So you see, golf continues to present new, insurmountable challenges all the way through to your death. You’ll play out the rest of your life just as Sisyphus did. And that guy absolutely adored retirement.
RUN FOR OFFICE. Gerald Ford. Jack Kemp. Bill Bradley. Steve Largent. Heath Shuler. The list of famous athletes that went on to successful careers in politics is surprisingly robust. Former athletes make for great candidates because of one crucial trait: name recognition. Rookie candidates have to spend millions of dollars in campaign funds just to get their name out to the public. Ah, but you! People know who you are, my friend. They don’t know anything else about you, like your character, or your ethics, or whether you’d be the kind of congressman who would use Hurricane Katrina funds to build your mistress a luxury yurt in Wyoming. But hey, at least you aren’t some dipshit nobody.
As an athlete, you’re also well versed in dodging questions, and giving long-winded responses that have nothing to do with the question asked, and that’s important to political handlers all across the nation. Athletes are also considered by voters to be far more down-to-earth than their weaker, nonathletic opponents. Look at Hillary Clinton. I bet that frigid bitch never picked up a field hockey stick in her life.
ACT. Pro sports serve as a direct pipeline into Hollywood. Howie Long, Brian Bosworth, Jim Brown, Alex Karras, Lawrence Taylor, OJ Simpson: they all went into acting after hanging it up, and so can you. You’ll be playing the part of yourself. And it doesn’t matter if you’re not a great athlete anymore. They can just CGI that shit. You’ll look fucking good. Best of all, you’ll spend the rest of your life just like all other Angelenos: casually disenchanted with everything, constantly text-messaging other people when you have company over, and flaking out on friends and family so that you can hang out at the Chateau Marmont while staring at the inside of your own rectum.
HIT THE MEMORABILIA CIRCUIT. Remember the autograph hounds in chapter 5? Well, how would you like to hang out with them all day long? In exotic locales such as Albany, Grand Rapids, and Spokane? With fellow autograph whores such as Pete Rose? Sound like fun? Then go for it! You’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t care whether you live or die anyway!
NURSE YOUR CHRONIC PAIN. If you played in the NFL or participated in any other sort of physically taxing sport, chances are you’re not going to be able to do much of anything once you retire. You’ll probably need a knee replaced. And a hip. And a shoulder. And a larynx. You may need five or more prosthetics. You may need a cane. You may need those arm brace crutch thingys that one chick on ER wore that make you look like you’re dying of polio.
Regardless, you’re probably going to play out the rest of your life tending to your chronic ailments. During the few hours a day you don’t spend in a doctor’s waiting room, you’re going to need enough painkillers to kill Judy Garland all over again. But let me tell you something about living the rest of your life in a drug-induced stupor, with only your memories to comfort you: those drugs are awesome. And legal. They make you feel like you’re lying on a warm down comforter. Throw in a vodka tonic for good measure and you are living the high life, my friend. Even shitty movies are good when you’re on Percocet.
Like I said, you already won the game of life, baby. That Demerol pumping through you? That is just icing on the cake.
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
54.2
The life span of the average professional athlete is 54.2 years. Bored with your retirement? Don’t worry. It’s not gonna last very long.
Death, and how it will affect your career.
Welcome to the end. This is it. You’re dead. But, as an athlete, you’re not quite as dead as all the other regular schmucks out there. You see, great athletes often transcend death. Their names live on long after they’ve shuffled off this mortal coil. They have books written about them. They get tunnels and bridges named after them. They live on in memories passed down from one generation of fans to the next. Athletes like Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Ben Hogan: these men still live on in spirit. In fact, they thrive. Many of them are far better known today than they were when they were alive.
And that’s the best part about being a professional athlete: even when you’re dead, you’re still kind of famous.