Bebe's talking to me, yet her tone and demeanor says she's only going through the motions since Lula is in the room. I wonder if she would ignore me otherwise.
Leaving Lula drinking the milk from her cereal, I join Bebe in the kitchen. I wish I could touch her. I especially love her sleepy eyes.
"Instead of taking Lula to Darby's today, why not leave her home with me?"
Bebe says nothing then gives me a side-glance. "Why?"
"I'll be home since the cleaning lady comes today. Why get her all bundled up when she can lounge around here?"
"She can play with the other kids at Darby's."
"If she stays here, she can play with me. You know, since I'm acting like a little kid with my tantrums and shit."
Bebe doesn't smile at my lame joke. She finally looks at me, and I see her weighing her options. A part of her doesn't trust me. Another part of her knows Lula likes staying home where it's quiet.
"Will you give her lunch at eleven and put her down for a nap by twelve, just like if she went to Darby's?"
"Yeah. We'll play out back with Folgers. That'll wear her out."
Holding my gaze, Bebe asks what she's really wondering, "Why?"
I want to bullshit her but decide to be honest instead. "I thought I lost you two last night. Lula forgave me, and I want her to know I'm not the dickhead from yesterday. I need her to like me again."
Her gaze softening, Bebe nods. "She loves you, Pax. You're the closest she's had to a father. If you can't handle that, you need to be honest with yourself and us."
"I love her too. I love that she's smart and sweet. I love that she laughs so easy. I love how she stares at the Christmas tree like it's magic. She's my kid in here," I say, touching my chest. "I'm not letting Wolfman near her. Or you."
Bebe's expression is unreadable. She looks like she wants to kiss me. I wish she would, but she doesn't. Her heart still hurts from what I said to her in this very kitchen less than twenty-four hours earlier. Bebe is no fool, and she knows words are cheap. I need to earn back her trust.
Maybe I've regained a bit already, because she agrees to leave Lula home with me. I'm one step closer to where I need to be.
30
Bebe
Slow Train to Pitytown
I move through my day as if sleepwalking. The hotel is busy with guests checking out, and I clean steadily from one room to another. The repetitive work allows me to dig deeper into myself.
I remember when I was a teenager enjoying pizza night with Mom and Sabine. Missing them both now, I smile at how often we laughed. We were the Three Musketeers for so long, but now Mom is dead and I pray Sabine has only run off.
My mind is on Lula as a baby when I see Virginia and her friends in the pool. They're laughing and splashing each other. Like normal women my age, they want to have fun before the serious parts of their lives begin. They're free in a way I can't be because of Lula. Waving back at Virginia, I have no regrets. Lula makes me laugh like my mom and sister did. With her, life has meaning.
Imagining my baby spending the day with Pax, I wonder what they do together. Does he let her eat candy and watch TV? The last time I left them alone, Pax claimed they watched educational shows and practiced their letters. He even said Lula was teaching him to read. Even though I laughed, he probably wasn't kidding. She's smarter than us both.
By the time I return home, I don't know how I feel about Pax. I love and miss him. I crave his arms around me and his cock in my body. I need him to love me and protect Lula and me. I want all the good stuff, but I fear him now.
Pax might love me, but he might be incapable of loving me right. While I grew up with a single mom working as a prostitute, Pax's childhood was worse. He bounced around with only another child to keep him sane. Now Ford has a new family, and Pax thinks he needs one too.
Maybe all he needs is to exist without Ford for a while and be his own man. Learn more about himself as Pax rather than as part of the Ford-and-Pax duo. Sure, the brothers live down the block from each other and they work together. They'll never really be apart. For Pax though, the separation could help him grow into a man capable of being a husband and father one day.
The house smells like French fries, and I find McDonald's wrappers in the trash. Folgers follows me to where Pax sleeps on the couch. His face is covered with one arm while the other arm hangs off the couch. His long frame looks uncomfortable, and I dodge his feet hanging off the end.
Nearly hidden under her Strawberry Shortcake blanket, Lula fell asleep with the TV playing quietly.
Returning to the living room, I think to wake up Pax. He's tired, and I'm not ready to talk, so I let him sleep. Feeling restless, I take Folgers for a walk. We walk half a block before I spot Ford in his driveway, working on his bike. Noticing me, he nods. His expression warms when he sees Folgers.