She peered up at me with sad eyes, and I swear on everything that was holy I thought I was looking in the goddamn mirror. Like it was me as the little girl, staring back at me as the woman.
“My mommy died. She’s with the angels now. It’s just me and my daddy. He will find me.” She smiled. “He always does.”
I jerked back like she had slapped me across the face.
My life flashed before my eyes, the past, the present. She went back to her drawing as if what she had just told me didn’t change my entire future.
Everything that I so desperately wanted, now becoming everything I could never have.
I gently rubbed the back of her head, wanting to touch her soft hair, to look at her baby face, to take in the little girl that I would never have.
At least not…
In this life.
Chapter 27
<>Austin<>
It had been well over a month since the party. Since the night I royally fucked up. Briggs still wasn’t talking to me. She barely fucking looked at me anymore. It was like I disgusted her. Every time I tried to reach for her in bed and pull her into me, she would move away. I would try again, hoping she would give into me, but she would just get up and go sleep on the couch.
I didn’t stop trying though.
I never would.
It didn’t matter what I said or what I did. I failed at every attempt to get my girl back. Every last one of my efforts were shot down.
I hated that she was so pissed at me. It was the worst fucking feeling in the world not being able to make things right. I hated seeing her so depressed and not being able to bring her back to the light.
Bring her back to me.
I should have never caused her darkness in the first place. I knew the kid was there, but I was so fucked up, it just didn’t register. I wasn’t proud of it by any means, but shit happens. I would think she would have been a little more understanding. She used to do all these drugs with me. It was never a fucking problem until it was. I couldn’t even remember the last time she actually partied with me. She didn’t even smoke weed anymore.
I went out with the boys one night, hoping that if I gave her the space that she obviously wanted, she would maybe miss me. We could work this out and have things go back to the way they used to be. I was so fucking depressed because my girl wouldn’t even fucking glance at me, let alone talk to me. I just wanted to forget the hurt I felt in my heart from the dagger she was fucking stabbing me with.
I wanted to get away for a few hours, just kick back and have a few beers. I promised myself that I wouldn’t get high.
I would be better for her.
Instead I found myself at Jon’s place and one thing led to another and I ended up trying crack for the first time. I had no excuse for it… other than for a few short hours it took away the pain. The hurt I felt deep within my soul was numbed. I was able to forget that she was upset with me.
That I may have lost a piece of her heart.
At first I turned it down when Mitch said he had some rock on him. I wasn’t much for uppers, I mean I did blow and shit, but that was only to wake up and come off the downers. Oxys were still my drug of choice. The boys started smoking it and it smelled so fucking good. I couldn’t say no. Before I knew it the pipe was in my hand and not even three seconds later I felt like I was the king of the goddamn world. But it wasn’t my cup of tea, like I said I wasn’t a fan of amphetamines.
I got home late as shit that night, but I always went home to Briggs.
No matter what.
She was waiting up for me, lying on the couch, wrapped in the blanket that I had made for her. As soon as she saw me walk through the door she released a visible breath, shut off the light, and turned her back to me to go to sleep.
Not uttering a word.
As much as I hated that she did that, it was better than having her see what state of mind I was in. I thought I was in the clear, but drugs make you do very stupid fucking things. I would never lie to her.
I was just omitting the truth.
When I came home the next day after doing a few runs, she was sitting in bed with my jeans in her hands. The same jeans I wore out the night before.
I knew what was coming next. I knew what she found, but it still didn’t prepare me for the hurt I felt in disappointing her yet again. The girl that meant everything to me.
Absolutely everything.
“I thought I would do something nice for you today,” she said in a desolate tone, breaking my goddamn heart even more.
“Baby… let me—”
“Let you what? Explain? Apologize? Lie—”
“I don’t lie to you,” I stated, grabbing the back of my neck. Looking down at the floor, feeling guilty as hell.
“Right,” she sarcastically laughed. “You only lie to yourself.”