Slouching down on my couch, I dragged my knees into my chest and rested my chin atop of them. What if I disappointed him? Or worse, what if I couldn’t go through with it? How much could one guy excuse?
I rubbed my temples and rocked back and forth. Sure, I was fine with the intimacy we’d already shared, but sex? I’d thought I was ready the other day, but what if I freaked out? There’s a big difference between that and what we’d done. What if it was too much?
“Fuck!”
I shot to my feet and yanked the elastic band from my hair, releasing my curls. Twirling clumps around my fingers, I paced around like a caged lioness. I wasn’t denying the fact I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anything, but sometimes I wasn’t in control of my stupid body. Things had a way of creeping in and taking over. Experience had taught me that, and I didn’t want it to happen in front of him. I never wanted him to think he was the cause of something bad. Or worse, to figure everything out.
I threw open the drawer in my end table with so much force I thought it’d unhinge, and pulled my journal out from under a magazine. Opening the door to my balcony, I shivered as cold air rushed in, and closed it just as quickly. The balcony was not an option. Returning to the couch, my pen scrawled.
Torture
Pain
Worry
Refrain
Hurt
Mad
Alone
Sad
Dream
Free
Soar
Be
Caged
Wild
Extreme
Mild
Scrambled
Confused
Conflicted
Bemused
Locked
Strapped
Prisoner
Trapped
Lost
Found
Confined
Bound
Dead
Alive
Phony
Hide
Asleep
Awake
Live
Blake
My fingers danced across my phone in a familiar motion I could do with my eyes closed, and a second later Jace’s groggy voice answered. “Well, I guess I’m not going to that class.” He yawned.
“I need you.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Just come here, okay?”
“I need coffee,” he groaned.
“Already done. Door’s open.”
Five minutes later, Jace stumbled through my door, wiping crust out of the corners of his eyes, his hair all mussed. “This better be good. Kostas Martakis was having his way with me when you called.”
I pushed the steaming mug into his hand, and he dropped onto my couch, tucking his feet under himself.
“I can’t do this, Jace. I need to call it off.”
“What? Have you completely lost your mind?”
“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t fucking know!” I plopped down on the coffee table in front of him, fiercely fingering my hair. “How can I do this? What if he finds out everything? And how can I have sex with him?”
“I’ll show you how.” The corner of his mouth tilted with his eyebrow, and he raised the mug to his lips.
“Jace, I’m being serious.”
“Chill, boo. I’m not awake enough for this shit. Let me rev up some brain cells first.” Jace took a giant swig of his coffee, all relaxed as if I hadn’t been in the middle of a panic attack. I wanted to knock him off the couch.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Can we figure out my life now, or should I get you an I.V.?”
“Listen, bitch, you’re giving me whiplash. I’ve had it with you already. That boy’s going to run away from you if you don’t stop it, and then what? Is that what you want?”
I stared at him, unable to form words.
Jace’s lips pinched. “I didn’t think so. And stop ripping at your hair. The bald look ain’t for you.” Jace grabbed my hands and pulled me forward so our noses were almost touching. “Look, Eva. I’ve supported you living in your shell long enough. You have a chance to have something really special here, and I’m not about to let you fuck it up.”
I groaned, rolling my head to the side. “Jace, I don’t know what I’m doing. All my instincts are telling me to protect myself, but then I get within five feet of his electric fucking eyes, and I’m lost in him.”
“As you should be.” He relaxed back on the couch, and I wanted to punch him in the face.
“I really hate you sometimes. Can’t you just pretend to understand? What the hell did I even call you over here for?” I started to get up when he shot forward, pressing down on my shoulders and lowering me back down.
His eyes were stern, making me feel like a five-year-old being scolded. “You know exactly what you called me over here for. To talk you out of making the biggest mistake of your life. At least part of you is smart enough to know you’re doing the right thing. Somewhere in there is a rational girl who called me here to talk you down from a ledge. Where’s that girl? I want to speak to her. I don’t like this one.” He looked around as if he was searching the room for something.
Sarcastic mother . . .
I raised my chin in defiance. “That’s not true.”
“Oh, it’s not?” He raised an eyebrow.