? House for her parents
? $90,000 for interior designer who will spend $1 million on expensive shit to get your home spotlighted in Architectural Digest
That’s merely the tip of the iceberg, but you get the idea. If there is money to be spent, your woman will find a way to spend it. Her mind is constantly awhirl with new and creative ways to fritter away cash. Just consult the handy diagram on the next page for a detailed spending cycle.
In exchange for all that loot, you and your wife will come to an unspoken but tacitly acknowledged “agreement” about where you go every Tuesday night. She knows you aren’t out playing poker. And you know that she knows that. And she knows that you know that she knows that. It’s amazing how much you can communicate by simply not talking.
This is not so much living a lie as it is living without truth. After all, if you never mention that you banged three hookers on your last road trip, and she never asks about it, is there really a problem? Did it even happen? I say no. Your wife will learn to accept your cheating so long as it’s never “in her face.” That means you should make love to your mistress(es) at least three rooms away from your bedroom, preferably while your wife is out taking the kids to school. And always be discreet. Never go out in public with other women or be photographed with them. If there’s anything your wife hates more than adultery, it’s having to face all the pitying glances at the country club the next day. So, if you can’t keep it in your pants, at least keep it away from a camcorder. Do all that, and you can expect a long marriage completely devoid of happiness. Mazel tov!
Clippable Motivational Slogan!
Did you put the whites in the dryer? No? Well then, move your fucking ass.
— BRENDA WARNER
Chapter 7
A Study in Anchors
Your Friends and Family
They’re not just family, they’re codependents: your entourage.
An entourage serves two purposes. If you grew up without much in the way of family, an entourage can act as a surrogate family, minus the unconditional love, life education, and smartly established boundaries. Or, if you have a rather large family to draw on, having them in your entourage is an excellent way of pitting them against one another for your affections.
Either way, having an entourage means having a large group of people eager to do the menial tasks you no longer have time for. All they ask for in return is to live with you rent-free for an indefinite amount of time, a Bank of America Visa card with no spending limit, and whatever sloppy seconds you don’t feel like banging that night. It’s a symbiotic relationship: you care for your family and friends, and they pretend to care for you. There’s no shortage of important roles for your loved ones to inhabit.
1. CHEF. Most athletes hire their moms to be personal chefs. After all, no one cooks like your mom, except fifty million other mothers. If your mother does not live nearby, it helps to appoint a friend who knows how to cook or, failing that, how to order and pick up from Baja Fresh. A personal chef will not only cook and clean, he will also make sure that you are getting the proper nutrition necessary to reach your maximum performance. For dinner, expect grilled chicken and three pounds of boiled asparagus seven days a week. The rest of the house gets pulled-pork sandwiches, waffle fries, and Dr Pepper. Sound unfair? Tough shit. You’re the one who wanted to be an athlete.
2. DRIVER. No doubt you went out and leased yourself a fleet of expensive automobiles before even signing your first contract (see chapter 10). But why go through the hassle of actually driving those cars? That’s for suckers. Make a friend or cousin your personal chauffeur and you never have to worry about drinking and driving again. They’ll do all the drinking and driving for you.
3. BARBER. There’s nothing like heading to the corner barbershop, engaging in some witty banter with Cedric the Entertainer, flirting with that oh-so-feisty Eve, and then paying $18 for a three-second haircut. Hiring a friend to be your barber allows you to duplicate that unique neighborhood experience in the privacy of your own home. Your friend doesn’t even need a degree in cosmetology. Anyone can give you the Number 3 cut. Don’t mess with a proven winner. You can also hire your niece to frost your tips. You can pay her in Twizzlers.