So what can you do against this kind of slander? Well, remember what I said about racism and prejudice being your friend? Time to call that friend up and do a little stereotyping of your own.
The best way to defuse any blog criticism is to perpetuate the stereotype that bloggers are nothing more than fat, slovenly, sci-fi-loving masturbators with shitty lives and axes to grind. Take me for instance. I’m a blogger, and I look exactly like Tackleberry from Police Academy. And I just adore masturbating. Think fans aren’t ready to hate my guts at the drop of a hat? People have already turned on the old media. They can’t wait to turn on the new.
CLIPPABLE MOTIVATIONAL SLOGAN!
EVEN IF YOU AGREE WITH SOMEONE, IT IS IMPORTANT TO CONTINUE TO SHOUT AT THEM AS IF YOU ARE ARGUING. THAT WAY, YOU CAN ALWAYS MAINTAIN THE UPPER HAND.
— Stephen A. Smith
Chapter 9
“What Do You Mean, She Wants to Press Charges?”
Trouble
Oh, fuck! You’ve been arrested! A short guide to illegal behavior.
Being a pro athlete means living under a microscope. And not just one of those pissy little high school microscopes. I’m talking one of the big, backed-with-federal-funding atomic fuckers they have over at the National Institutes of Health. The ones that can show you the miniature, superintelligent reptile civilization hidden inside your thumbnail. People love to watch athletes, but they love judging them even more. So, when you get into trouble, you should expect a Category 5 shitstorm that will test the very limits of your faith in mankind. Don’t expect to get away with anything. Unless you’re white, in which case you get a two-crime grace period.
One of the reasons athletes always seem to find themselves in trouble is that they don’t take the time to learn what is legal and what is not. After all, having sex with a smoking hot fifteen-year-old certainly feels like the right thing to do. But the law (again, outside of Louisiana) tells us that this is not the case. So don’t bother trying to follow your own moral compass. Because it’s pointing you straight to hell, my friend. The only magnetic pole that thing is attracted to is the one swinging between your legs.
So what kind of behavior is illegal, and why does society consider it a crime?
DWI
What It Is: Driving while intoxicated. This is also known as DUI, or driving under the influence, which expands the definition of the crime to include driving under the influence of alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, or Aphex Twin. Most states outlaw driving with a blood-alcohol level of .01 or higher, which translates to roughly one drink per hour. If you’re an alcoholic like me, you know just how unfair that is. One drink per hour barely changes the mood in the room.
Why It Is Wrong: Because being intoxicated impairs your vision and reaction time, and makes you more likely to hurt other motorists. That is, unless you’re me. After ten beers, I am Jason fucking Bourne in a Honda. I am dialed in and can hit corners going ninety with the utmost precision. Nothing’s getting in my way. I am goddamn bulletproof. If you get busted for driving drunk, it just means that you aren’t good enough at it. Real pros don’t get caught by the fuzz. They have all police blockade locations committed to memory, as I do. Keep at it and eventually you’ll get the hang of it. Oh, and don’t bother hyperventilating to try to beat the Breathalyzer. That’s an urban legend. Trust me.
Bad Publicity Factor (1–10) : 2. The good news about getting busted for DWI is that, since it is such a common offense, people barely bat an eyelash. In fact, the more often athletes get busted for DWI, the less attention it gets. So, in a way, you’re doing your fellow athletes a favor. So keep at it, my friend. You’re drunkenly, recklessly bulldozing a clear path for those of us who like a roadie or six before heading in to work every morning.
Famous Perpetrators: Tony LaRussa, Mike Tyson, J.J. Redick, Michael Phelps
Domestic Violence
What It Is: Wife-beating. This can range from a light slap to a full-on thrashing. Either way, when your ladyfriend dials 911, expect the fury of all womankind to rain down upon you. Hope you enjoy a lifetime of ultimately futile apologizing. You’re in for a real treat.
Why It Is Wrong: Because it’s wrong to hit a woman, okay? Women are soft and pretty. And sometimes, their hair smells like the juice from a maraschino cherry jar. Oh, how I wish I had one to hold in my arms right now! How could you harm such a weak, defenseless little animal? You monster! Pick on someone your own size, prick! Hitting a woman is nothing more than the act of a coward. Unless the woman in question is Nancy Grace, in which case I’d like to shake your hand.
Besides, violence solves nothing. The best way to solve problems with your woman is to sit down and talk. And talk. And talk some more. And to revisit the same argument over and over again, and to force yourself to confront unpleasant facts about yourself you didn’t really want or need to address. That’s the best way to build a long, lasting relationship. Provided that’s what you’re looking for. That was what you wanted, right?