Trouble is a Friend of Mine

We froze in our wounded soldier crawl poses. I prayed Schell would leave, but instead, a ceiling tile right by me rose. Schell was using his shotgun barrel to push it up. A second later, Schell’s shotgun barrel pushed up another tile even closer to me.

I panicked. I got up on my hands and knees. My body just wanted to run. There was a loud creak, then a huge SNAP. There was total horror on Digby’s and Henry’s faces. Then a split second later, the ceiling collapsed and I crashed into the office below.

Schell and I both screamed. My chin was on fire when I landed and when I touched it, my hands came away covered in blood.

‘Where’s your friend?’ Schell randomly stabbed ceiling tiles with his shotgun. Another section of the ceiling collapsed and there was Henry, sprawled on the floor in front of me.

‘Get over there,’ Schell said.

Sitting on the floor with a shotgun pointing at me, I imagined a crime show with some cop looking at my blown-off face saying, ‘Gentlemen, looks like for this kid’ – puts on sunglasses – ‘school’s out forever.’ Then credits rolling and some ’70s rock song about not getting fooled again starting with a scream.

After a second, I realized the screaming was no imagined rock song and that, in fact, the screaming was coming from me. Later, Digby told me I sounded like his grandmother’s cockatoo when its wing accidentally got caught in the vacuum.

‘Shut up! Shut up!’ Schell said.

But I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t even pausing for breath. I just screamed.

Then Digby exploded through the ceiling and landed on Schell’s back. Henry grabbed the shotgun, and the three of them twirled around, crashing into furniture. It felt like they went on like that forever until KA-BAM, the shotgun went off. Plaster from the wall behind me puffed up into a dust cloud.

After that, I couldn’t hear myself scream anymore. All I heard was a loud ringing. I watched them crash around on mute. Then, as Digby just about pried the shotgun away from Schell, two people ran in holding handguns. They must have told them to freeze, because Digby, Henry, and Schell stopped struggling. Schell slowly dropped his shotgun.

One of the new arrivals was a tall lady with bright red lipstick who immediately ran to me. I couldn’t hear her clearly but I think she yelled to the chubby guy who I guessed was her partner, ‘Call it in, she’s been shot!’

I thought, Oh, God, I’ve been shot? before I passed out.





TEN


When I came to, Conan O’Brien was standing over me holding a giant needle. Weirdly, the late-night TV show host was dressed as a paramedic.

‘Sir, are you sure you’re allowed to do this?’ Henry said. ‘Shouldn’t we go to the hospital?’

‘Relax, kid. I’m certified,’ Conan O’Brien said.

It was then that I saw the needle in Conan’s hand was attached to thread coming out of my chin. I realized Conan O’Brien was sewing me up with a huge needle.

‘Yup,’ Digby said. ‘There she goes again.’

Everything went white.

When I came to again, I was lying on the couch in Schell’s office. Digby, Henry, Lady Cop, and Chubby Cop were in the middle of an argument. No one noticed I’d woken up.

‘Lemme see those badges again,’ Digby said.

‘You’ve seen them,’ Lady Cop said.

‘I want to write down your badge numbers,’ Digby said.

Chubby Cop looked exasperated, but he and his partner handed their badges to Digby. ‘You three are in serious trouble … breaking and entering’s a felony,’ he said. ‘Me, I want to bring you down to the station and book you, but my partner thinks we should give you a chance to explain what you’re doing here tonight.’

Lady Cop moved oddly close to Digby and used a gentle voice. ‘Look, kids, maybe there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation. We’re willing to listen …’

‘You’ve got five minutes. Then I slap on some cuffs.’ Chubby Cop pointed at Digby. ‘You look like the instigator. Start talking.’

Digby noticed I was awake and watching.

‘Hey. She’s up. Her chin’s bleeding,’ Digby said. ‘Maybe you should get her some water?’

‘Sure, sure … let’s talk a little and we’ll get her water in a minute,’ Lady Cop said.

Digby barked ‘Ha!’ and crossed his arms. ‘A real good cop would’ve gotten her water.’ Digby pointed at the pudgy cop. ‘And Officer Cooper? A real bad cop never would’ve winced at the blood.’

The cops’ faces fell, confirming Digby had seen through their acts.

‘I get it, though, because Officer Holloway even looks like the nice lady cop on that show,’ Digby said. ‘But you got to smize. You know, smile with your eyes –’

‘Okay,’ Holloway said. ‘That’s enough. The conditions are the same. Talk or we’ll take you to the station.’

‘You know, it’s interesting that we’re not at the station now. In fact, it’s interesting that you patched her up here instead of taking her to the ER,’ Digby said.

The two cops looked distinctly uncomfortable.

‘Maybe we oughta go to the station. Maybe we should call our parents. Or our lawyers,’ Digby said.