Trouble is a Friend of Mine

‘Okay, Stella, shouldn’t we –’ Cooper said.

‘You don’t need lawyers,’ Officer Holloway said to us. ‘Schell isn’t pressing charges. He claims it was a misunderstanding and that you two are his patients.’ She pointed at Digby and me. ‘If you corroborate his story, we’ll let everybody go.’

‘Which you don’t want to do,’ Digby said.

‘No,’ Holloway said.

‘But you don’t want us. It’s him you want,’ Digby said.

Holloway was silent. Cooper stared at his shoes.

‘When my sister was abducted, the cops took eighteen minutes to come,’ Digby said. ‘You two were here three minutes after I called.’

‘We were across the street. We watched you break in,’ Holloway said. ‘This … isn’t exactly our case.’

‘What’s going on?’ Henry said.

‘I’ll bet they need what we have on Schell, but they have to get it from us legally or they can’t use it,’ Digby said. ‘You let us break in because we would’ve been a reason to search the office.’

‘Good guess, kid,’ Holloway said.

‘You’re not detectives and you’re not in uniform …’ Digby said.

‘We’re off the clock,’ Holloway said. ‘This is our side project.’

‘Side project? Like … vigilante?’ Digby said.

‘Like budget cuts eliminated proactive investigations,’ Cooper said. ‘Even when we have solid leads about a doctor writing illegal prescriptions that can be directly tied to two fatal ODs.’

‘Can’t you get him on a weapons charge? He shot at us,’ Digby said.

‘Legit permit,’ Cooper said. ‘And, technically, it sounds like the weapon discharged accidentally.’

‘Okay … what if there’s another way?’ Digby said.

‘We’re listening,’ Holloway said.

‘What if someone else pressed charges? Say, a chiropractor whose storefront was vandalized?’ Digby said. ‘Then maybe you’d have to take us in? Check our pockets?’

‘Where we find …’ Holloway said.

‘A list of names and numbers … and maybe those numbers are URL addresses to a members-only porn site that shows him playing doctor with patients,’ Digby said. ‘Except the patients don’t know they’re playing.’

‘Wait. That means you knew what those numbers were the whole time? We didn’t need to come here at all? What was this stupid breakin for, then?’ I said.

‘And maybe if you found another file one of us was holding, you’d let him keep it since it has nothing to do with your case against Schell,’ Digby said.

‘Sorry, kid, that’s stolen property,’ Holloway said.

‘Yeah, but since technically, this’ – Digby held up Schell’s files – ‘is tainted evidence, and I think if we dropped all the maybe’s from this conversation, we’d be in a conspiracy …’

‘Christ, kid, you get all that from watching TV?’ Holloway said.

‘I only need one file. Check the name – it’s my mother’s. Let me keep it and we’ll cooperate,’ Digby said.

‘Cooperate?’ I said. ‘What does that mean, exactly?’

‘Deal?’ Digby said.

Holloway stared at Cooper, pleading.

‘I’m sure this is not only illegal, but it’s probably also a violation of his constitutional rights too,’ Cooper said. Finally, looking pained, he closed his eyes and nodded.

‘Okay, great. You get twenty minutes. Read it here before we take you in,’ Holloway said. ‘Best we can do.’

‘I take photos,’ Digby said.

‘No,’ Holloway said.

‘Notes?’ Digby said.

‘Fine. But you’re struck with amnesia about how you got them,’ Holloway said.

‘Deal,’ Digby said.

‘In fact, all three of you get struck with amnesia about what’s happening here,’ Holloway said.

‘I’m not even sure I know what’s going on,’ Henry said.

‘Don’t we all have to agree? I can’t have this on my permanent record,’ I said.

‘Uh … me neither,’ Henry said. ‘Football scholarships require a clean record.’

‘Wow. I never thought the whole permanent record thing would blow up in our faces,’ Cooper said.

‘There’s no such thing as a permanent record,’ Holloway said.

‘Stella, don’t tell them that,’ Cooper said. ‘Yeah, kids, there is such a thing as a permanent record.’

‘Your partner really is the good cop, isn’t he?’ Digby said.

‘You have no idea,’ Holloway said. ‘He’s vegan and he won’t even put honey in his tea because he refuses to exploit bees.’

I couldn’t help it. I thought, He’s vegan? and immediately my eyes gravitated to his belly hanging over his belt. I guess we were all doing it and he noticed.

Cooper pulled his jacket over his stomach. ‘Carbs are vegan.’

‘Don’t most college applications ask you to list just felonies?’ Digby said.

‘That sounds right,’ Henry said.

‘What’s vandalism?’ Digby said.