I’d learned a few things about Dana since meeting her. First and foremost, she was head over heels in love with Dodger Brooks. She’d do just about anything to dig her claws into him. I’d asked him several times during our time together if he’d ever been with her and he’d said no, never. He said she wasn’t his type. I could see that. Dana wasn’t very tall. She had blonde hair that was cut short, and one side was shaved. She kept the longer hair brushed over to the side, showing off a tattoo behind her ear. Dana actually had tattoos all over her body. From a colorful sleeve full of nautical themed markings, to a skull candy on her upper thigh. Dana was the epitome of edgy. Dodger never struck me as the type to be attracted to girls that painted themselves that way. Sure, I was loud and demanded that eyes be on me, but she did it in a different fashion.
Now it seemed the tables were turned. Sitting outside the gym like a stalker, I watched on as they interacted with one another. He’d speak to someone as they passed by, and she would as well. I scrutinized her every move. The way she leaned into him a little closer. Or how she’d bat her false lashes. When she’d laugh at something he’d say, she would lay her hand on top of his forearm. I gritted my teeth to clinch back my natural instinct to go in there and slam her face into the desk. She shouldn’t be touching him. In fact, no one should be. Fuck being jealous. I’d blame this on the pregnancy hormones if anyone asked. I felt like a crazy person sitting here. Thankfully, it was fairly dark out and if either one glanced outside, they wouldn’t see me.
“He’s not yours anymore, Macie.” Jesus, if anybody knew the emotions rolling through me. I felt like someone with multiple personality disorder. None of this made any sense to me. I shouldn’t want him. I let him go that night. He said he wanted me, and I let him walk right out that door of his parents’ pool house without a word. Yet, here I sit, not wanting anyone else to have him. Especially not “waste of space” Dana.
Sighing heavily, I resigned myself to the fact that any and all plans to go in and speak to Dodger went out the window. I had been ready to tell him everything, no matter the consequences, but I was nowhere near ready to deal with Dana on top of everything else today. Even if she didn’t say a word to me, just her fucking face was enough to make me lose my cool right now. I was tired. My shoulders drooped. Was this conversation ever going to happen? I couldn’t say if my courage or strength would be hanging around.
“Home I go,” I grumbled to myself.
Pausing for a few more seconds to watch, I eventually put the car in drive and headed out. This decision very well may be mine and mine alone.
It was decision time. I had no more hours on the clock. I thought about everything with every waking minute. How could I not. It consumed me. I felt like the entire weight of the world was on my shoulders. An angel, and a devil. Both sides screaming to pick them.
I didn’t like that it was, but I was the one that put myself in this predicament. Okay, I realize that it takes two to tango, but I knew better. I knew what it took to prevent any of this, and I was stupid living in the moment. I needed to be an adult about the choices that I made and start working on figuring out who I was, and what kind of life I wanted to live. Which ultimately, is where I’m sitting now. Several days, a few pints of ice cream, a few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, and one day called in sick later, my mind was made up.
I was keeping it. What it boiled down to was, I had a life inside of me. It had a heartbeat. It had little limbs. It was a part of me, and whether I wanted to admit it or not, it was a part of him as well. So inadvertently, I loved it already. This baby was going to turn my life upside down and I knew I was definitely prepared for that, but it was time to get ready. I had no choice. Ready or not, motherhood, here I come. I was so going to suck at this, but I didn’t care. I had to try.
The moment I made the final decision, I knew I needed to let someone know. Keeping a pregnancy secret was already hard. But not telling a soul by this point was more than I could take. The most supportive person I knew in this world was my best friend, and I knew Keegan would want to know. She would stand beside me and not judge me. I decided to text her.
Me: Hey u busy this evening
Keeg: I’m just stopping at store to get some things. What’s up
Me: Can u come over a little before? Something I need to talk about
Keeg: Everything ok
Me: Yeah. Explain when you’re here.
Keeg: K
I set my phone down on my bed next to me and exhaled. Okay, that was done. No backing out. I played chicken and lost the other day wanting to tell Dodger. I wasn’t going to do that tonight. I knew I’d feel a thousand times better confiding in someone so I might as well let it all out there.
I was standing in my parents’ kitchen pondering what I should do for the next hour until Keegan was here. I munched on some slices of pineapple, which oddly I couldn’t stand the smell of last week.
I wasn’t in the mood to watch television. I could definitely go for a nap, but that wasn’t because of the baby. I always felt like I needed to sleep. Heading in to the living room to wait, I plopped down on the oversized couch that I swear was the best napping couch on earth, and sleep dragged me under.
The doorbell rang, causing me to wake in a groggy state of confusion. Where in the hell was I? Oh shit, Keegan was here. Wiping my tired eyes, I slung my legs over the side and stood up. Walking to the door, I was mentally trying wake myself up and prepare for the conversation I was about to have. Please, God, let this go well.
Opening the door, a very bright eyed and bushy tailed Keegan stood with two cups of Starbucks in hand and a smile on her face. She was like a state of perfection, while I stood with my hair a huge mess, no make-up on, I was certain I had dark circles under my eyes.
“Well, hello, Sunshine. You just wake up?”
I grunted and took a cup out of her hand. Bringing it to my lips, I let the heat sting my tongue and the warmth coat my dry throat. “Oh, that’s good.”
Keegan took a step inside and reached up, picking up a lock of my dark brown hair. Her face was a mix of confusion and disgust. “Honey, when was the last time that you showered?”
“This morn—” I cut myself off. Actually, I needed to think about it. It wasn’t this morning, it was yesterday morning before I left for work. No wait. It was the day before that because I recall asking my mom to bring me a towel that I’d forgot in the hall closet. I scowled, looking at the cup. “Two days ago.”
She giggled. “I can tell. Since when are you this lax? I don’t think I’ve ever known you to not put hygiene above all else.”
She was right. My appearance was everything, but I’ve been so tired lately. Work was all I could handle these days. I went to the hospital, and came home and passed out, only to get up and do it all over again the next day. If I had a day off, I spent it in bed. Hey, it kept the morning sickness away.
Needing to change the subject, I turned and walked into the living room expecting her to follow. “Hush. I recall a few weeks ago you were quite the mess yourself.”
“That’s ‘cause I was trying to see if I could make my hair healthier by using dry shampoo and not washing it every day. This is dark circles under your eyes and baby birds living in your hair.” She plopped down on the couch, peering up at me with concern. “Something has been going on, now spill.”
“What makes you say something is going on?”