Charlie, Presumed Dead by Anne Heltzel
1
Aubrey
The girl with the shimmery tights and fringed, calf-high boots is staring in my direction again. She looks like she’s been crying for days now. Exactly twelve, if I were to guess—because that’s the time that’s passed between now and the day Charlie went missing. It’s been twelve days since he took his parents’ Cessna for a joyride—ten since initial debris from the wreckage was found in the North Sea off the coast of Durham, where the Prices have an estate. No one knows why he took the plane out; he’d never done it before, and he didn’t have a license. But the bits of recovered debris have convinced police that the plane exploded. They think it happened in the air, before the plane went down—some sort of fuel leak. Now Charlie is presumed dead.
The girl’s eyes are a startling blue against the blotchy skin of her face; they stand out even from all the way across the room. She’s in the foyer, a few feet north of the entrance to the actual room where we’re supposed to pay our respects. She leans up against a faux wood table while I stand opposite, nearer to the building’s entrance. The table is the foldaway kind they use in cheap offices and cafeterias, and it looks like the girl needs it to support her frame. The table itself buckles a little under her weight, giving the impression that one of them—it or her—is about to collapse. Her black leather jacket has zippered sleeves, and her hair is the kind of blond that’s almost white. It’s long and wavy like a fairy’s or maybe an elf’s, and it floats in a halo around her bloated red face. It’s difficult to look at her grief. Seeing it makes it harder to force back my own.
I’m chewing on some gum. It’s my worst habit when I’m anxious, and I’ve been feeling frayed for the past few months at least. I’m putting off the moment when I’ll have to walk inside the main room, where the service is being held. I can tell she’s doing the same. It’s in her body language: the way she pushes her heels against the floor and leans back. I wonder who she is and why she doesn’t look familiar. I think about how maybe she’s a cousin—maybe Kate, Charlie’s mom’s sister’s daughter. Kate had straight brown hair in the picture he showed me, but people go through changes; they do funny things with boxes of hair dye and curling irons and magenta lipstick. I look inside the room that contains Charlie’s empty casket, and the pit in my stomach deepens and twists.
My eyes dart back to the girl, and I have to make efforts not to stare too hard. I watch her resist as an older woman tugs at her wrist and pulls her in the direction of the larger room. Strains of tinny classical music emanating from overhead speakers surround me. My jaw opens and closes rhythmically around my wintergreen gum. It’s beginning to lose its flavor. The girl turns toward me again, staring hard. She meets my eyes, and in that brief second I realize: I could be looking into a mirror. My messy dark hair, cut short with bangs, is the opposite of the ethereal image she projects. I wince. I hate looking at my reflection. I haven’t been able to look at myself for months now without feeling sick inside. But I can tell without having to look that my eyes are puffy like hers; my shoulders droop in the same way; my guilt and grief are in evidence all over me, just like hers.
More people are filtering in. There are lots of official government-looking types, probably Charlie’s dad’s colleagues—he’s a British diplomat. Hundreds of people have come to Paris for the memorial. Even though his dad moved around every couple of years, they always kept a home here. Charlie said they considered it home base, since it’s where most of the extended family lives.
Someone must have turned up the sound system, because the music is suddenly drowning out everyone’s soft murmurs. I can’t explain why the girl’s gaze is making me uncomfortable, or why mine keeps returning to her face with magnetic force. I’m jet-lagged and my whole face feels heavy from crying. My boyfriend is presumed dead and I’m alone in Paris for the first time ever. I could be on another planet for how strange it all feels.