I didn’t want her to leave me. I wanted to take her in my arms and never let her go.
“Come on, Austin, don’t do this to me!” Briggs yelled from above me, clapping her hands in my face.
Slapping my cheeks.
Shaking my body.
“Daddy, I love you. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.”
I reached for her again when she appeared right next to me. She didn’t leave me that time. For the first time since I started seeing her a year ago after the night I started my own demise. She let me hold her. I held her so fucking tight. I felt her soft baby skin against my arms. The smell of her baby scent surrounded me. I wanted to tell her I loved her, I loved her more than anything but my mouth wouldn’t move.
I couldn’t get it to fucking move.
“I know, Daddy. I love you, too,” she said as if she read my mind. “But it’s not your time yet. Mommy needs you now. Okay? So you need to wake up now. Do it for me, Daddy. Wake up for me…”
Her last words faded into the distance and she was gone. Torn out of my grasp.
I screamed, “NO!”
Over and over again but no sound came out.
My lips were moving to no avail.
“No, baby, don’t leave me again. No, no, no, come back to me, baby girl. I’ll change. I swear I’ll change. Just come back to me. I don’t want to live in a world without my baby. God, fucking take me now. I’ve been punished enough. I’m so fucking sorry…”
“AUSTIN! Please don’t do this to me! Wake up!” Briggs screamed.
I slightly opened my eyes, the light blinding me immediately. My baby girl was gone. But the same pair of bright blue eyes were now staring down at me.
“Babe, what the fuck?” I groaned out, my mouth dry as fuck.
“Oh my God! You stopped breathing! You fucking stopped breathing!” she shouted too close to my face.
Almost to the point of hysterics.
“What? No… I just closed my eyes for a second. I must have fallen asleep. Where is she?” I whispered, my throat burned.
“Are you fucking kidding me? I went to take a shower and when I came out, you weren’t fucking breathing, Austin! What did you take? What the fuck did you take? And who the hell are you talking about?”
I shook my head, squeezing my temples.
“Baby, my head is pounding, please stop screaming. I’m fine, okay? Look.” I opened my eyes, blinking away the fogginess to focus on her face. “See. I’m fine,” I repeated, closing my eyes again, unable to see her clearly.
Hoping she would come back.
My daughter.
Our baby girl.
“Jesus Christ, Austin. I think you just OD’ed. What if I hadn’t been here? What if—”
“Briggs, I didn’t OD. Stop. I’m fine. I must have fallen into a deep sleep or something,” I reasoned, rubbing her leg as she sat next to me on the bed. “Relax,” I coaxed.
“A deep sleep where you stop fucking breathing? Really? What the fuck kind of sleep is that?”
“Oh my God, Briggs! Fuck! Cut this bullshit. I’m fucking fine. I’m breathing. I’m awake. My head is fucking pounding, so please just leave me alone.” I rolled away from her.
I knew she was glaring at me even though my eyes were closed. She was overreacting. I was fine. I didn’t do anymore dope than I usually did. I just wanted to go to sleep.
Our relationship had become strained over the last year or so. I was barely working anymore. Just disappearing more often than not. I didn’t know how hours turned into days, shit blended together more frequently. I loved Briggs but I couldn’t forgive her for what she had done, as much as I wanted to forget, as much as I tried to, and yet I couldn’t let her go. Feeling miserable with her was better than enduring life without her.
“Baby, come here. I’m sorry. I’m just tired. Okay? I’m sorry… come here. I love you. Where’s my girl? Come here,” I coaxed, pulling her into my arms.
She came effortlessly, she always did. It was like we both needed it, I needed to hold her as much as she needed to be held.
I rolled to my side, tucking her against my body, pulling her in tight so we were one. She curled up in the nook of my arm, her face pressed against her favorite scar near my heart. I felt her softly kiss it as I kissed the top of her head.
“I love you, Briggs. I love you more than anything. I would never intentionally hurt you. Tell me you know that.”
I held her closer, tighter, wrapping her up with my legs, not just my arms. Coming in and out of consciousness, I was still so fucking tired, so fucking out of it. I thought I felt her crying or maybe I heard her, fuck… maybe I was imagining that too.
I couldn’t tell the difference from reality or a dream anymore.
“You’re my girl. You’ll always be my girl. No matter what,” I softly murmured, letting sleep and darkness take over.