Oh, fuck! You said something dumb!
Think a clean police record can save you from being trapped at the bottom of the media port-a-potty? Wrong. All it takes is one mildly controversial viewpoint on a slow news day (usually a Tuesday), and you may as well write the word CHUM in red marker on your head. Most athletes are smart enough to keep their opinions to themselves. It’s a lesson actors never seem to learn. But there have been a few athletes who have expressed a poorly articulated opinion and then paid dearly for it, usually with a small fine and / or a team-mandated forty-five-minute sensitivity-training seminar. Yikes. You don’t want any piece of that. Read now their tales of woe, and be forewarned!
* * *
DID YOU KNOW?
The worst criminal in the history of professional sports was Earl “Stabby” Jameson, an outfielder for the Red Sox back in 1911. Stabby stabbed more than 700 prostitutes that year alone, but journalistic etiquette at the time dictated that a player’s off-the-field exploits were strictly out-of-bounds.
* * *
Case Study #1: John Rocker
The Quote: “Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark . . . next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.” (from Sports Illustrated)
The Judgment: Racist! You can’t insult every ethnic group like that and expect to get away with it. Who do you think runs the media? That’s right: purple-haired kids and queers with AIDS. There are still millions of minorities and gays who are routinely oppressed in our country on a daily basis. And when you piss those people off, they stay pissed off. They need an outlet for their frustration, and that would be you. If you insult them, they’ll push for a suspension, a public apology, or anything else that constitutes an ultimately Pyrrhic victory. It’s all they have to hold on to. And to think, all Rocker had to do was say, “It’s amazing!” at the end of his diatribe instead of, “It’s depressing,” and he would have been cast in Rent a week later. Moron.
Case Study #2: Kevin Garnett
The Quote: “It’s game seven, man. That’s it. It’s for all the marbles. Sitting in the house, I’m loadin’ up the pump. I’m loadin’ up the Uzi. I got a couple M-16s, a couple nines. I got a couple joints with some silencers on them. I’m just loading clips, a couple grenades. I got a missile launcher with a couple of missiles. I’m ready for war.”
The Judgment: Insensitive! Not to our soldiers overseas, of course. No one pays attention to them anymore. No, Garnett was guilty of being insensitive to the sport of professional football. Everyone knows that football has the market cornered on war metaphors. Those guys are the real heroes. In the NBA, you get whistled for a foul just for thinking about committing a foul. You call that pretend war? I call it bullshit.
Case Study #3: Derek Bell
The Quote: “I ain’t going out there to hurt myself in spring training battling for a job. If it is [open competition], then I’m going into Operation Shutdown.”
The Judgment: Lazy! You can’t half-assyour job simply because you aren’t happy with your current situation at work. Only fans get to do that. In fact, that’s how they were able to sneak out to the ballpark to watch you play.
Case Study #4: Keith Hernandez
The Quote: “I won’t say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don’t belong in the dugout.”
The Judgment: Sexist! You aren’t supposed to give voice to the blatant sexism inherent in your sport. You’re supposed to let it fester just below the surface, where it remains glaringly obvious to everyone without ever having to be addressed. Let women bring up the subject of sexism in sports. That way, all the male fans and writers can make fun of them for getting their panties in a bunch. Also, note that Hernandez brought up the stereotype of women belonging in the kitchen, but didn’t formally endorse it. My friend, just mentioning the stereotype will piss everyone off anyway. You may as well go all the way with it. Say women belong in the kitchen, wearing nothing but an apron, ready to please your appetite both for a sandwich and intercourse simultaneously. At least you’ll be able to say you were truthful.
Case Study #5: Jason “White Chocolate” Williams
The Quote: (to an Asian fan during a game) “I will shoot all you Asian motherfuckers. . . . Do you remember the Vietnam War? I’ll kill y’all just like that.”
The Judgment: Antagonistic! Don’t antagonize fans. Stadium personnel already have an obnoxious PA announcer and the entire Technotronic catalog on hand to do that job for you. Besides, those Asian motherfuckers are quite well trained in shooting people themselves. Do you remember the Vietnam War? They’ll kill y’all just like that.