Luxury homes are impressive. The problem with luxury homes is that they aren’t mobile (except in Arkansas). You have to bring people to your house in order to show it off. That’s not enough. You need to let people know that you live a grotesquely opulent lifestyle while on the go as well. And that’s where your ride comes in. Remember: your life is a victory parade. And your car is your float.
Or, should I say, floats? One car, of course, isn’t enough for most athletes. You can’t just drive one expensive car around all the time. Then people would assume you only have enough money to buy that one expensive car. A much better rule of thumb is to buy one car for every million dollars that you earn. At a minimum, you’re going to want to own seven cars. After all, seven cars means seven times the fun, especially when it comes to emissions testing!
So, ready to drive? Let’s go through each class of vehicle. You’re gonna need at least one of each of the following.
SUV
Your SUV will likely be your main traveling car. And expect to travel a lot, since your new luxury home is forty miles away from the nearest urban center. An SUV is good because it can fit all your friends, all your equipment, and 60 percent of your children. And it can do so without the giant pussy stigma of a van or a station wagon. Warning: SUVs are notorious for getting low gas mileage. So I suggest having a lackey fill up the tank for you, to avoid sticker shock.
Suggested Models: Cadillac Escalade, Lincoln Navigator, Hummer H2, Chevy Tahoe, Chevy Suburban, GMC Yukon, Ford Excursion, Sherman Tank
Sports Car
Perfect for nights out with a lady. Nothing turns a woman on more than a really fast car. So hit the highway and floor it. Hit 80, 90, 100. Watch her moan in ecstasy as the wind blows through her hair. Slip your hand between your girl’s thighs and move higher and higher as you go faster and faster. Don’t stop. Don’t you dare stop, you fucking hot rod, you. Cops in the rearview? Oh, that just makes it an even bigger turn-on, baby. Hit 150, 160, 170. Floor it until your woman can’t take it anymore and jumps on top of you, attacking you like a tiger unleashed. Now your pelvic thrusts can be measured only in RPMs. Orgasm simultaneously as the car spins out of control and you roll down a steep embankment, leaving you broken and bloody in each other’s arms.
God, I want a Porsche so badly.
Suggested Models: Ferrari GT, Porsche Carrera, Corvette, Dodge Viper, Lamborghini Diablo (Note: Don’t get an Audi TT. Remember: that’s name redacted-blackline’_______s car.)
Luxury Sedan
Perfect for formal occasions, a luxury sedan lets people know you are now a man of taste and elegance. I suggest hiring a driver and sitting in the back. It totally makes you feel like Bruce Wayne.
Suggested Models: BMW 7 Series, Mercedes S600, Bentley Continental Flying Spur (now with 30 percent more engine trouble!)
Pickup Truck
Preferred vehicle for Southern white athletes who want to let fans know they ain’t turned city folk. Pickup trucks are made for the kinda guy who lets his Labrador ride shotgun. The kinda guy who lives to hunt and fish. The kinda guy who still thinks sushi is weird and disgusting. The kinda guy who listens to Bob Seger. In short, the kinda guy who’s a pretentious, red-state asshole.
Suggested Models: Ford F-150, Chevy Avalanche, GMC Sierra (Note: I’ll be damned if I’m putting a Toyota Tundra or some other kinda Jap truck on this here list.)
Vintage Car
Vintage cars are great because you can send them in to be refurbished and then take credit for all the work. Why, you can even take it to a vintage car show. It’s like a comic book convention for rich people! One other thing: if the film Better Off Dead is any indication, restoring a vintage car can really help win over a sneakily hot French exchange student.
Suggested Models: Chevy Camaro, Ferrari GT California, Studebaker
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
$1,192,057
The most expensive car you can buy on the market today is the Bugatti Veyron, which retails for $1,192,057. It has a top speed of 253 mph and goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds. But it can’t time travel, which I find rather disappointing.
Motorcycle
You may have a contract clause with your team that forbids you to ride motorcycles. But if you’re like Ben Roethlisberger and lack the ability to retain knowledge, that won’t matter. Nothing beats owning a crotch rocket that turns your commute into one kickass game of Excitebike. I suggest going with a high-performance Italian or Japanese bike. Many of these bikes aren’t even street legal. But who buys a motorcycle to obey traffic laws? And the helmet? Ditch it. True, a helmet can save your life. But getting in a chopper accident usually results in injuries such as severe burns and paralysis. Trust me: you don’t want to live through any of that horrible shit. A helmet protects you from injury, but not wearing a helmet protects you from having to suffer through injury. See how much better the latter is?