“I still got it, baby! Holy shit, my back just went out!” The art of the comeback.
Many athletes, when they retire, do so for the expressed desire of spending more time with their families. As a family man, I have to tell you: there is only so much time in each day that you can spend together as a family before all of you grow sick to death of one another. Unless you’re the kind of person who enjoys being asked, “What’s that?” by your children over and over again. I keep telling my kid it’s a goddamn school bus, but it just won’t sink in.
Anyway, once you discover just how boring life at home is, you’re going to start entertaining thoughts of coming back to play. This is perfectly natural, and good for the sporting industry as a whole. Fans love comebacks. Or, at least, they love the idea of them. It’s something to get overly excited about before your slow, underwhelming play becomes a day-to-day reality. Now, it may be worth coming back just for that initial burst of misplaced excitement. But I suggest you carefully consider these five case studies before doing so.
MICHAEL JORDAN. Jordan retired twice. His first comeback, made after playing minor league baseball, was a rousing success, resulting in three more titles. The second comeback, made after he realized that a retired Michael Jordan didn’t earn quite the dicksucking that an active Michael Jordan did, was far less successful. The lesson: if you’re going to be dumb enough to retire early, do it waaaaay too early. Sure, you’ll waste precious years of your athletic prime. But think of the drama!
GEORGE FOREMAN. Upon his return to the ring in 1994, Foreman knocked out Michael Moorer to become, at age forty-five, the oldest (and many would say jolliest) heavyweight champion in history. He then used his newfound fame to transform the traditionally gay panini press into the very heterosexual George Foreman Grill, earning hundreds of millions of dollars from connoisseurs of smushed, bone-dry food. The lesson: if you’re going to come back at an advanced age, make sure your sport is in such pathetic shape that you can essentially win by default. In objective terms, Foreman’s victory was rather unimpressive. But winning the heavyweight title still sounds like a real kickass achievement. One that can move some motherfuckin’ grills.
REGGIE WHITE. The late Hall of Fame defensive end made a brief comeback with the Carolina Panthers in 2000. His play was pedestrian, notching only five and a half sacks. But he collected a cool $1 million for his troubles. White cited God’s will when he came back to play. God, as it turns out, is a rather shrewd capitalist. The lesson: can you earn a million bucks by being retired and finally getting to know your wife as a person? Fuck and no. That is so not what God wants.
BJüRN BORG. The tennis great made a brief comeback in 1991, only to lose his first match to a journeyman player while using an old wooden racquet. He then immediately went back into seclusion. The lesson: if you’re going to come back in tennis, don’t be a cheap asshole. Spring for a carbon-fiber racquet. For God’s sake, a Prince doesn’t cost that much. You won’t even need a shock absorber.
MUHAMMAD ALI. Ali returned to the boxing ring four years after being banned from the sport for refusing to serve in Vietnam. Ali regained the heavyweight crown and then retired in 1979. But a comeback fight in 1980 against Larry Holmes left Ali badly beaten. Unlike Foreman, Ali decided to come back at a time when the heavyweight division was perhaps at its strongest. If he had simply waited another fourteen years to come back, he probably would have cleaned up. Alas, the punishment Ali took then left him unable to speak. But I have to say, the guy can play the shit out of a tambourine.
All of these examples should offer fair warning to you. If you’re going to come back after your skills have clearly diminished, you’d better be prepared for disappointment. Then again, you’ll get to see all your old friends, fly in private planes, make lots of money, and be treated like the Sultan of Brunei. So really, who gives a shit if you bat .198? Being good at the game is nice, but just being around it still kicks a whole lotta ass.
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DID YOU KNOW?
The oldest professional athlete to stage a comeback was Hall of Fame hockey player Gordie Howe, who made a brief minor league appearance with the IHL Detroit Vipers in 1997, at the age of seventy. Fans in the stands were amazed to see Howe on the ice, rather than encased in it.
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“Christ, I’m bored.” What to do with the rest of your life.