"You're making me feel worse."
"We're bad men, Homerun. The only difference between us and men like Wolfman is how we treat our families. You're never gonna be a nice guy, but will you take care of that woman and her kid? Can you treat them right? I'm no winner, but I make my wife and kids happy. I make them feel safe and get them nice things. The people of Little Memphis might be scared when they see me coming, but my family ain't. That's all I care about."
Looking at Ford, I know he's thinking about Shay and her brothers.
"I don't know how to fix what I broke," I admit to Lucky.
"Say you're sorry then do better every day. There's no magic fix for the shit you pulled. If Bebe wants you, she'll forgive you for being a dickhead. If she doesn't want you, nothing you say will make a damn bit of difference."
Shivering now, I've lost the heat of my earlier rage. I both crave and fear seeing Bebe. When I left, she was in tears. I hurt her, and she's had all day to let the pain fester. Darby and Shay likely told her how she can do better. They filled her head with the kind of honesty that won't help my cause.
My only choice left is to return home with my tail between my legs and face the mess I've made.
28
Bebe
Broken Heart and Bruised Ego
Alone in the dark living room, I watch TV and wait for Pax. In my bed, Lula finally sleeps. Twice, she woke crying before settling back down. Folgers remains in the bedroom to watch over Lula. I love that dog more every day.
My head hurts from crying too long, and I dread Pax returning home. Will he bring a woman with him? Flora texted me earlier to say she heard Pax hooked up with Maggie. Even knowing I should hide in the bedroom and avoid him, I can't wait until tomorrow to get over this first encounter.
If he walks into the house and hurries downstairs with his latest pussy, I need to hear it. I need to accept this new reality of our relationship. Tomorrow, Lula will be awake, and I'll need to be strong. Tonight, I need to face my fears and let Pax go.
I'm dozing when the front door opens. Folgers bolts out of the bedroom and stares downstairs. Pax whistles for the dog, but Folgers doesn't move. After a minute, the dog returns to the bedroom.
Pax shuffles upstairs and stops when he sees me. Pretending to ignore him, I focus on the TV. He walks into the kitchen and circles the island twice before stopping at the backdoor. Finally, he ends his aimlessly movements next to the TV.
"You hate me," he says softly.
"Yes."
"I don't hate you."
"I don't care."
"No," he sighs. "You probably don't."
Pax shuffles to the kitchen and stands there for a few minutes before returning.
"I've never had a girlfriend. Not even in high school."
"I don't care."
Pax nods but doesn't shuffle around again. He just watches me.
"I tried to cheat on you by hooking up with Maggie. I couldn't do it."
"It wouldn't be cheating. We broke up. Maybe your D I C K will work better with the next girl."
Sighing again, Pax looks tired and maybe a little drunk. I feel no pity. My rage is the only emotion keeping me from crying like a sap.
"Chicks look weird to me now," he says, tapping the TV. "This one waitress has big eyes. I used to think they were sexy, but now she looks like a crazy owl. Another girl has giant tits. You know how I love tits, but hers look fucked up now. You've ruined titties for me, Bebe. I may never be able to go to Hooters again."
I don't smile, but he's not really joking anyway. His words are meant to be compliments. Forcing my gaze to meet his, I summon the strength not to look away.
"You got scared and felt overwhelmed. I know all that, but I don't care. You F U C K E D up. You wanted something because Ford had it. Then you realized you didn't really want it."
Exhausted by saying the words, I lower my gaze. "Just leave me alone. Tomorrow we'll pretend we're friends and nothing else happened. Lula is used to men being scary. She'll need to learn to be careful around you."
Pax shakes his head. "Why does everyone think I'm copying Ford?"
"Does it really matter? The why doesn't change anything."
"I don't want to pretend to be friends."
"We're not moving out," I growl at him, sitting up. "You made a promise, and you'll keep it."
"That's not what I meant."
I stand up and turn off the TV. The only light is from the kitchen, but I'm not walking past him to turn it off.
"You ruined me for other women."
"No, I really didn't. You're putting too much importance in your D I C K not working with the first woman you saw a few hours after you told me I was a loser."
"I never said you were a loser."
"Do you even remember what you said?"
Pax scratches his beard. "No. I was fucking stupid, but…"
"Talking won't do S H I T. Go to bed. Tomorrow, pretend you weren't an A S S H O L E with Lula. Everything can go back to normal."
"What does normal mean? What about us?"