She looked back over the edge and I swear to God I was ready to tackle her to the goddamn ground if she tried to step on the railing again. Instead, she peered back at me with a penetrating glare that resonated deep within my bones.
“What is going on in that beautiful mind of yours?” I asked, needing to know before she hurt herself.
She slowly stepped back and I quickly stepped forward, gripping onto her waist, tugging her toward me. Our faces were now a foot apart. I could feel her rapid heart beating against my chest, vibrating against my entire body.
Shaking me to my core.
She looked deep into my eyes and asked, “You want to die, Austin?”
My eyes widened in shock. Hers filled up with fresh tears as she continued, “Well then, here’s your chance. Jump. Stand on the ledge and fucking jump.”
She shook her head. Tears now falling down her devastated face.
“I won’t stop you,” she added.
I jerked back from the impact of her words, from what she was saying to me.
Letting her go.
She didn’t falter, stepping toward.
Roaring with execution, “Fucking jump, Austin, if you want to die. Because I can’t watch you kill yourself slowly anymore.”
<>Briggs<>
We stood on the bridge staring at each other for a second, possibly a few minutes, maybe several hours. Time seemed to blend together as much as his drugs did.
I was the first to break the silence.
“Austin, I'm fucking exhausted. You have no idea what I go through every single day in this life with you. I don’t remember when I had a good night’s sleep. You disappear for days at a time. I don’t know whether you’re alive or dead in an alley somewhere. Every bad thought runs through my head. I question everything. Especially, what the fuck I’m still doing here trying to save a man that obviously doesn’t want to be saved. I sit here putting my life on hold, waiting for you to walk through that damn door or worse, the cops knocking to tell me you’re dead,” I paused to let my words sink in.
“But you know what I keep telling myself… the man that’s standing in front of me right now is already dead, so why should I fucking worry myself sick.”
“Briggs—”
“I’m tired of you punishing me, Austin, for making the only choice I could.”
“I would have straightened out if you would have given me the chance. You saw me after I found the ultrasound photo. I would have stopped using the moment you told me. I would have been the man that you fell in love with. I would have—”
“For how long, Austin? How long until things got scary and you found solace in your drugs again?”
His eyes glazed over, understanding what I said.
“And what if I died, Austin? It happens everyday, all around us. What if something happened to me? Would you relapse or would you stay clean for our baby? Would you be the man that takes our child to a drug party? Huh? Leaving him or her at a table to fend for herself? Tell me, since you have clearly proven that you can’t handle emotional distress. You numb—”
“That’s not true,” he said through a clenched jaw.
“Really? What part? What happened after you found out about what I did? Is that not enough proof for you? You ran straight for the drugs, only this time it was the worst kind. How about Savannah’s funeral? How fucked up were you for that? Hmm? Want more? How about since your car accident?”
“I was taking pain pills for my back,” he gritted out.
I scoffed, “Ten to what? Thirty a day? How many do you have to take for your back not to hurt, Austin?”
His eyes widened, taken aback.
“You’ve been numbing your pain since you were eighteen. It’s been ten years. Ten fucking years, Austin! It’s all that you know anymore. Now, tell me… how would you deal with something happening to me? What is the first thing you would do? What is the first thing you would turn to?”
He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Not one word. He reached his hand up to rub the back of his neck, looking away from me.
“Exactly. Let me see how accurately my guess is. I think you’d let our kid stay with my uncle when you decided you needed to go on a binge. He’d be the perfect babysitter, seeing as you don’t talk to your friends or family at all. Or you’d skip the babysitter all together and be like Molly’s dad. Subjecting our child to drugs. You’re still dealing. Working for my uncle. Not as much because you’ve become a goddamn junkie. The life you promised me, the reason that you started doing this in the first place… is long gone. So, you tell me? What fucking choice did I have?”
His chest was rising and falling with every word that left my mouth, battling against his own reality. The wind picked up at that moment, causing chills to run throughout my body.