What If

“Darcy…” My voice betrayed me, begging her to tell me this was some sick joke.

“He might not make it, Briar.” Squeezing my eyes closed, I dropped the phone to the floor, my hands turned into fists.

“No,” I said to myself. “No.” I repeated, slamming my fists onto the tiles of the bathroom floor. “NO!” I couldn’t stop; my anger, my fright, my horror at the idea of Arrow not existing in this world any more was too heavy on my shoulders. It was too much. I beat my hands continually until they were turning shades of red and purple. I drew those same fists to my stomach and applied pressure to what felt like a gaping hole.

That’s how Killian found me when he came home. I was still pressing my hands into my belly as I rocked back and forth. Tears must have been falling, but I couldn’t feel them. He reached for me, and I lost it, shoving his arms away from me and screaming at the top of my lungs.

“Don’t touch me!” I shouted as loudly as I could.

“Briar, sweetheart, Darcy called me. Come here.” With pity etched on his face he kneeled down and tried to pull me into his arms.

I stood up and slapped his hands. “I said don’t touch me!” I ran my hands through my hair and yanked the base near the roots as hard as I could, trying to feel anything. Nothing would cut through the mire of desperation.

Killian held his hands up, showing me he wasn’t going to touch me, and he stepped closer. “Darcy is on her way here. She was trying to get through to you, but all she could here was this constant pounding sound and mumbling. She’s worried.”

“Where is she?” I asked and ran out to the living room. “I need Darcy.” I was beginning to panic. “Darcy,” I said.

“She’s not here yet. Honey, sit down. Let me get you some water.”

“I don’t want any fucking water, Killian!” Digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands and turning to face him, I said, “Arrow is going to die, and you want to get me some water?”

Darcy entered the room while Killian and I stood, staring at one another. I couldn’t think about his hurt feelings; I couldn’t think about anything.

“Briar. Briar?” Darcy pulled me into her arms, holding me as strongly as she could.

“He can’t die,” I whispered. I wasn’t talking to anyone in particular; I think I was mostly telling God, pleading for him to not take Arrow away.

“I know. I know.” Darcy started talking to Killian over my shoulder. “I’m going to take her with me for a little while, okay?”

She kept an arm around me as she guided me to her car. The engine fired up, and she started driving. She pulled over in an empty park’s parking lot.

“Do you want to hear what I know?” I think I nodded. “He was on his second tour in Afghanistan. You remember me telling you he was there, right?

“Yeah, I thought his tour was almost over though,” I said quietly.

She frowned. “He had three days left before coming home. He was almost home free.” She shook her head in disbelief. “He was shot in the thigh and in his chest. Lacey was the one that shared all of this information online, but she said he’d already been seriously wounded. She wasn’t sure about all the details. Not even his wife knows what the hell happened.” She shrugged her shoulders and took my hands in hers. “He’s in critical condition and in a coma. They don’t know if the wounds will heal, let alone his brain.”

“Where is he?” I asked.

“They couldn’t risk flying him to the U.S.. He’s still over there, Briar.”

“What are his chances to make it through this?”

“I don’t know. I think they’re just doing the best they can right now. I’m sure Lacey will keep us all updated.” She flipped my hand around and stared at the swollen skin. “What did you do?” Worry lines pulled down the sides of her mouth.

“It’s fine.” I took my hands and tucked them under my thighs. They were stinging and tender, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“Briar, look at me,” Darcy commanded gently. I moved my eyes to her blue ones. “I’ve known for a long time, okay?”

“Known what?” I leaned my head against the window, keeping my stare on hers.

“Your feelings for Arrow.” I worked to keep my face bare of my thoughts. She gave me one of those sad smiles which hurt worse than pity. “I saw the way you and Arrow were together when I was dating him. I tried to tell myself you two were only friends and that I was just being a jealous girlfriend, but when he and I broke up, it was like this fogged up glass in front of me began to clear. I could see what had been in front of me for all those years. You two loved each other, and I was the one who got in the way.” She broke eye contact, looking anywhere but at me. “I don’t know what happened between you two. I don’t know why you both suddenly stopped talking to one another. But there was a change in you when you came back from his boot camp graduation. You still loved him; that was still there. It was less obvious, but I learned what that looked like on you. I’ve tried to keep you in the loop with what I find out online because despite all these years, I’ve always thought those feelings were still there. Now I know you still love him.”

I blinked rapidly, unable to believe how much she noticed, how much she knew. “I’ll always care about him.” I cleared my throat. “He was my best friend for years. But even if I did love him once, it’s been years since I’ve even spoken a word to him. I couldn’t still love someone who I don’t even know anymore.”

“I don’t think there are any set rules about how love works, Briar.”

“I love Killian.” I turned away from her and sat facing forward, suddenly ready to go home.

“I know you do, so why don’t I take you back home? This probably isn’t the way he imagined spending your first anniversary together.” She put the car in drive. We were both alone in our own thoughts as she drove away from the park.

Darcy figured out that I’d been in love with her boyfriend. I wanted to explain that I never made any moves on him; I never crossed that line when they were together. I would’ve never done that to her. But another part of me wanted to scream at her for knowing my true feelings and dating him all those years. I locked it all down, just like I’d done all this time, because letting the truth out wouldn’t help anyone. None of it mattered anyway. None of it mattered when Arrow was lying in a hospital bed in critical condition in another country, and he would die without me ever hearing his voice or seeing his face again. I’d never touch his skin or smell the earthy tobacco on his clothes. Part of me thought I was over Arrow. Most of the time I tried to pretend he didn’t exist unless Darcy came to me with more information. However, hearing this news only brought those feelings I had tried to bury deep down back to the surface. I didn’t want to love Arrow because loving Arrow and losing him in this way would break me.





Noises surrounded me. I couldn’t see what was causing any of them because my eyes were closed tight and refused to open even when I demanded them. Constant beeps and pumping noises filled the otherwise quiet room. My entire body felt like it had been ran over by a freight train. There could’ve been stones lying on top of me, holding each of my limbs down because not a finger would move. There was burning pain, like a flame was lit inside of me and charred a large hole in both my chest and in my leg. I wanted to open my mouth and scream for help, to demand someone to douse me with ice water. This was torture. It had to be torture. I was going to die without knowing who was doing the killing.