Suggested Models: Kawasaki Ninja, Ducati Monster
Buying your new car is, of course, only the beginning. You’re going to want to outfit your car with any number of options that help drive up its insurance premium and make it more attractive to car thieves. Some athletes, like the late Eddie Griffin, even have a DVD player with porn available for driver’s-side viewing. If you get this feature, I strongly urge you to also invest in an E-Z Pass. It’s just common sense.
What are your thoughts on mustard? Choosing your wardrobe and jewelry.
Athletes used to dress in no-frills apparel such as T-shirts and jeans. But fashion-forward mavens like Michael Jordan, along with David Stern’s somewhat ironic affinity for Fascist dress codes, have made today’s athletes more conscious of personal style. You’re a professional now. It’s important to dress the part because it makes people think that you take your job seriously, even if you do not. This is a strategy that has worked wonders on Wall Street for years. Those guys get paid oceans of money, and I swear all they do is take Japanese clients to Scores and get ass shitfaced at steak houses. You see, wearing a nice suit gives you that much more leeway to be a total prick. I wrote this entire book while wearing a suit, and I think it really shows.
But you shouldn’t dress nicely just for superficial purposes. Wearing the right clothes can help enhance your own self-image. When you look the part of a superstar, you’re more likely to assume the confidence of a superstar, and therefore you will play better. And if there’s one thing professional athletes need, it’s an ego boost. Plus, if you rock a suit without any underwear, it can make you feel all tingly down under. Trust me. When you get some Egyptian cotton lightly swishing back and forth across the glans of your penis, there’s no possible way you can have a bad day.
Below are some ideas for your new wardrobe, along with some suggested accessories. Now, fashion trends change by the season, of course. And each fashion season actually takes place nine months prior to the actual season. If it’s fall 2009, that means it’s summer 2010 on Seventh Avenue. Are you still wearing empire waists? Ugh. That is so winter 2008. God, you’re hopeless.
Fall
It’s all about earth tones here. A brown, pinstriped shirt with matching argyle sweater vest makes an inviting complement to all those footballs flying through the air. The jeans? Mavi. Now, $200 for a pair of jeans may sound ostentatious, but you should see what they do for your ass. Makes it feel just like a boxing glove. Top it off with a tweed page-boy cap and cream scarf and you’ve got an outfit that screams, “I’m warm, friendly, and occasionally playful!” It’s the kind of outfit Kobe Bryant wore for one hundred consecutive days after his rape trial was over.
Winter
PETA may not like the idea of a full-length mink coat. But I love what it does for your shoulders. Very regal. It’s the kind of thing Genghis Khan would have worn had he played linebacker (and ancient texts say that this was indeed the case).
Spring
Colors! Don’t be afraid of bright colors! They don’t make you look gay. They just make you look bright and extroverted, two qualities gays have had a monopoly on for far too long. Spring is a time of hope and joy, where fresh daydreams of pitchers and catchers sprinting onto the field blossom anew. Why not incorporate that feeling in your outfits? Unless you play for the Royals, in which case I suggest you wear all black.
Summer
You can beat the heat without resorting to tank tops and the occasional Canadian grape smuggler. It’s all about breathable fabrics. Rock a crisp linen suit with matching Gucci slides, and nary a bead of sweat will cross your visage. Unbutton those top buttons on your shirt. Hit a hot LA nightclub. Stroll out onto the terrace. Catch the eye of that girl in the orange sarong nearby. Share a flirty giggle. Buy her a fruity drink. Then take her back to your private cabana. It’s a scene right out of a Skyy Vodka ad, and it’s the same sexual fantasy I have at least twice a week. That can totally be your life, man!
Accessories