Q: What is their purpose?
A: As I said before, the purpose of sports is to distract fans from having to attend to matters in the real world. Well, the media serves to extend that distraction into perpetuity, and at a hefty profit. Fans will consume any sort of sports media, regardless of quality. This makes sense when you think about it. Would you rather worry about your growing tax debt, or delay that worry by enduring an episode of Around the Horn? I don’t see any better alternative out there. Do you?
With twenty-four-hour sports networks and new blogs springing up every minute, there is now enough sports media available to consume the entirety of one’s life. In fact, that’s the goal of the media: to turn fans into constant media users by infiltrating every orifice of modern communication and trapping them inside a Matrix-like web of influence. I should know. Between watching games, watching pregame shows, watching postgame shows, reading columnists I do not enjoy, and writing a blog of my own, I see my daughter for only five minutes out of every month. She’s such a little lady now!
Q: Is it true that the Jews run the media?
A: No. The Jews run Hollywood. Between making movies and being responsible for starting all the wars in world history, their plate is pretty full.
Q: Why does my league mandate that I be available to the media for twenty minutes after the game?
A: Because no one in his right mind would talk to the media voluntarily. It’s a painful way to spend your time. Almost as bad as having to sit through a Tyler Perry film. The only way anyone would be caught dead in a room with those heartless vultures is by contractual force.
Part of your league’s broadcast deal with any network like ESPN includes mandatory interviews with players and coaches for this very reason. Why? Well, ESPN can’t be showing sports all the time. That would be weird. They need to mix it up, and they can only analyze a game so much. It’s more fun to force you, the athlete, into an uncomfortable public speaking situation where you will inevitably fuck up. That way, your comments can be taped, cut, replayed, and scrutinized for hours on end. In many ways, it’s much more enjoyable than watching you play. On the field, you are perfect, and that’s boring. Watching you, the flawless athlete, botch a simple press conference question makes everyone around you feel better about themselves, especially all the mouth-breathers asking the questions.
Q: There are so many lights on me in these press conferences. Is this what dying in an operating room is like?
A: Yes.
Q: I have an opinion on something. Should I offer it?
A: No! Offer nothing of yourself. These are reporters we’re talking about. They got into this business because they loved sports, only to discover that turning something you love into a job corrupts and destroys everything you once loved about it. If they can’t be happy doing their jobs, neither can you. They’re just dying to fuck you over. Even the most ordinary-sounding quote can be twisted and distorted into something controversial. How? Through the power of ellipses. Allow me to demonstrate. Let’s say a reporter asks you how you’re feeling after a tough loss, and you say, “You know, it hurts. We just didn’t play well tonight. It’s easy enough to point fingers and say, ‘It’s Jay’s fault,’ or, ‘Mikey didn’t do this,’ but we have to get through this as a team. We’ll start winning if we get it together and keep working to achieve a common goal.”
That’s what you said. But here is how, through the power of ellipses, you might be quoted: “It’s Jay’s fault . . . Mikey didn’t . . . get it together.”
What’s that? That’s not what you said? You were deliberately misquoted? Tough shit. No one cares. That excuse has been used too often to be effective. As far as the general public knows, you are now officially a malcontent who brazenly accuses fellow teammates of shitting the bed. That little goddamn ellipsis wields all the power of a MAD magazine fold-in.
Q: Why would a reporter distort my words? Isn’t that unethical?
A: Probably. But a good reporter is also a judicious editor. Your quote was boring. But through the magic of editing, it is now scintillating! Ellipses remove context and add flavor. I’m . . . gay . . . for them!
Q: So, what should I do?
A: Follow your teammates’ lead and offer up nothing but trite clichés that are virtually tamperproof. Failing that, mumble. It’s worth being branded as “surly.”
Q: Is Jim Gray really 3'2"?
A: Yes.
Q: Do most sportswriters believe in evolution?
A: No.
Q: Do they enjoy masturbating to videos of dogs being put down?
A: Yes.
Q: Are any of them secretly members of the Aryan Brotherhood?