who can’t seem to get enough of it. Rape a woman, and you can expect an angry mob to follow you throughout the rest of your time here on Earth. Be sure to look for me. I’ll be the one with the battle-ax. You fuck.
Famous Perpetrators: Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson
Murder / Manslaughter
What It Is: Making another person dead
Why It Is Wrong: Look, everyone has four or five people they’d love to take out. My list is actually quite extensive, with Jimmy Fallon and Paris Hilton being the most notable names in the top 250. My wife would strangle Ann Curry with piano wire if it were legal. But you can’t do it. It’s the sixth commandment, which actually seems a little low on God’s priority list. But whatever. Don’t kill anyone. Aside from taking away someone’s life, the ensuing Dostoyevskian inner struggle you experience will make you a real drag to be around.
Bad Publicity Factor (1–10): 10. But you will get random marriage proposals while you’re in the pokey. I suggest marrying the first one to send a decent photo. What’s the downside?
Famous Perpetrators: Mike Tyson (scheduled for 2010)
There’s your guide. Apart from drug possession, which I will discuss later on, this pretty much covers it. You have no excuse to go committing crimes now. Unless you can’t read, in which case you can plead ignorance.