“Austin, please don’t do this. Please, don’t lose yourself again.” she begged as I opened the door, walking out of the apartment, not bothering to shut it.
I wanted her to watch me walk out of her life. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but a part of me wanted to hurt her as much as she just hurt me.
I drove around New York City for I don’t know how long. Time just seemed to standstill as the pain in my heart took over. There wasn’t one ounce of my body that didn’t yearn. That didn’t feel like it was dying. I had never felt so empty and hollow in all my life. But the underlying demons were waiting, always my companions, always sitting right next to me, waiting for the emotional devastation to take over.
So they could come out and play.
I blinked and I was sitting on Jon’s couch, snorting line after fucking line. Trying to forget, trying to go numb, trying to block out the last twenty-four hours. But it wasn’t working. The pain was still alive and bleeding out of me, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake.
“You want to forget, bro?” Jon asked, sensing my distress.
My bloodshot eyes settled on the needle in his hand and then back up to his face. He was tightening the belt around my upper arm before I could even answer. Telling me to make a fist.
I did.
The second I felt the needle poke through my skin, I watched my despair fill the syringe with blood. And then… Jon pushed down the plunger.
I kissed goodbye our baby.
I kissed goodbye Briggs.
I kissed goodbye Austin.
Leaning my head back against the couch, letting the crave take over.
The worst part was that I just kissed goodbye my future and everything I believed in.
<>Briggs<>
I went to the storage unit. Austin had left the key for me if I ever wanted to go there. I did. For the first time I came face to face with all my parents’ belongings. Trying to seek comfort and guidance. There was none to be found there. I decided to stop at a church on the way to the clinic, needing some sort of peace of mind. I’d never been in a church before, too afraid that all my sins would make the roof cave in on me. I didn’t even know if I was Catholic. At that point I didn’t care and it didn’t matter. I dipped one finger into the cold holy water, hoping it wouldn’t burn me and made the sign of the cross, like I’d seen in movies. One foot in front of the other, I walked toward the first pew of the empty cathedral, right before God. A man I didn’t even believe existed until that very second as I made my way into his house. The echo from my feet mimicked the sound of my heart beating against my ribs.
I got down on my knees, crying, and praying for forgiveness for what I was about to do.
“Please God… Please forgive me,” I pleaded with every last fiber of my being. “Please grant me forgiveness… I have no other choice… Please you have to believe me, just please show me some mercy. Please guide me.”
I sat there pleading with someone I wasn’t sure existed, but I had to try and believe. Try to make this right, when all of it was so wrong. I don’t know how long I was there on my knees waiting for I don’t know what.
A sign?
I got to my feet, looking at Jesus on the cross and whispered, “I’m so sorry.”
Before turning to leave.
I cruised through the streets of New York fighting the urge to drive back home, tears still streaming down my face. I turned around several times and headed to my safe place, trying to block out the girl’s voice on the GPS telling me I was going the wrong way. But she was right. Home was the wrong way and I had to stop running.
I pulled up to the clinic just after one and sat there looking at the sign through blurred eyes. My thoughts raging a war in my head. I closed my eyes, leaning my head on the cool steering wheel, trying to catch my breath. Breathing in and out. Telling myself that this was the right decision, pleading for my mind to console my heart.
Before I knew it, I was out of the car and walking in. The door binged as I opened it, startling me out of my hazy state. I walked up to the receptionist, gave her my name and was told to take a seat.
I sat in the lobby of the doctor’s office, waiting for my name to be called. It broke my heart to see all the women awaiting the same fate.
Words couldn’t describe the emotions coursing through my body, the turmoil and doubt that had taken residence inside of me. The last two weeks weren’t like anything I had ever experienced before. I would hate myself for the rest of my life for going through with this. But I would hate myself even more, if Heaven forbid, something happened to me and my child would be left to an addict and the god of organized crime.
As each patient was called back, my heart sped up more and more. Another piece of me dying little by little. I knew it would be my turn soon and as much as I wanted to get this over with, I was also terrified. My legs were bouncing nervously, the anticipation killing me. I got out of my seat to grab another magazine that I was blankly looking through.