“Because I wanted…I wanted…us to be over.” That wasn’t exactly true, but the words came out in a flood. She hadn’t wanted it to be over. Not really. She’d just wanted the pain to stop.
“If I had told you,” she continued, “nothing would have changed. You would have kept coming around, and I would have continued letting you. I couldn’t go on like that. I couldn’t.” Her eyes heated and to her horror, she felt on the verge of tears.
“Why didn’t you tell me about my son?”
“Because you never wanted him. You never wanted me.”
“I deserved to know, damn it.”
“I didn’t want him hurt!” She hadn’t meant to say it, but now that it was out in the open, she wasn’t going to take it back.
He shot her a narrow-eyed look. “You know damn good and well I would never hurt a child. Any child.”
“Not maliciously. Not on purpose. But I know what kind of man you are, Buzz. And I just happen to know from experience that you’re exactly the kind of man who would end up hurting him.”
He started toward her. “How can you possibly believe Eddie’s better off without a father?”
“He needs a man who’s going to be there for him. A man he can count on. Not some superhero he’ll never be able to measure up to.”
“Like your Mr. Corporate America, huh?”
She gaped at him, shocked that he would bring up Taylor Quelhorst at a time like this. “I am not involved with Taylor.”
“You might want to clue him in on that because I’ve seen the way he looks at you. And you can bet your next paycheck once he gets you to Tahoe things are going to change.”
“Taylor has nothing to do with any of this!”
“Don’t lie to me, Kel. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about getting involved with him. I know he has. He can’t keep his goddamn eyes off you. He can barely keep his tongue in his mouth when he looks at you.”
“That’s not true!”
“Or maybe you’re willing to sell yourself out to land a good father for Eddie, is that it? Someone who doesn’t spend his days jumping out of helicopters and skiing in avalanche season.”
“Go to hell!” She whirled away from him, but he caught her arm and stopped her.
“Don’t turn away from me,” he growled.
“Let go of me!
“We’re not finished.”
“We’ve been finished for a very long time!”
“Why don’t you tell me the real reason you didn’t tell me about Eddie?” he snarled.
Kelly gaped at him. Anxiety clenched her stomach so hard she was nauseous. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You knew if you told me about Eddie that I would want to be part of his life, didn’t you?”
She tried to shove away from him, but he now gripped both biceps tightly. “No!”
“You knew you’d have to deal with me. That I would be not only part of Eddie’s life, but yours too. Isn’t that the real reason you never told me?”
“Buzz, please, just stop it.”
“You don’t have the guts to deal with me, Kel, do you? You don’t have the guts to deal with a man who’s willing to put his life on the line for what he believes in or for what he loves. You just can’t handle that can you?”
“That’s not true.”
“It’s true and you know it. Your father was that kind of man, wasn’t he? And your brother Kyle followed in his old man’s footsteps, didn’t he?”
The mention of her brother’s name went through her like a straight razor. “My brother and father have nothing to do with this.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Kel. They have everything to do with this. That’s why you’re not being truthful with me. That’s why you’re not even being truthful to yourself.”
She succeeded in twisting away. “Stay away from me.”
“I’m nothing like your father.”
Raising her hands, she took a step back. “You’re exactly like him. And sooner or later you’re going to get yourself killed.” She put a trembling hand over her mouth. “I couldn’t bear it, Buzz. I swear, I couldn’t bear losing you that way.”
Her own words horrified her. She hadn’t meant to say them, hadn’t mean to crack open her heart that way.
“Jack was an adrenaline freak, Kel. I’m not. I might have a job you consider dangerous, but I sure don’t have a death wish.”
“You keep forgetting, Buzz, I’m the one who sat in the intensive care unit at the hospital going slowly insane until the surgeon came out and told me you were going to make it through the night. I won’t live my life that way, and I won’t put my son through losing his father.”
“I’m not a cop anymore.”
“Search and Rescue is dangerous work.”
“It’s important work, but not nearly as dangerous as most people think.” He sighed. “Maybe it’s not me you’re worried about. Maybe it’s Eddie.”
She stared at him, keenly aware of her heart rapping a hard tattoo against her ribs. And for the first time, she knew he understood. And for the first time she understood clearly herself.