“I will, promise.”
As soon as Keegan stepped out and the room was empty, I dropped my head to my chest. This was going to be a brutally long day. Morning sickness, Dodger, Keegan, and everything else I couldn’t even think about right now was going to be sitting on my shoulders like an unfriendly burden. I needed to figure some shit out. Starting with my options.
Twelve hours lasted a hell of a lot longer than one would think when you were dead on your feet even prior to starting your shift. I assisted in six labors and four deliveries, on top of charting everything that went on during the day. My job was demanding, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. At least I stayed busy and didn’t have much time to dwell on what I was about to do.
Taking the elevator to the fourth floor, it dinged to let me know I had arrived. Stepping off, there were rows of closed doors and a long empty hallway. This floor was designated for the doctor’s private offices. An hour into my shift, I pulled aside Doctor Carrie and asked him if he had time to talk. He told me he’d be around when I was ready. It was well past a normal hospital working hours. The windows to the outside were dark, indicating the sun had gone down. Only the physicians that were likely still with their patients were left wrapping up their days. I walked to the third door down and gave a light knock.
“Come in.”
Opening the door, Dr. Carrie as sitting directly across from me with his nose buried in a stack of paperwork. No wonder you couldn’t read their handwriting half of the time. If I had this much shit to go through, penmanship would be the last thing on my mind. Glancing around the room before stepping inside, there wasn’t much to see. He clearly wasn’t a fan of personalization. No photos lined his desk. No plaques or diplomas adorned the walls. It was a blank slate, as if waiting for the real doctor to move in and claim the space.
Just then Dr. Carrie looked up at me. “Macie, glad you found me. Have a seat.”
“Thank you.”
I hadn’t expected this to feel like such a formal meeting but whatever. There was a black leather sofa off the side that I gently scooted back into.
Setting his pen down, and slipping his glasses off his long pointy nose, all of the good doctor’s attention was directed at me.
“What was it that you needed to speak to me about?”
I gulped. Did I just blurt it out, or did I beat around the bush? The second option seemed stupid considering who I was talking to and what I needed to know.
“I suppose I’ll just come out with it.” I paused, only for a moment. “I’m pregnant.”
The smile that lit up his face was fleeting. You see, this was why I sought out this particular doctor to talk too. He was kind, patient, and always willing to teach. Most doctors have been on the job for so long that it becomes second nature to them. They don’t realize they are being brash and short with their words. They save the bedside manners for their patients. Well, at least most of them. Doctor Carrie was a newer physician. He was brought on when Doctor Miles retired last year. He quickly became my favorite and made my job enjoyable. He was younger than most of the other physicians, probably in his late thirties. He was single, and definitely not from around here. The long hours had aged him a bit, with dark under-eye circles and lines in the corners of his eyes that weren’t from laughing. But he had a gentleness to him. He loved his job, and he was kind to the nurses.
“Based on how you’re looking, I’m guessing this isn’t a happy occasion?”
I curled in on myself, slightly ashamed. “No, not exactly.”
“I see. What exactly did this discussion call for?”
“I need to know my options.”
He was processing my words. “Macie, you’ve been to nursing school. You are just as educated in what your options are as I am.”
I realized this, but I think I needed to physically hear someone tell them to me. The thing is, that positive pregnancy test caused all my smart brain cells to suddenly go up in smoke, and I went totally stupid. No amount of reading my school books, or internet searching would sink in what I know I already knew. And maybe I just needed to tell someone. I’d known for over a week now, and this secret was building inside of me.
“I know.” I dropped my head. “I just . . . could you go over them with me? I need to be certain.”
“Of course.”
“Thanks.”
“Do you know how far along you are?”
I shook my head. “I think I’m nine weeks, but my cycle was kind of off.”
“Okay, I’m assuming you know who the father is?”
I tipped my head once.
“At nine weeks, all sorts of things are happening in your body. Your blood flow has already increased, there’s a heartbeat that can be detected on ultrasound, and the fetus is growing at a rapid pace. Are you taking a prenatal vitamin?”
“No.”
“How come?”
“I just haven’t.” I know that wasn’t an answer, but I was having trouble saying much of anything else.
“A prenatal vitamin needs to be started as soon as possible. You’re still in your first trimester and a lot is up in the air right now. If you are in fact nine weeks, you will be due for your first doctor’s appointment where labs will need to be drawn, gestation needs to be determined, and an assessment of your overall health.” He reached down beside him and pulled open one of his drawers. Rustling around for a few seconds he pulled out what he was looking for. “I wasn’t accepting any new patients, but I’d be glad to see you, if you are still looking for a doctor.”
I knew all of what he was saying. I really did. Again, I just needed to hear it. But he was missing something. He wasn’t telling me all of my options. He was telling me the ones that would mean keeping the baby. I wanted to know, the other ones. The ones that would mean I’d be free of this, and I could move on and forget it ever happened.
Who was I kidding? I’d never forget about this
“And if I chose to go the other way?”
He lifted his head and slightly squinted at me. “You mean termination?”
“Yes.”
Dr. Carrie exhaled. “It’s still a viable option. You have a small window where you can take pill, before your tenth week. Shortly after, you could expect some cramping followed by period like symptoms including bleeding. If you go past the tenth week, you’d need to come in for a D&C. You’d be given an IV with some mild sedation. A vacuum would be used to take care of the fetus.”
My body started to quiver. I felt like my face was green, and I wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom and throw up. “So I have a week to decide if this is what I want to do before it becomes more medically invasive?”
“Yes. But, Macie, I have to ask, does the father know? What does he want? Other options are still out there, such as adoption.”