If you want to date a stripper, you have to put yourself on equal ground. Never hit on her in the club. It’ll make you look weak and creepy. Trust me. Never works. Instead, buy her a shot and ask her if she’d like to hit a club after her shift is over. Once out of the club, she’ll shed her professional superficiality and engage you with her normal, female superficiality. Turn on the charm from there and you’re in for a night of real, nonpantomimed sex.
If you’re lazy and want strippers that double as hookers (and who doesn’t?), I strongly suggest catching a flight to Montreal. Strippers there will do the pas de deux on your beignet for a mere pittance.
(Note: Clip out the above section and bring it in to your local strip club before 3:00 p.m. to receive $3 off the $20 nonalcoholic beverage of your choice.)
ACTRESS / MODEL / SINGER. It’s easy to get a date with an actress, model, or singer. Simply have your agent contact her agent, and then give OK! magazine a call and sell them the photography rights for your intimate evening out. There’s no more spontaneous way to meet someone.
But beware! An actress is a career woman who will only couple with you as a means of enhancing her celebrity profile. A famous woman can always increase her Q rating by fifty points simply by nailing another famous man. You’re a résumé builder for her: a stepping-stone to an even higher echelon of celebrity. And no amount of attention will ever be enough to satisfy her undying need for the spotlight, or bring her absentee father back. Once she has a chance to hook up with someone who’s more famous than you, she’ll happily kick your C-list ass to the curb. Not so much fun to be on the other side of Relationship Control Tilt-A-Whirl, is it? Like Tony Parker, you now occupy a level of importance in your woman’s world somewhere between publicist and handbag.
JAILBAIT. Is she over eighteen, or over twelve in Louisiana? Are you sure? Buy a black light and scan the shit out of her driver’s license. You wouldn’t believe what kids can do with computers these days. Also, does she twirl her hair and snap her gum a lot? Does she spend the majority of her time text-messaging? Does she like Maroon 5? Is her bed surrounded by nothing but Pound Puppies and a golden picture frame that says “Daddy’s Little Girl”? Did R. Kelly hit it? Was Mark Chmura at the same party where you two met? Abort! Abort! Abort!
FEMALE ATHLETE. Does she play tennis or beach volleyball? Nice. That’s a real nice job. The great thing about dating female athletes is that you two will be able to relate to each other on a professional level. Hell, you can even work out together. And chicks who work out are hot. Especially if they wear those little spandex hot pants and do those little lunge exercises and holy shit my pants just exploded. The problem with dating a female athlete is that girls who are way into sports are far more annoying than girls who don’t give a shit about them. Don’t believe me? Just you watch. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Enjoy having nothing to enjoy by yourself.
NORMAL, SANE WOMAN. Sometimes, you hit the jackpot and encounter a lovely, normal woman who loves you for the person you are. She’s gorgeous without being haughty about it. She challenges you, but only because she genuinely believes in your potential. She even cooks. The truth is, the majority of women out there are perfectly well-adjusted, wonderful people. The problem is that you have become so conditioned to distrust and objectify women thanks to this section that you will find a way to mess it up. Serves you right, pig.
* * *
DID YOU KNOW?
The average woman uses three times more words per day than the average man. Therefore, I strongly suggest you avoid average women.
* * *
From a thousand feet away, they don’t look like transvestites: cheerleaders.
Almost every pro football and basketball team has a group of cheerleaders (except for the Packers, due to the scarcity of attractive female Wisconsinites). Why baseball doesn’t have them is unknown. If any game could benefit from the presence of large-breasted remedial nursing students dancing around in outfits the size of a Wet-Nap, it’s baseball. After a forty-five-minute inning, everyone could use some titties. Even the children. But smart ideas have never been baseball’s forte, so you’ll have to do without if you’re a big leaguer.
HEAR IT FROM A GROUPIE!
Damn, you look fine
by Shanna Franklin
Oooooh!
My, my, my, my goodness.
Damn.
You look fine, boy.
Yeah, you definitely had it goin’ on out there. Runnin’ and jumpin’ and flexin’ that little tushie of yours. You like what I’m wearing? I wore it just for you tonight. It’s not easy getting into a dress made entirely of vulcanized rubber. Yeah, I saw you looking at me in the stands. What, you think I can’t see? Ha ha! You’re feisty. I like that.
(bites lip)
Mmm.
Shit.
Listen, baby, why don’t we go somewhere and talk? Just you and me. How about that empty stairwell over there?
(takes you to empty stairwell and rides you like a carousel)
WHOA. Seriously, hold up. That was so fucking real. I’ve never felt like that before with anyone. Anyone. Baby, that’s only the beginning. There’s so much more I can do for you. You want more? You want all of this?
(You nod.)
Call me the next time you’re in town, baby.