“Stop saying that,” she gritted out.
“Stop saying what? The truth? What would you like me to stop saying? Because trust me, baby. I’m not even close to saying what I really fucking want right now.”
“You want to talk about truths. How about this one? My parents died. Were killed in a car accident. Were taken away from me in the blink of an eye, and I had no control over it. Not one. Who took me in, Austin? Who raised me? In this life. In this godforsaken life! That little girl, Molly … her mom died too. You know who she was here with? You know who brought her to your party? Sat her down at a table full of drugs with junkies all around. Leaving her to fend for her goddamn self! HER FATHER! And you know who let it happen? YOU! Why? Because you were too fucked up to even care. That’s why! That’s fucking selfish! I would never be able to live with myself knowing that if anything were to happen to me, my child would be raised in this life by you! Or by my uncle! Do you understand me?” she paused to let her words sink in, raking me up and down with a look of disgust.
“That’s why I did it. And it almost fucking killed me. I fucking hate myself for it. But where have you been, Austin? Because the man I fell in love with would have known that something was wrong with me! The second I walked through the fucking door. You would still be oblivious to my pain had you not found the ultrasound picture that I placed behind that picture. That picture is not us anymore, we are not that couple anymore. I’ve been living in hell, mourning the life I took away for six goddamn weeks, Austin, while you’ve been lost in your hazed world.”
I took in everything she was saying.
Every. Last. Word.
“You say you don’t know me, Briggs. That I’m not the same man you fell in love with. Well, then, baby, that fucking makes two of us. I have no idea who you are either because the woman I love would have never killed our baby. I may be an addict, but at least I’m not a murderer,” I viciously spewed, regretting it immediately.
Words could cut you open like knives, and I knew I just sliced away a huge part of her heart with what I said. I couldn’t take it back. As much as I wanted to, the damage was already done. I knew she would never forget my words, but I prayed to God that one day she would forgive them.
Her hand was up in the air before I got the last word out. I caught it mid-air, tugging her toward me. She tried to break free, roughly pulling her arm away from my grasp. I grabbed her other arm, the momentum of her trying to fight me off made me unintentionally slam her against the wall.
She winced but didn’t stop struggling.
“Get the fuck out! Leave!” she yelled, whipping around.
“Stop!” I argued. “Fucking stop! I don’t want to hurt you! Calm down! Calm the fuck down!” I ordered through a clenched jaw, trying to control her thrashing body.
She slowly gave up, panting profusely. Her chest rising and falling with each second that passed between us. I leaned forward, our lips almost touching.
“Why, Briggs? Why didn’t you fucking tell me? Why didn’t you give me a choice in the matter? It was my baby, too. I should have had a say. Why didn’t you give me that right? Why did you take that away from me?” I asked, needing to know.
She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
“As much as it kills me to have said all those things to you, I won’t apologize for it, because at the end of the day our baby is gone. No excuses will take away the fact that you didn’t have the common decency to tell me. You made the decision for both of us. Like I didn’t even matter. Were you ever planning on telling me?”
Her breathing hitched. By the look on her face, the answer was no.
I peered deep into her eyes and breathed out, “You just killed a part of me that you will NEVER get back. That I will never get back.”
I let her go, stepping away from her.
She swallowed hard, her eyes watering, her lips quivering as if she knew what I just said was true. For the first time I didn’t want to comfort her, to hold her, tell her she was my girl, and that I loved her. Because for the first time…
I was staring at a stranger and not the woman that I knew and loved. I finally understood what she meant when she said she didn’t know me. For years she kept saying that I had changed, that I had become another person, which only made me hate myself more because I knew I brought this on myself. I was the reason that she felt like she had no other choice. No other decision to be made.
I. Did. This.
That realization was my rock bottom...
Or so I thought.
“Austin…” she coaxed, reaching out for me.
It was like she knew what I was going to do even before I did.
I turned around and left.