THE PHIL MICKELSON. Get cocky during intercourse and attempt the notoriously difficult “Rodeo” maneuver. Get bucked off your partner, fall off the bed, and shoot your load out a window, shattering the windshield of a nearby helicopter, which then plummets into the middle of the freeway, killing everyone on board, along with numerous innocent motorists on the ground. React with a dopey, shit-eating grin.
THE BABE RUTH. Point at her vagina. Insert penis. Bring her to orgasm in three seconds. Light a cigar. Eat a hot dog.
THE ALLEN IVERSON. Start making love immediately. When she asks you about foreplay, give her a look of disgust.
THE ’86 MET. Bring partner into bedroom. Lay her down gently. Tell her to close her eyes. Bring midget, Girl Scout troop, and panda bear into the room. Kill the lights. Crank Foghat at the highest volume possible. Take out bullwhip and can of Reddi-wip. Snort line. Put on Indian headdress. See what happens.
THE CURT SCHILLING. Nail her. Blog about it.
THE TED WILLIAMS. Bring her to orgasm. Spend the next eighty years lecturing everyone within earshot about how you were able to do it.
All of these techniques will help you establish a solid reputation as a freewheeling dynamo when the lights go out. You should be able to parlay that sexual goodwill into increasingly hot and freaky encounters with any number of attractive partners. With any luck, you’ll amass so much sexual experience that you’ll cease being a normal human being and transform into a soulless stalker constantly in search of the next fresh body to use for depraved, empty acts of pleasure. Regular sex simply won’t be enough for you. You’ll develop all sorts of bizarre fetishes and masochistic tendencies to compensate for the lack of real emotional love and support in your life.
It’s the kind of life every man dreams of. Provided, of course, that you’re single and able to do all these things. You are single, aren’t you?
What? You married your high school sweetheart?
You idiot! How could you do that? You’ve known you had potential professional athletic ability since you were a preteen. Yet you still married little Stacy Jo anyway? You jackass.
Oh, you love her? Well, of course you love her! No shit, Romeo! Ninth-graders will fall in love with anything! One time a girl in my class helped me pick up my pencil box after it fell out of my bag. I stalked her for the next three years. Love at that age isn’t real. It’s far too spontaneous and natural. You’re an adult now, buddy. Love should be a calculated emotion that fluctuates depending upon certain matters of practicality. Don’t you know how the real world works, you naive little child?
Have you even been to Miami yet? Good fucking Lord. The women there are so hot, they had to fill the rest of the city with gay Cuban men just to ease the sexual tension. And you got married without even paying a visit? Idiot!
Some of us depend on athletes for good vicarious living, you know. Some of us might be stuck at home with the kid all day, in desperate need of hearing sordid stories about cocaine-fueled orgies and baby-oil-filled wading pool excursions. You can’t just ruin our fun like that, you fucking dick. Okay? It’s not right. What about my needs? What about making sure I’m happy by going out and engaging in a pattern of self-destructive behavior that I can admire from afar while still retreating to the stability of a loving family at the end of the day? Ever think about that? Huh?
I can’t believe how selfish you are.
You know what’s gonna happen, don’t you? You’re gonna be surrounded by single teammates who are sexually active and vocal about being so. They’re gonna tell you shit you won’t even begin to fathom. Ever nail a Hawaiian Tropic girl on the diving board at the Shore Club? Well, they have. And they’ll be happy to tell you all about it. Does Miss “I Sent You Care Packages All Through College!” do that? Good God, no. So enjoy wasting the best part of being a pro athlete. I hope your good Christian marriage and fifty years of bland, missionary position intercourse are worth it.
Asshat.
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
10,000
Basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with more than 10,000 women. What you may not know is that Chamberlain also had intercourse with well over 500 men. Chamberlain was not gay, nor was he bisexual. These were simply men who ended up getting fucked in the crossfire.