There is one saving grace of ESPN, however. Because ESPN is in bed with the principals of every major sport, it behooves them to give you softer treatment than an Upper East Side mother gives her offspring. Did you get arrested once? What arrest? Stuart Scott doesn’t remember any arrest! That must have been some crazy dream you had!
It’s like sodomy for your ears! Your guide to the average talk radio host.
Radio, the medium for people too poor to afford an iPod, has been taken over by the sports talk format in recent years. Why? Consider that the average American spends roughly two hours a day sitting in traffic. It’s tough sitting there in your car, all alone, with no one to talk to. Sometimes, I think about death. Not cool. That’s why I turn on the radio. You need something to break the silence and protect you from having to deal with your own thoughts. Talk radio shows save you from isolation by forcing you to listen to a former high school physical education teacher give a rambling, incoherent soliloquy about the state of modern sports. It’s not very entertaining, but considering that music stations play warmed-over donkey shit like Nickelback now, there’s no real alternative.
Talk shows thrive on vitriol. These are three-hour-long shows hosted by people like Colin Cowherd, who has all the charisma of a dying ferret. There’s a lot of dead air to fill. And apart from making. Very long. Dramatic pauses. In order. To fill. The space, the best way to make those hours fly by is to verbally tear you, the athlete, limb from limb. It’s hard for people to be passionate about something they love. It’s much easier for them to be passionate about something they hate. And that something is you. Take a look at this sample transcript:
(Loud guitar stock music comes on)
OVERLY MACHO VOICE-OVER:
You are in . . . the House of Pain!
The House of Pain?
THE HOUSE OF PAIN!
With Steve “the Madman” Franklin!!!!
He’s talkin’ sports! Goin’ at it HARD!
Ready to bring the HEAT!!!!!!!
And now, from the AutoZone studios at Fox Sports Radio, it’s THE MAAAAAAAADMAN!
MADMAN:
What’s up. It’s Tuesday. It’s the Madman. You know the drill. I want you guys to come hard with your opinions. That’s how we operate here. Go hard, or go home. That’s our motto. Before we get raw, I just want to thank Einstein Brothers Bagels for bringing in today’s breakfast. Tim, you like the bagels?
PRODUCER STATIONED BEHIND THE GLASS WHO SECRETLY HATES THE HOST:
Absolutely.
MADMAN:
Bet you had the poppy seed one, right?
You’re such a homo, Tim.
PRODUCER STATIONED BEHIND THE GLASS WHO SECRETLY HATES THE HOST:
(joking but not joking) Bite me.
MADMAN:
Ha! I love it. I’m gonna get to the phone lines in a sec, but first, I want to talk about this (your name) situation. Okay? This guy . . . (long pause) I don’t even know what to say. I mean . . . (long pause) how do you go from hitting .320 in August to hitting .190 in September? (long pause) Can you explain that to me? (long pause) Anyone? (long pause) I mean, it is just inconceivable to me. (long pause) To go from hitting .320 in August . . . (long pause) to hitting .190 in September. (long pause) That’s a full 130 points less. (long pause) That’s 13 percent. (long pause) That’s a big drop. (long pause, takes a sip of coffee) That’s in just one month. And this guy’s perfectly healthy! And he’s making $5 million a year! (long pause) I don’t make $5 million a year. Do you make $5 million a year, Tim?
PRODUCER STATIONED BEHIND THE GLASS WHO SECRETLY HATES THE HOST:
Nope.
MADMAN:
Yeah, I know Tim definitely doesn’t make that much. You know what this is? This is symptomatic of today’s professional athlete. We guarantee these guys millions of dollars up front, and they’re playing like they’ve already earned it. And then they just start slacking!
JEFF SPICOLI SOUND BITE:
“Aloha, Mr. Hand!”
MADMAN:
Ha! Nice pull, Tim! Anyway, want to get your thoughts on this. Call us or text us at 640 on your T-Mobile phone. Going to Jeff. Jeff, what do you think of this jackass? Bring it hard! Don’t spare this guy!
JEFF:
(static)
MADMAN:
Okay, Jeff, I need you to turn down your radio to talk to me. People, I tell you this every day. Let’s go to Jenny. Ooooh, a lady! Jenny, what do you got?
JENNY:
I think we should definitely trade him, but for youth. We need more youth on the team, Madman!
MADMAN:
That’s a great point. A great point. This guy’s thirty, okay? He’s not getting any younger. Next comes thirty-one, then thirty-two. That’s gettin’ up there. Let me ask you, Jenny: how much do you weigh?
JENNY:
How much do I weigh?
MADMAN:
Yeah.
JENNY:
135?
MADMAN:
Nah, no way! You definitely sound like you’re two bills. At least. Anyway, great call. Let’s go to Dave. Dave!