Ellie groaned and they walked on unsteady feet to their quarters. There were fifty nurses on board, and Scarlet doubted any of them would have cast-iron stomachs as the boat began to lurch more, and she knew that the further out to sea they went, the worse it would get.
It hadn’t crossed her mind before, but as the storm became more intense, the wind howling already, so different from the overcast, merely cloudy weather they’d encountered as they’d stood above deck, she started to wonder about whether they’d even survive the voyage. It was a morbid thought, but the strong winds, the lashing of the rain and the big waves, coupled with a possible enemy attack, suddenly had her stomach churning and her hand reaching for the dreaded thick paper bag.
‘Come on, why don’t we make ourselves useful? Try to do something entertaining to keep everyone’s minds off what’s going on?’ Scarlet suggested as she gripped the bag.
‘You actually think they’ll let us do something?’ Ellie asked. She did look a little happier, cracking a smile as she looked back.
‘So long as it’s women only? I’ll bet they couldn’t give a hoot what we do.’
It wasn’t often Ellie who needed cheering up, but Scarlet didn’t like to see her so down. Besides, she liked the idea of doing anything that distracted her from the rolling motion of the boat.
‘What were you thinking?’ Ellie asked.
‘That’s the problem, I wasn’t!’ she said with a laugh. ‘Any ideas?’
‘None. But between the two of us I’m sure we’ll come up with something.’
‘Don’t forget, Matron said we could visit her cabin if we need to for rum. A good dose of that is her cure for seasickness,’ Scarlet said. ‘I think at best it’d be so horrendous it would knock you out cold, but what was it she said?’
‘That she didn’t have the time or patience for illness amongst her nurses,’ Ellie muttered.
Scarlet sighed. She’d like to see how Matron managed to keep her food down because she doubted even the strongest of stomachs wouldn’t be queasy right now.
Scarlet clung to the rails and stared into the ocean. She didn’t know if this was a sensible thing to do or a stupid one, but she couldn’t seem to focus on anything else. The boat had been heaving for what felt like days, although she knew the wild weather had only been bad for a matter of hours – the wind howling and the rain sporadic. If there had been a worse time they could have sailed, she struggled to imagine when it would have been.
‘Scarlet!’
Her name whipped on the wind, and she wondered if she was imagining it. She shut her eyes, tried to move with the boat. But even with her eyes closed she could still see the dark water, the white foam stark against the almost black waves. She didn’t know why it was so dark, the violence of the storm perhaps, but she’d never seen water like it and hoped she never would again.
‘Scarlet!’
This time she did turn. The voice was closer, definitely not in her imagination.
‘James?’ She hadn’t expected to see him, not on board when there were such strict rules. Although she gathered that he was probably allowed to do things the lowlier soldiers weren’t, given that he was a commanding officer.
‘Ellie said I might find you out here.’
She noticed how healthy he looked, how strong. So many of the nurses had fallen dreadfully ill, not used to the conditions or the terrible food, but James certainly didn’t seem to be suffering, at least not visibly.
‘How are you coping?’
She shook her head, knowing they should be keeping their distance. ‘Not well. Better when I’m out here, for some reason.’
Scarlet expected him to tell her off for being out, for leaning over the railing when she might fall. But he didn’t.
‘I wanted to make sure you were doing all right. I’ve been worried about you.’
Scarlet’s heart was beating fast, her sick stomach forgotten as she stared into James’s eyes. How did he make her feel like this every time he looked at her, spoke to her? Did he think of her as much as she did him?
Her mind was screaming out for Thomas, trying desperately to think only of him, but suddenly everything about him was a blur, a whir of snapshots that were no longer filled with the emotion or longing she’d grown used to. It was James she couldn’t stop thinking about.
‘I’m fine,’ she stammered, eventually.
‘You’re too optimistic not to be faring well,’ he said with a chuckle.
Scarlet looked across and fought the urge to reach out to him. It didn’t matter what they were talking about, he always made her feel the same, and now, staring at his mouth, she couldn’t help but think about the kiss they’d shared.
‘I’m starting to feel a whole lot less optimistic now,’ Scarlet admitted, raising her voice to be heard above the wind, moving closer to him as the ship heaved again.
‘And if you don’t find him?’ James asked, taking a hand off the rail as he turned to face her.
Scarlet returned his gaze, staying strong even though he was making her feel things she didn’t want to feel. Of course they were talking about Thomas again.
‘I haven’t thought that far ahead,’ she said honestly.
James reached out to her, extended his hand and patiently waited for her to place her palm against his. Her hand was shaking, fingers locking around his, not needing any encouragement. James had been all she’d thought about as she lay in her makeshift bed the night before, as she listened to her fellow nurses and friends vomit into their bags and dry-retch, as she whispered with Ellie while they huddled close for warmth and tried to take their minds off what was happening.
And now here he was, standing before her, his expression so hard to read, his hand so warm when she was shivering cold. A wave rocked the boat and sent her spiralling towards him, tumbling into his arms as he managed to catch her.
‘No,’ she muttered, pushing back, not wanting to be this close to him.
He held her tight, not letting go.
‘If Thomas is alive, I will come to your wedding. If I survive the war,’ James said, stepping back but still holding her, staring deep into her eyes, hands to her elbows. ‘I will kiss your cheek and tell you how happy I am for you, and I’ll never mention what passed between us. I will be the perfect brother, the model brother-in-law.’ He paused. ‘We shall never speak of what happened between us.’
Scarlet should have been thrilled. Thomas would never know what had happened, that she’d wavered instead of remaining entirely devoted to him. But there was only one question circling her mind. ‘What if he isn’t alive?’ She gulped, her feet unsteady as the boat moved up then down again. ‘What if he’s gone?’
‘Then I will be the one searching for you,’ James said simply.
Her heart had been racing before, but now it was thumping, the warmth of his body making it impossible not to think about how badly she wanted him. ‘James, you don’t mean that. I can’t . . .’
He pulled her closer, his eyes never leaving hers, not for a beat. ‘Scarlet, listen to me.’ He ducked down, head lowered, mouth too close to hers. ‘The day I met you, before I ever knew who you were, there was something about you. Now I’m not going to do anything I shouldn’t, I wouldn’t do that to Thomas, but . . .’