"I don't fucking think I am. I think you're being a little shithead."
Grunting, I think about Lula crying at the kitchen table.
"I don't know why you think you can be a dad," I say, shoving him. "You don't know how to raise kids."
"It's not hard. You feed them and make sure they're safe. It's not like they're babies. The boys know how to bathe themselves and wipe their asses. Not complicated at all."
"Well, I can't do it with Lula."
"Why not? Even if you don't want Bebe, the kid looks up to you."
"She's already trying to read, and she ain't in school yet. How the hell can I help her with any of that? You know I read for shit."
Shrugging, Ford scratches his beard. "There's more to raising kids than reading books. Sure, you're a fuckwit, but look at her real dad. He's an evil fuck, while you're just a stupid fuck."
"You're a steaming pile of turds."
"Look, do you want Bebe or not?"
"No."
"Okay. Let's get a few beers then head over to Suede and get you laid. Nothing gets a guy over a chick like another chick."
"Skip the beers. Let's just go to Suede now."
Ford grins. "First of all, idiot, Suede doesn't open for a few more hours. Second, you look crazy hostile. No chick is gonna want anywhere near your dick when you look crazy hostile."
"Whatever."
"Let's walk to the gas station and pick up some beers. We'll hit some balls then get you laid."
My mind instantly returns to Bebe pulling my hair when she comes. I hate her for making me happy when we can't happen. Bebe should know better than to want me. She has Lula to protect, yet she welcomes me into her heart like I'm capable of doing anything more than giving her a good fuck.
26
Bebe
Turning My Brown Eyes Blue
Growing up with a prostitute mother made keeping friends tricky. Once parents heard rumors about what she did for a living, they forbade their kids from our home. Even the druggie parents thought they were better than my family.
These days, I have loyal friends. Shay hurries over first. Darby, Perri, Lupe, and Flora arrive soon after with the kids. Stuck at work, Jenn calls to tell me she ordered Lucky to share fist wisdom with Pax. They all want to make me feel better, but I can't stop shaking.
"I hit Pax," I say as we sit on the back deck while the kids enjoy a mild day.
"Good," Darby says, sipping coffee.
"I don't like being violent unless it's someone like Creepy Spencer," I say, remembering the freak who attacked Shay and me months ago, "Pax is different, and I feel trashy to have slapped him."
Studying my hand, I still feel the burn from hitting him.
"You lost your temper and lashed out," Shay says. "Shit happens. Besides, Pax is an enforcer. A few slaps won't hurt him."
"I should have lashed out with words."
Perri laughs at my comment first. Flora and Lupe quickly join in. Darby only smiles while Shay hurts herself by keeping the laughter inside.
"Pax isn't a man affected much by words," Darby says. "He opens his mouth and words fly out. He doesn't have control over them, and he doesn't take anything said to him personally either. It's not who he is. Slapping him made the point words couldn't."
Grumpy at being laughed at, I try to explain. "I feel bad because of how I feel, not how I made him feel. He sucks, and I hope it hurt him. I just wish I had reacted with more restraint. I'm disappointed in myself."
The girls laugh again, and I finally roll my eyes. "What's wrong with bettering myself?"
"Nothing, but I think you're distracting from what's really bothering you."
"What's that?"
Darby gives me her patient mom look. "You're living in a house with a man you want but can't have. Now what do you do?"
"I'm not leaving," I say with too much heat. "Lula likes it here, and he promised she wouldn't have to leave."
"Okay, but he won't be celibate."
"I know. Maybe I won't either."
"Ooh," Lupe cries, immediately excited. "We have a new cook at the restaurant. He's really cute and single. I was saving him for my neighbor's daughter, but screw her. She goes to college and can find another boy."
Even grinning, I'm horrified at the thought of another man. "I'm not ready for a new guy, but give it a few days, and maybe I'll change my mind."
Shay eyes me then glances at Darby, who nods. I hate when they share their silent conversations.
"What?"
"Nothing," Shay sighs.
Hearing their kids laughing, Perri and Flora share a smile. I know how they feel to have this chance at a new start. Even though Pax broke my heart and we'll never work, I can't give up the home he's offered. I refuse to let him steal it away either.
Once the kids tire out and dinner is over, everyone except Shay heads home. Lula wants to rest in bed and watch a movie. After her friends' visit, my baby is in a better mood now. She's thinking about Pax though.