Grinning, I poke at my food. "My mom's casserole tasted better."
"My mom made us hot dogs. Best damn hot dogs on the planet."
"Really?"
Smiling, Pax shakes his head. "Nope. She always put them in the microwave for too long. They'd split up and burn at the ends."
Lula smiles at both of us, not understanding how Pax's mom is a loser. She just likes that we're talking about moms. In her young mind, her family is happy. Maybe soon she'll be right, but tonight my heart still hurts, and my brain is telling me Pax will never be ready for the kind of commitment he thinks he wants.
31
Bebe
Just a Kiss
The evening is awkward. Before his blowup, Pax and I cuddled while Tallulah got sleepy watching a movie. Tonight, I keep her squarely between us. Noticing the separation, Pax looks at me like I'm the devil. I ignore his frown at first, but he won't let up. I finally flip him off, and he gives me a begrudging smile.
Ford arrives at the house around nine to drop off Folgers. I take this opportunity to put Tallulah to bed. Since she wants to sleep in her own room, I stay with her and watch cartoons until she dozes off. My plan is to sneak into the bathroom before hurrying to the bedroom, while Pax and Ford do their brotherly bonding routine. Once Tallulah's eyes remain closed, I haul ass to the bathroom.
Makeup removed, pajamas on, and teeth brushed, I hurry for the safety of my bedroom. I never reach the door.
When Pax blocks my path, I try to push past him. He effortlessly pins me to the wall.
"F U C K off."
"I don't want a lot from life," he whispers, studying my breasts then my face. "Just a kiss."
"No."
"You miss me inside you."
Pax's gaze undresses me, tearing away all my defenses. I feel naked now, exposed to his every desire. I fucking hate how my body betrays me.
As powerless as I am to his hunger, he isn't so powerful against me either.
I lower my gaze to study his broad chest. Inhaling, I draw his gaze to my tits. When I suck at my bottom lip, Pax zeros in on the gesture. He's breathing faster now, and I know he misses being inside me.
"No," I say, staring into his eyes. "You turned on me last time I trusted you."
"I'm stupid in a lot of ways…"
"Yeah."
Pax rolls his eyes before focusing them back on my lips. "I learn from my fuck-ups and don't make the same ones again."
"So you'll break my heart in some other way," I mutter even as my fingers tease the skull tattoo around his arm.
"I might not be the best man for you," he says, "but I am your man. You know that. It's why you want me to kiss you. I fucked up, but you want to give me another chance."
Staring into his eyes, I struggle not to give in right this very moment. I miss him too much to bear, but it's been barely a day.
"I'm scared you'll hurt me again. I'm not ready to trust you."
"Just a kiss. You're strong enough for a kiss."
Pax isn't wrong, and I really want to kiss him. He leans down and waits to see if I'll stop him. When I don't, his lips spread over mine and devour my breath.
Even missing the feel of his body against mine, I refuse to wrap my arms around him. I only grip his forearms and wish he hadn't hurt me. Desperate for the fairytale, I need to trust him. Pax might be a scary fucker to most people, but he's my Prince Charming.
My mind swims and my body melts, but I stop him before we take the kiss farther.
"One kiss," I mumble, licking my lips.
Pax leans against the wall, keeping me pinned so I can't run. He sighs then kisses the top of my head.
"I'm going to get you back for real. I'll kiss you until you won't remember when I was an asshole."
"You've always been an A S S H O L E. It's sort of who you are."
Pax grins. "You must love that about me then."
I study him then wiggle free. "Yeah, I do find it pretty addictive, but not tonight."
"Soon though, right?"
Glancing at him over my shoulder, I find him looking as lost as I feel. He deserves to suffer, and I need to be strong. Yet we both crave finding our way back together. Seeing him hurting, I can't help giving him a little nod of encouragement. Pax smiles at my small gesture and watches me disappear into my room.
32
Pax
Cuddly Teddy Bear
Bebe's kiss gets me through a tense night. After breakfast, she relents to my request for another kiss before I head to the diner for a work breakfast. I try to make the kiss last as long as possible, but Bebe pushes me off before walking away. I might own her heart, but getting back in her bed wasn't happening anytime soon.
Breakfast with the club is dull with nothing except talk about the holidays. All the smiles and laughter are a lie, and I ignore everyone while eating. I remain unfocused until the batting cages with Ford.