“And why didn’t you want to do that?”
I bowed my head and tried to think of an appropriate response. “Isn’t it obvious?” My voice came out quiet and broken. I didn’t know how to handle this situation because I hadn’t thought it through. I wanted everything with her. But I still wasn’t sure if I could give it to her.
Her shoulders finally relaxed and the fire in her eyes turned to a smolder.
“I haven’t been with anyone in a long time…since before you stayed with me.”
“Why?” She searched my eyes for a response.
“I just don’t want to.” I knew it wasn’t the answer she wanted but it was all I could give her.
Her eyes didn’t blink as she watched me.
“I just didn’t want you to think I told you I didn’t do the girlfriend thing then turned around and did it behind your back. The last thing I would ever do is lie to you. You know that.”
She nodded slightly.
“This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had and…” I wanted to say so much more but I didn’t know how. If I did exactly what I wanted, I might hurt her more. There were times like this when I thought this could work. But then I remembered why it couldn’t. I was a monster. Actually, I was the devil. “I want you to know that.”
“It’s been a nice Christmas for me too.” She seemed slightly disappointed like I hadn’t said exactly what she wanted to hear. But she seemed relieved that I didn’t tell her I would never be serious with her then end up with someone else. I needed her to understand that would never happen—unless it was with her.
I stepped closer to her and my hands moved to her hips. Her shirt bunched up in my grasp and lifted from her hips slightly. Every part of my body wanted to have hers. I craved her in a way I never had before. It was like I was made just to be with her. Somehow, I found the strength to remain platonic. “Are we okay?”
She nodded.
“Can I sleep with you?”
She debated it for a moment, the thoughts swirling in her mind. “As long as you go back to your room before everyone wakes up.”
I smiled for the first time that day. “Thank you.”