“I’m done having you punish me. The burden I’m already carrying is more than I will ever be able to bear. Ever,” I stated, accenting the last word. “I love you, Austin, but I can't watch you kill yourself. It’s the drugs or it’s me. You can’t have both anymore. It’s your choice. Your only choice. But if you don’t choose me, then fucking jump off this ledge because all you’re doing is prolonging the inevitable.”
It literally killed me to say that to him. I stood there on pins and needles, waiting for my entire life that was standing before my eyes, to choose me.
To choose his girl.
His Heaven instead of his Hell.
His internal struggle was written clear across his tormented expression. He swallowed hard turning to walk over to the railing, and for a split second I thought I was going to watch the love of my life jump to his fate. His hands tightly gripped the wires as if they had all the answers for him.
“You don’t fucking get it, Daisy. It’s the only time I see her,” he rasped.
He hadn’t called me that since he learned the truth of what I did. My heart soared for the first time in a year.
“See who, Austin?”
“Our baby.”
“What are—”
“When I found out… that night…” he stuttered, not being able to say it. “I saw her. Through the haze. She was there. She has your eyes, Briggs. Your dad’s eyes. The only time I see her is when I stick a needle in my arm,” he scoffed out.
“Oh my God,” I breathed out.
He bowed his head, releasing a deep sigh. “I’m scared, baby. I’m so fucking scared,” he confessed, looking at the traffic below us.
I immediately went to him, turning his body around to face me. Grabbing the sides of his face so he would look at me, like he had done so many times to me.
“I don’t know how to not be high anymore. It’s who I am now, Daisy. I don’t want to stop seeing our baby girl either.”
“I’ll be there every step of the way. We will do this together. I promise I won’t leave your side.”
“When I’m high I get to see the life we could have had. The life I promised you. It’s the only time I’m happy. It’s the only time I don’t feel the guilt over everything that’s become of us. Everything I’ve done. The hurt and pain I’ve caused you.”
“I know. I’m scared too, Austin. But I know in my heart.” I placed my hand over the scar near his heart. “I know you’re still in here. Buried deep within the pain that you keep masking with the drugs. The excuses you’re making to continue on your downward spiral, that’s only going to lead you nowhere but six feet under. I don’t want that. Please… don’t make me bury someone else I love. Please… don’t leave me alone. I need…” I said, my voice breaking. “We can make that dream a reality without the drugs… We can still have that life.”
“What if I’m not that person anymore? What if the man that you love so fucking much is gone, baby? What if I can’t reach deep enough to find him anymore?”
“I love every single part of you. The good and the bad. Do you hear me?”
“I’m sorry, Daisy. I know I say it all the fucking time. But I’m so fucking sorry. For everything I have put you through. You’re still the only thing that matters to me.”
“No. I’m not. Your drugs are, but that’s why I brought you here. To save you.”
“I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done to us. To you. To our love. I hate that I made you feel like you didn’t have a choice when you got pregnant. Having a baby, a family, a life with you… it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t know how I lost my way. I don’t know how the drugs took over. I ask myself that every single day with no answers, with no excuses. I have nothing but the syringe that I keep injecting into my arms. Chasing the dragon down the rabbit hole that only takes me further and further away from you. It just takes away the pain.”
“Austin, I can’t help you unless you want to be helped. I can’t do this for you.”
“I can’t lose you. I’m nothing without you.” He caressed the side of my cheek, and I leaned into his embrace.
Soaking up his warmth.
His love.
His truth.
That I hadn’t felt in so long.
“I don’t want to go to rehab. I just need you. That’s all. I can do this at home with you by my side.”
I nodded, smiling.
He caught my expression in the air and placed it near his heart. He hadn’t done that in years.
And for the first time, it gave me hope that everything was going to be okay.
Chapter 30
<>Briggs<>
“Please… please… please… baby… just give me one hit to take the edge off… just one fucking hit… I’m dying, Briggs… I feel like I’m fucking dying…” Austin wailed.
Two days went by, but it felt more like an eternity. I hated seeing him in so much pain. The withdrawals crippling him in ways I never thought were possible.
“Baby… just let me have a taste… just a taste… it hurts… it fucking hurts…” he slurred, grinding his teeth and shaking to the core.