FASHION. Follow my fashion advice from chapter 10 and you’re a shoo-in to become a part of any new Gap campaign. Because Gap never bothers to change any of the shit they sell (those 1969 jeans are hot!), they’re in constant need of new athletes and celebrities to model them, so that people won’t notice. Black pants? On a woman? That’s fucking crazy!
WATCHES. There’s no easier money in the world than popping over to a photo shoot, throwing on an Omega Speedmaster set to 10:10, and then staring into the camera with a steely look of determination. It’s the basis of all watch advertising the world over.
WHEATIES. Is there a more iconic endorsement pairing in the world than athletes and Wheaties? Olympic gold medalists and championship teams have decorated the famed Wheaties box for decades. Never mind that only eighty-year-olds eat Wheaties. Or that Wheaties turn soggy three seconds after the milk hits the bowl. I’m serious. Don’t even think about putting the milk back in the fridge. Don’t even screw the top back on, or you’ll have a bigass bowl of doo-doo brown sludge to wade through. Nevertheless, as long as Wheaties continues their time-honored tradition of marketing to the wrong demographic, you should take advantage.
VIDEO GAMES. Your union has licensing agreements with many prominent video-game manufacturers. As such, you’ll receive a cut of the profits off the deal. And you’ll be asked to appear in the occasional EA Sports ad or two, where you get to look all sweaty and grunt at the camera, “It’s in the game!” Bad. Ass. Best of all, you’ll have your very own video-game avatar. Designers at EA will record your movements by dressing you in a black motion-sensor suit and then having you simulate 7,500 possible game scenarios against a tennis ball on a broomstick. It’s fun for the first five minutes. After seventy hours? Not so much.
Video-game companies will assign ratings to your video-game doppelg?nger in categories like Speed, Hands, Strength, Intelligence, and Hair. Unfortunately, they make these ratings based on reality, and not on how good you think you are. This makes for many pissed-off athletes every year. No one wants a high rating in Fucktardedness. But it happened to Philip Rivers. So steel yourself now.
BEER / LIQUOR. As an active player, you are not allowed to endorse alcoholic beverages. Your league can and does sign all the beer endorsements it pleases, but you cannot. Why? Because having a single player endorse alcohol sends a bad message to children. Whereas, if faceless league executives do the same, kids have little to no interest. Without your explicit endorsement, kids barely notice the signage around the arena. Or the blimps. Or the branded concession cups. Or the shooter girls walking around the parking lot. Remember: stadiums aren’t role models. Athletes are.
LOCAL ADVERTISERS. Regional businesses love hiring local athletes to get gullible enthusiastic townsfolk coming through the door. The production value and design of these ads aren’t great. Most of them are shot on a Fisher-Price PXL2000. Expect the finished ad to have lots and lots of starbursts. But who needs production when you’ve got a handsome athlete like Randy Johnson pitching for you?
Yes, local ads are the best way for you to make a quick buck without hurting your national image. But don’t take it from me.
HEAR IT FROM TWO ATHLETES!
Right now you can lease a new Mercury Mariner for no money down!
by Carson Palmer and TJ Houshmandzadeh
Carson: Hi, I am Carson Palmer.
TJ: And I am TJ Houshmandzadeh.
Carson: And right now, Mark Randolph Lincoln / Mercury would like us to pass . . . (throws ball to Houshmandzadeh) the savings on to you!
TJ: It is their annual clearance event, and right now you can catch . . . (catches ball) a new Mercury Mariner with no money down!
Carson: I am sorry, TJ. Did you say no money down?
TJ: That is right, Carson. No money down! And 0 percent APR for qualified buyers!
Carson: Wow, that sounds like a real winner . . . of a deal!
TJ: Ha ha. It is, Carson. Provided you buy on approved credit. Excludes taxes, tags, and $289 processing fee. See dealer for details. But hurry in to Mark Randolph Lincoln / Mercury today! This offer ends December 1!
Carson: December 1? Uh-oh. I had better . . . scramble in! Ha ha!
TJ: Ha ha. That is a very good one, Carson. (cameras stop rolling)
Carson: God, I wish I didn’t have to do all these local ads.
TJ: No shit. This isn’t worth a glass-bottom boat, man.
Carson: Who the fuck buys a Mercury?
TJ: I really hope this Randolph guy’s check doesn’t bounce.
* * *
DID YOU KNOW?
That Randolph guy’s check totally bounced.
* * *
Chapter 12
It’s Like Dying in Advance!
Retirement