Kelly sat there for a moment, struggling to get herself under control. She’d seen him upset before. Many times, in fact, and most of those times she was the cause. She’d seen him rant and rave and cuss the world. But in all the years she’d known him, she’d never seen him like this. She’d never seen him so angry he shook.
“You almost died the night you were shot, Buzz,” she whispered. “That was when I knew it wasn’t going to work. No matter how…powerful things were between us, no matter how much I cared for you, I knew it wasn’t enough.”
“But I didn’t die, Kel, did I?”
“If the bullet had been a fraction of an inch in the other direction, you would have been paralyzed for the rest of your life.”
“You can’t live your life based on ifs,” he snapped. “It didn’t happen.”
“When you came home from the hospital and told me you were going to be retiring from the PD, I was so happy. When that corporate security job came up, I thought our problems were over. I thought I would never have to worry about you getting shot in some back alley or warehouse. I begged you to take that job. You were barely out of the wheelchair when you announced you were going to take the team leader position with Rocky Mountain Search and Rescue.”
“Search and Rescue work is not the same as being a cop. Not even close.”
“Jumping out of helicopters, skiing into avalanche-prone areas in winter, rappelling down sheer cliffs. Don’t tell me you’re not an adrenaline junkie.”
He stared hard at her, his jaw flexing.
“You made a choice that day, Buzz. You chose living on the edge over our marriage. Over me and any future we might have had together.”
“I am who I am, Kel. Nothing will ever change that. Not you. Not whatever job I take.” Turning abruptly, he paced back over to her.
“That’s why we’re not together, Buzz. That’s why our marriage didn’t last.”
He stared at her long enough to make her want to squirm. “When did we…when did you get pregnant?” he asked.
She didn’t want to talk about the lonely weeks following the divorce. The countless nights she’d lain awake, unable to sleep because she’d missed him so desperately. Because she’d hurt him so deeply. She knew he would never admit it—not big, strong, I-don’t-need-anyone Buzz Malone—but she’d hurt him as badly as a man could be hurt by a woman. She knew that now, had known it then, and she had learned to live with it, accept it because she knew what the alternative was.
“You came to me several times after you moved out, Buzz. After the divorce.”
Choking out a humorless laugh, he lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jesus.”
Responsibility for what she’d done pressed down on her. Kelly had never been irresponsible or impulsive or even prone to lapses in judgment, though she had made more than a few mistakes in her lifetime—most of them involving the man standing before her. After their breakup, she’d been desperate to make a clean break, even if that had meant doing something irrevocable.
“You didn’t waste any time going off the pill. You sure as hell didn’t bother to tell me you had.”
“I know it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but, for God’s sake, Buzz, the fact that I still needed those pills was just one more tie to you that needed to be severed. I mean, it wasn’t like I was going to be with anyone else. In my mind, I no longer needed birth control.”
Remembering more than was wise at the moment, she raised her gaze to his. He lifted his head to look at her and his jaw flexed. She instinctively knew he was remembering that last night. He’d come to her the night he received the divorce papers in the mail. It had been a night of angry words, of unbearable heartbreak, and finally, of pain-numbing passion. When she’d wakened in the morning he’d been gone, and she’d known he would never come back.
“Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I believe my going off the pill was more symbolic than anything else.”
Buzz groaned. “Oh, Kel. Jesus.”
“It’s not like we planned to end up in bed. It’s not like either of us kept condoms on hand. I mean, we were married for three years.”
“Kel, why didn’t you say something?”
“Don’t tell me cold, hard knowledge would have stopped us that night. You know as well as I do that nothing could have stopped what happened between us.” The thought of everything they’d done the night Eddie was conceived sent a hot blush to her cheeks. Even though they’d been divorced and hurting, their hearts in turmoil, their lovemaking had been one of the most erotic experiences of her entire life. It was as if for a few short hours, they’d transformed pain into passion and made magic one final time.
“Two months later my doctor confirmed I was pregnant.”
“You haven’t been with anyone else?”
She wanted to tell him to go to hell, but she held her tongue. He deserved the truth. “No.”
“Why didn’t you call me? For chrissake, you could have sent me a letter.”