What If

Even though the heat was agonizing outside, especially in our heavy uniforms, when the realization that she wasn’t there dawned on me, it felt like someone had taken a bucket full of ice cold water and drenched me in it. Then, after my body nearly convulsed from its frozen state, another bucket dumped on me, never stopping, turning my heart into a frozen piece of ice that couldn’t pump and refused to beat. I didn’t think my heart would ever completely thaw, but I’d have to try. I’d try like hell to never let anyone know how ruined I felt knowing Briar would no longer be a part of my life. But the scars she left inside of me would forever exist, not for anyone else to see, but for me to feel.

I smiled and chatted “happily” with my parents and Lacey. She couldn’t keep her hands off of me and I welcomed it, prayed the warmth of her body would defrost mine. My eyes stayed trained on the people surrounding me, and I halted my thoughts when they’d start to waver to Briar. I didn’t need to think of her anymore. I shouldn’t think of her anymore.

I had a ten day leave after boot camp before I reported to the School of Infantry, or as we call it, SOI. I wasn’t going back to Greenville for those ten days because now it seemed like a complete waste of my time. Instead, Lacey agreed to stay with me until I had to head out.

Those ten days went by quickly, and I found that I liked Lacey. I liked her a lot. The friendship we had back in middle school sprang back easily. We’d never been best friends, but we were compatible. She wasn’t invasive with her questions, she never asked me about my past and who I’d been with. She was beautiful, and she wanted to be with me. I had never considered the idea that Lacey was the person I should be serious with, that Lacey was the person I could have a relationship with, that Lacey was the person who would be able to handle everything that comes with dating a Marine. It wouldn’t be an easy thing to do. I’d heard the horror stories: wives, girlfriends, fiancées cheating on us while we were off completing SOI and then MOS (military occupational school). It only gets worse when we’re actually deployed. It was a fact that most relationships would struggle and majority wouldn’t work out. But Lacey seemed ecstatic to be dating a “man in uniform,” and always made comments about how sexy she thought I looked and how she’d make the time we had together really count.

When I left for SOI, Lacey and I decided we wanted to make this an official and exclusive relationship. She was my girlfriend. She saw me off, kissed me like she was going to jump my bones in front of everyone, and then left.

I considered calling Briar. I wanted to. I kept thinking about the night we had in the hotel room the night before I left. The image of her in her underwear was going to be a difficult picture to burn from my brain. The softness of her skin would forever be embedded in my memory, the way she trembled under my touch when I nearly kissed her, the feel of holding her all night long. Well, it all seemed like a distant dream, things that never actually happened. Because if the feelings I felt that night, if the energy I was picking up from her was all real, then why did she stop writing me? Why didn’t she come to my graduation? Why did she choose to leave my life?



I changed a lot in my nine weeks at the SOI. I was learning to live without Briar. I wouldn’t say it was easy. It would never be easy, but I was growing strong physically and psychologically. I learned how to recognize when my emotions ruled my logic, and I didn’t allow it to happen. It took practice. I screwed up some nights, and my thoughts would inevitably veer into dangerous territory. But it was getting simpler.

My relationship with Lacey grew stronger despite the distance. She wrote, I called her whenever I was allotted the time, and sometimes we were even able to video chat. The time sped by faster than boot camp. Before long I was headed to MOS to train for my specific occupation.

MOS was a lot like what I assumed college would be like. There were classes I had to attend and pass in order to graduate. Depending on your specialty, it could take anywhere from three weeks to a full year to finish the courses. Mine would take ten weeks. We had days off; any government-recognized holidays, and we could have visitors too.

“Hey baby,” Lacey said excitedly. “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” I held the phone between my shoulder and ear.

“Me too. I’ll be at the airport early, just in case your plane arrives before expected.”

“Will we have any alone time?” Her voice grew lower.

I grinned. “I think I can make that happen.”

“You better. I’m coming prepared,” she teased.

I adjusted my pants. “What exactly does that entail?” Looking around me, I made sure no one could hear our conversation. The guys would give me hell, and often times did, when they heard Lacey croon about how much she loved me and me hurriedly answer that I felt the same way.

We were at the point where we would either love one another or we wouldn’t. I wholeheartedly believed that you’d know if you have a future with someone within the first couple months of dating them. If you don’t see anything past the present with them, if you can’t imagine it growing more serious, then by that second month, you need to let that person go before one person’s feelings grow stronger while the others stay in limbo, never changing, never becoming more. Now that I’d eventually learned that Briar’s and my future didn’t exist, I was able to look past what I thought my life had coming and instead see what I could have. I could have a life with Lacey, and it would be a good one.

I intended to make that life with Lacey happen soon. Her upcoming visit wasn’t the first time she came out to see me. She’d done it more than once, and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. She wanted this to work, so she made it happen.



Arrow blocked me from being able to view any of his online profiles a few days after the horrible graduation incident. As far as I knew he had no idea I ever arrived, unless Lacey told him, which I doubted. But he didn’t seem to care whether or not I had been there either. He didn’t call me; I didn’t call him.

After I got home, I put all my energy into building a strong partnership with my boyfriend Killian. After another month of us steadily dating, without him pushing for a progression in our relationship, I brought up the elephant in the room.

“I’m ready, Killian,” I said out of nowhere one evening in his apartment. We were watching a sports game on television, but really neither of us cared about the teams involved. We just wanted to spend time together and with nothing else to do, we always ended up intertwined on his bed, acting like we actually cared about what was on the television. I knew he was thinking about things between the two us because that’s what was constantly on my mind, especially when he was next to me, pressing against my skin.

“Ready for what?” He turned his gaze away from the game, giving me his full attention.

I lifted my right hand and cupped his left cheek. Slowly, I moved forward and pressed my lips softly to his. I pulled back enough to catch his eyes with mine, then pressed my mouth to his again and bit softly at his lower lip, hoping he would understand where I was going. Still, he didn’t take control. He most likely didn’t want to push his luck, so I took the reins and moved things further. My hand slid from his cheek, down his throat and his chest, until I was at the bottom of his shirt. I skimmed my hand under the cloth, skin on skin. His body was hot, but mine was on fire. My fingers trembled from nerves even though I knew that I wanted this with him. He’d been good to me in a way no one else had ever been. He was my rock, the person who held me up when I felt like my world was falling apart. I was beginning to love him. When my hand moved south and pressed on the hardness in his jeans, he let out a moan but grabbed my hand, keeping it from doing more.