To keep your wife satisfied, you only need to appear to be a great parent, rather than actually be one. Here are some tips for doing so.
SIGN WITH A TEAM IN YOUR HOMETOWN. Your family may live in a different city than the one you play for. While this gives you six months away every year to live like a free man, you will pay for it in the long run. Once you return home for the off-season, you’ll be forced to attend any number of play dates and pediatrician appointments to make up for the time you lost. The horror! Why not, instead, follow the example of Roger Clemens, who once signed with the Astros as a free agent to be “closer” to his family, then spent all of his time back home playing golf and going “fishing” with his then longtime companion, Andy Pettitte? By simply being in the same area code you’re showing more pretend devotion to your family than most athletes. And your wife will adore you for it.
TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO PHOTO SHOOTS. Your wife will love you for being a good father. But, if that’s not possible, she’ll be more than happy to settle for you looking like a good father. It helps give her bragging rights over all the other wives in the neighborhood. So do whatever limited parenting you do out in public. Be sure to mention how much you love your kids in all interviews. Have Walter Iooss shoot you for SI at your home, in the pool, holding your child way up in the air as you both laugh gaily. That’s a money parenting shot, one Phil Mickelson uses all the time.
TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO PRACTICES AND GAMES. Let’s be honest: you’re two steps ahead of any other dad out there simply because of who you are. Do any of the other dads at your kid’s school play for the Giants? Fuck and no. So use it to your advantage. Take your kid to practice and introduce him to all the other famous guys you play with. He’ll be the happiest, most insufferable kid in town within a week. More important, those few minutes he spends with you at the ballpark every so often will earn you his fervent worship no matter what else you do. Your kid will think you’re a god. He’ll want to be you, until he hits puberty and realizes he got too many of your wife’s useless genes. Then he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to escape your enormous shadow, cursing you to his grave. That’s A+ daddying, right there.
HIRE A NANNY. Hiring a nanny gives both you and your wife enough time away from your children to properly enjoy them.
TREAT YOUR FAMILY LIKE YOU TREAT THE MEDIA. Your family has no idea what it’s like to be out on that field. Be sure to remind them of that. Let them know that there is no possible way they can understand the pressures and physical wear and tear of standing in center field for three hours. After any game, walk into your home bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders. Rub your knee and grimace. Declare to them, “I had no idea the Raptors would be so physical!” Then collapse, exhausted, on your recliner. Relax. Crack open a beer. Pat your kid on the head and tell him to have all the ice cream he wants. You, good sir, are an all-star parent. To your legitimate children.
Clippable Helpful Trick the Pros Use!
The best way to remember the names of your illegitimate children is by getting a tattoo.
Chapter 8
Favored Children of the Antichrist
The Media
The unnecessary evil: everything you wanted to know about the media, but were too much of a pussy to ask.
I have two hard-and-fast rules in life. The first is to never eat while watching pornography. I don’t think that requires any explanation. The second is to avoid the media at all costs. Given that the media has little interest in a thirty-two-year-old father of one with an ample bosom and no discernible talent, the latter has not been a difficult rule to adhere to. For you, Mr. All-Star, it’s another matter entirely. The media is like chlamydia — the longer you ignore it, the more irritating it becomes. But fear not. This handy FAQ will answer everything you need to know about the Fourth Estate.
Q: What is the media?
A: The media consists of beat writers, columnists, investigative reporters, TV reporters, TV anchors, studio hosts, play-by-play announcers, game analysts, media analysts, stat analysts, analyst analysts, talking heads, authors, talking animatronic baseballs, talk radio show hosts, talk radio sound effects operators, Internet writers, message board posters, bloggers, podcasters, animated cell phone “hosts,” photographers, producers, freelance journalists, gossip columnists, sideline reporters, team fan fiction writers, blimp operators, and weathergirls with big tits. Essentially, the media is everyone who is not you.