4. IPOD LOADER. You don’t have time to rip every single CD in your collection onto your laptop and then transfer it to your iPod or iPhone. Besides, that’s nerd shit. Hire that one friend of yours that graduated from correspondence school to do it for you. You can also have him download new music for you through illegal file-sharing software. I suggest using BitTorrent. It allows you to steal music in bulk, which is much cheaper than regular stealing. That’s how baseball players amass such huge Staind collections.
5. PRIVATE SECURITY. Eighty-five percent of all entourage members are hired as bodyguards. You’ll find that your friends will be more than happy to handle all your private security matters, including shooting intimidating glances at autograph-seeking children, roughing up that one asshole who looked at you funny, and destroying photographers’ equipment. Many of them already have a great deal of experience in these affairs, so take advantage. You can also make like Tiger Woods and have your overzealous caddie double as your bodyguard, which can be a real savings. Make sure your bodyguard likes to wear sunglasses indoors and has little to no experience handling firearms. That way, when he’s shooting into a crowd, he’s more apt to miss people.
6. DRUG FETCHER. If you choose to do drugs (and I support you wholeheartedly on that), don’t get your hands dirty by procuring them yourself. Get a friend to pick up some of that sweet, lovely construda for you. You’ll be keeping your name clean. More important, it’ll keep you safe should a deal go awry. Let your friend be the one who gets tied up by an angry, coked-out Peruvian distributor, who then pulls off his nipples with a pair of pliers. You don’t want that happening to you. Way better if it happens to Ed.
7. FEMALE EVALUATION AND COMMUNICATION. Hitting the town? The very best nightclubs have a VVVIP section waiting for you. This is the section that is cordoned off from the VVIP section, which is in turn cordoned off from the VIP section, which is in turn cordoned off from all the New Jerseyites on the main dance floor. This section consists of one small table for you and your friends to crowd around while trying to talk over techno music being played at 130 decibels. It’s a real good time. The problem is that you need someone to scope out the other areas of the club for attractive women and then bring said women to you. You need a friend with a keen eye for large breasts and tight asses. I’m available if need be.
8. MAID. This one’s tough if your mom or wife is not available. All of the above jobs can be enjoyable at one point or another. Unless you have a friend who is a meticulous German, no one in your entourage will be interested in cleaning toilets, vacuuming, washing dishes, and doing the laundry. Especially while wearing a French maid outfit, as any smart boss requires. It’s shitty, demeaning work no American citizen likes to do. I suggest hiring a day worker. Failing that, do nothing. I spent most of college pissing into Snapple bottles when our toilet broke, then chucking them out the window. It’s not as bad a way to live as you might think.
9. PERSONAL ASSISTANT. The most important role in your entourage is that of personal assistant. You need one person who is willing to do important things like file your taxes, pay your bills, arrange your schedule, and pick up your dry cleaning. You must trust this person implicitly. Hire someone even the least bit disloyal and you’ll get screwed over just like Sigourney Weaver did in Working Girl. Fucking Melanie Griffith. Your wife or mother can assume this role. This is the ideal situation, since it does the most to hinder you from acting like a grown man. But, if your wife or mother balks at the idea, you need to find a qualified, trusted assistant. I suggest hiring a pathetic lackey who worships you and, despite knowing you will treat him like complete shit, will happily settle for just being near you on a daily basis. I hear Ahmad Rashad is available.
10. PATSY. If you get in trouble, it’s good to have someone in your inner circle who’s willing to take the fall for you. Anyone in your entourage can be a useful patsy, but you should always choose someone who you never really liked to begin with. Every athlete has a friend like this. If you’re a female athlete, you have nothing but friends like this. Singling out your one annoying friend for blame is a win-win. You’ll get off scot-free, and you’ll rid yourself of the jackass once and for all. The look on his face when you throw him under the bus, having realized that all those years of friendship meant less than nothing to you? Priceless.
Together, the above employees form your inner circle, a group so tightly knit as to be all but impenetrable, unless you happen to come across a real smooth talker. Remember, you can boot anyone out of your circle at any time: for talking to the media or for generally displeasing you. It’s always good to remind them once in a while that none of them is safe. It helps reinforce your control over all of them, which is what healthy relationships are all about.
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
76
The average athlete discovers 76 “new” relatives upon turning pro. Damn you, classmates.com!