Mimicking my soul.
A separate small square picture caught my eye. I got up, my feet moving on their own accord toward the shattered frame on the wooden floor. I pushed away the broken glass holding up a black and white picture.
It was then I understood.
It was then I realized.
A sense of calm instantly came over me.
I held my entire future in the palm of my hand.
<>Briggs<>
I felt as lost as I did back before Austin came into my life. I almost found myself driving to the Brooklyn Bridge to seek solace, clarity or something, anything but the pain and sadness that had taken over and made itself home in my heart. Instead I just drove around aimlessly, hiding underneath the hoodie of my sweatshirt, leaning my head against the window. I was locked away in my own thoughts, my mind held captive by the feelings and emotions that were spilling out of my soul.
Out of the little voice in the back my head.
The one I had been trying to ignore for the last four years. The one that wouldn’t fucking go away no matter what I did or told myself.
I was a prisoner to the memories of the man that made me fall in love with him. The one that protected me, made me laugh, made me smile.
My friend.
My everything.
No longer the carefree girl that lived and thrived with all of her heart. That smiled and laughed all the time. The girl that was alive and not dead inside.
I no longer felt whole, complete, or safe.
I didn’t want those memories to be just a time in my life where I lived in a fantasy because now...
Now this was my reality.
I hated that feeling more than anything.
Loving Austin had always consumed my every thought, my every desire, my every want and need. None of that changed, it was just in a very different way now. Ways that I barely understood, ways that scared the hell out of me and made me feel alone and lost. I was beginning to hate life again, and I had no one to blame but myself. I let him in, I let him love me, and I also let him destroy my heart. I didn’t know how to find my way without him. He was the reason I found it in the first place.
It physically pained me to watch the emotional detachment of everything I said to him. All the facts within the lies he was telling himself. Like time got lost for him. The days. The months.
The years.
As if the drugs had taken control of his very being. Including his heart.
My Austin disappeared more and more as time went on.
I couldn’t find him through the haze. Not yesterday. Not today. I could only pray for tomorrow. A new day may bring back the old Austin. All I had left was wishful thinking.
I parked my car in the parking garage, noticing that his hadn’t moved from the spot he left it. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about what I would be walking into. Which Austin would be there… the good or the bad?
The one I loved with all of my heart. The one I still saw behind all the lies.
Or the addict that I loved though wanted to hate. The addict I just wanted to save.
I opened the door and was immediately assaulted with a fresh clean scent. I peered around the open space with wide eyes and a confused expression. The apartment was spotless, not a thing out of place. The bed was nicely made, complete with the throw pillows Austin hated.
What shocked me more than anything was there were no drugs in sight. All the usual places cleared off and wiped down. My hand went to my mouth in complete and utter shock. This must have taken him forever.
How long was I lost for?
I continued to take in what appeared to be a dream before settling my gaze on Austin, who was dressed in black slacks and a blue, collared button-down shirt. His sleeves rolled up, showing off his tattoos.
But it was his eyes that caught my immediate attention.
They were bright blue again. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw that color. No longer tainted by the dark, dilated glare.
By the haze.
By the drugs.
My heart instantly leapt out of my chest, profusely pounding against my ribs. Crippling me as I made my way over to him.
There were candles lit on the dining table, trays of covered food waiting to be eaten with champagne chilling in a bucket of ice.
“What’s all this?” I asked, taken aback. My hand now placed over my heart, trying to hold it together.
He stood, rounding the corner of the table, stopping with only a few inches of space between us.
I smiled. I couldn’t help it. He looked like everything I ever wanted. Breaking through my resolve and hatred.
Austin.