"There was no us. You wanted to F U C K me. You F U C K E D me. Now you're done. That's where you left things, and that's where I want them to remain."
Pax steps closer, and I smell beer on him. A little part of me fears he won't let me escape to the bedroom.
"I'm not done though."
"I am."
"I fucked up, but I can fix things."
"Why fix them? Why not leave them the way they are? You might feel bad now, but I'll never be enough. So you'll F U C K someone else in a week or a month. Maybe you'll dump me, or maybe you'll F U C K girls behind my back."
"No."
"You're basing that on nothing."
"I'm basing that on my feelings. I talked about shit with Ford and…"
"You're drunk and tired. Nothing you say means S H I T to me. I'm guessing Ford and probably Lucky gave you advice, and you feel bad now. I bet you won't feel so bad tomorrow or the next week. You don't like people judging you. Once they stop, I'm sure your D I C K will magically work again."
"Bebe," he whispers, looking for the right words, but we're not those kinds of people.
"Good night, Pax."
I plan to restrain my tears until I'm safely in the bedroom. Before I'm halfway down the hall, Pax has me around the waist. I hadn't heard him move, and I nearly scream when his hands press me back against him.
"Bebe," he whispers.
I tremble against him, torn between fear and longing. His hot breath on my neck is torture. Why did he have to freak out in such an awful way? Why couldn't he step back without hurting Lula and me so badly?
"I know I messed up and I can't just say sorry," he whispers in my ear. "I hoped I could tell you that stuff and you'd run into my arms and it'd be okay again. I know I was stupid earlier today, and I was stupid coming home and thinking I could make things right with a few words."
Pax keeps me still with one arm around my waist while twirling my hair around the fingers of his free hand.
"I wanted you that first night at City by Night even though I imagined your kid as looking like Cousin It. I thought you were so damn sexy, and I acted like an ape at dinner. I'm not a smart guy, but I learned to be better with you. I can learn more, Bebe."
"You scared my baby girl," I say, my voice cracking, "and turned me into a slap-crazy B I T C H. I don't know how to move past that."
"Not today you don't. I don't know how to either. If we can't figure it out, we have smart friends and they can help us."
"You just called me stupid."
"I know. I'm on a roll today," he says, caressing my cheek with his lips.
"I am pretty stupid. Maybe we need to hook up with smarter people since we're both dumb."
"No. I want you. I nearly punched Maggie in the face tonight when she tried to touch me. You're the only one I want, and I think together we make a smart enough person."
"You made me feel like shit today," I say, struggling not to relax against him.
"I know. I don't have any real excuse either. I felt bad, so I wanted you to feel bad. Now I need to make it right. Tomorrow I'll start fixing things. You just have to let me try."
Taking his hands, I remove them from around me. "Maybe you can tomorrow. For tonight, I need to lick my wounds."
"Okay," he says, wrapping me back into his arms. He sighs against my neck. "I just want you to know that I love you. I'm not a great man, and I can't promise I won't fuck up, but I love you, and I don't love just anyone. You think about that while you're licking your wounds tonight."
Pax kisses my neck then lets me go. I shuffle forward, afraid to look back. Before disappearing into the bedroom, I force myself and see only the shadow of him in the dark hall.
I finish my walk to the bedroom door before whispering, "I love you too, Pax."
I've imagined many ways I might tell him I loved him, but I never figured feeling so low when I said the words. Crawling in bed next to Lula, I reach over and stroke Folgers's head. I feel like shit, and I doubt tomorrow will be much better. Despite my bruised heart and shit-upon ego, Pax said he loved me, and I hold onto those words while sleep takes me.
29
Pax
Forgiveness is for Little Girls
Knowing Bebe and Lula need to be protected, I can't sleep downstairs. The house feels too big now, and I imagine crawling into Bebe's bed. Until I earn my way back into her good graces, I'll sleep on the couch.
Bebe loves me even though I'm an asshole and hurt her. I hurt Lula too, scaring a kid already on edge from her rough life. While I fucked up, I still have a chance. The love of a good woman is worth waiting for.
Too damn big for the couch, I end up on the floor a few times. I finally turn on the Christmas tree lights and relax into a decent sleep.