I dreamt all night of bright blue eyes, of our baby, of Briggs. Being happy, laughing, her smiling beautiful face as she held our daughter.
Holding onto the illusion that it was real, that it wasn’t just a dream. That was the best part of my day, when I was high, lost in the fog where my mind would play tricks, showing me the life I wanted. The life I could have had. The one I promised Briggs. It was the only time I was happy. The only time I felt whole, the only time I was sober.
The dreams in which I was a father, Briggs was my wife, we had a family…
Those were the best dreams I ever had.
I wasn’t spinning out of control, fading in and out of love again, broken beyond repair.
I inhaled the smell of Briggs as I fell deeper into the spaces in between my drug-induced slumber and dreams. Feeling her run through my veins, my bloodstream, mixing with the demons that had taken over my body. She was floating inside me, etched so far into my soul.
I woke up the next morning, immediately reaching for Briggs, patting the empty space beside me. She wasn’t there and my heart dropped, panic set in. My eyes instantly opened, sitting up looking for her.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her, sitting on the couch watching me.
Our eyes locked.
She looked like she hadn’t slept all night. Her memory blanket wrapped securely around her shoulders, her knees pressed against her chest with her arms wrapped tightly around them. Holding the blanket in place, like she was barricading herself in to feel safe.
She looked so tiny.
So scared.
Her eyes were bloodshot red, tears streaming down her face. Like she hadn’t stopped crying all night.
“Baby… come here—”
She shook her head slowly, not breaking our eye contact.
“You almost died last night. You OD’ed, Austin.”
“I didn’t OD—”
“How would you know? You were practically dead. You stopped fucking breathing.”
“Briggs, stop. I’m fine. Look.” I lifted my hands in the air. “I’m alive. Nothing happened,” I reasoned with her, pulling the covers off of me.
Her eyes widened with a crazed expression I’d never seen before. I got out of bed, walking over to her.
She put her hands out in the air stopping me. “Get dressed.”
I cocked my head to the side. “What?”
“Get dressed, Austin. I’ll be waiting in the car.”
With that she got up and left. It was almost as if she needed to leave or else she wouldn’t go through with what the hell she was thinking.
“The fuck?” I said out loud as I watched her walk out the door.
It wasn’t like I could have gone after her. I was in my damn boxers.
My head was still fucking throbbing. No matter how many times I rolled my head around, popping my neck, it still fucking hurt. I made my way into the bathroom. Taking down four Oxys to help with the splitting pain. I threw on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. Grabbing a Red Bull from the fridge on my way out the door.
She was sitting in the driver seat, staring blankly out in front of her. Lost in thought. Not even acknowledging me as I got in the car. I lit up a cigarette and downed the drink in my hands in one gulp. I was finally starting to feel somewhat fucking normal.
The pills were finally kicking in.
“Baby, where are—”
She reached for my hand, holding it tightly in her grasp before placing it on her lap. As if she needed to feel my touch.
My warmth.
I’d never seen her like that. She was starting to scare me. I wanted to talk to her, to ask what was going on, but something told me she wouldn’t have answered. There was no getting through to her. She had fallen down a hole that I had never been down before.
I chain-smoked the entire drive to God knows where. When she got off at the Brooklyn Bridge exit, I really didn’t know where the fuck we were going. She parked the car on the side of the road once we hit the bridge. Swinging her door open and getting out of the car before I even said a word.
I followed close behind her as we walked up the pathway. She stopped when we reached the arches and it hit me. I had passed this bridge hundreds of times and never noticed what those arches symbolized. But seeing Briggs stand under them, it was the first fucking time I saw the angel wings within the arches above her head, mimicking the angel wings on her back.
“Baby, what the fuck is—”
Her intense glare over the edge of the railing made me stop talking. I watched with a captivated stare, wanting to know what the hell she was thinking. What the hell was going on in her mind…
I watched in horror as she stepped up onto the railing. I lunged into action, roughly grabbing her around the waist, spinning her to the ground in front of me.
I immediately pulled away needing to look at her.
“What the fuck are you doing? Are you on—”
She pushed me away from her. I stumbled back more from the unexpected shove than the force of her moving me.