What If

During my five hour wait at the airport, I drank an espresso and began surfing the web on my phone. I ended up on Arrow’s page because that’s where I always ended up, and saw at least fifty new pictures uploaded. Every single one of those photographs were he and Lacey. Some of them they were kissing; they even had one where his tongue was clearly down her nasty throat. I sped past that one, but studied each one after that. They looked happy, really happy, like an actual couple-in-love kind of happy. Instantly, I regretted not asking Arrow more questions about his new, blooming relationship with Lacey. I had no idea they’d grown so close while he was away. Arrow looked different too. He’d always been tall, broad, and strong, but the muscles in his shoulders were larger, his arms thicker. His hair was cut down to a buzz. I’d never seen him like that in all the years I’d known him. His hair had always been a little on the long side, long enough that the ends curled. Now no one would ever know he had naturally curly hair. It was short enough that it looked straight and prickly to the touch. He looked good, but he didn’t look like my Arrow.



Before long, I was boarding my plane. There were a number of different people joining me. There were some couples in their thirties or forties, an elderly gentleman smiling ear to ear, a baby that was already crying, a few nervous-looking pre-teens. I didn’t know whom they were flying to see or if they were possibly flying back to their homes.

I was on edge, and each loud shrill from a small toddler at the back of plane wasn’t helping. It wasn’t the baby’s hysterics that were necessarily making me tense, but instead, it felt like a bad omen.

I’d only been on a plane once before which meant I was the typical, jumpy passenger every time the turbulence shook the giant flying mobile in the sky. I stuck my earphones into my lobes and blared the mix on my iPod. It started with Breaking Benjamin’s Breath and then moved to Staind. Eventually it found its way to playing the one song my subconscious was dying to hear, “Dear God”. After it played once, I put it on repeat, closing my eyes and leaning my head against the window to my left.

A couple hours later we touched down. I collected my bag from the carry-on compartment and all but ran out of the airport, searching for a taxi. When one opened the door for me, I jumped in and handed over the directions I had written on a pink post-it.

I looked at my phone constantly, worrying that I was going to miss the entire ceremony. I wasn’t sure how long these sorts of things lasted, but I hoped they were lengthy and drawn out.

When we pulled up to the location on the directions, I noticed people gathered in small groups, chatting and having a good time. The graduation was evidently over, but it seemed most people were still meandering around. I opened the back door of the white taxi and stepped out. The driver rolled down his window and spouted off the amount I owed him. I didn’t hear him because I caught sight of Arrow.

My legs started to give out on me, causing me to lean heavily on the car.

“Are you alright, lady?” the driver asked. I ignored his question because the answer was too personal and too hard to explain.

Arrow couldn’t see me. His back was facing me; Lacey on the other hand had a clear view of where I stood. She was talking a lot with her hands, moving them around excitedly and smiling with all of her teeth up at Arrow. He kept touching her every chance he got: her hands, shoulder, even her face. Each time he would graze her skin, I felt my own go cold. I debated on whether or not this was a good time to interrupt them, but my legs wouldn’t move from where they stood.

Then my decision was made. Lacey looked up over Arrow’s shoulder, her features changed only slightly, but I noticed. She raised an eyebrow at me, daring me to come forward. She reached up with her right hand and put it on the back of Arrow’s neck, pulling him down so his lips would meet hers. He didn’t think twice about it. He bent down and meshed his mouth on hers, tongues intertwining, bodies pressing closer together in a way that showed they’d be more than kissing as soon as they got some privacy.

All the blood left my face and a cold sweat broke out across my forehead. Arrow wasn’t heart broken by the thought of me not being here. He played the guilt card on me over the phone for not writing him, making it sound like I’d wronged him in an unforgiveable way when in reality, Arrow no longer cared whether or not I was privy to these important milestones of his life. He wasn’t kidding when he said our friendship would be over if I missed his graduation. I had no idea how quickly that would take effect.

He cupped Lacey’s cheeks in the same affectionate way that he’d done to me many times in the past, and I couldn’t watch it anymore. I opened the door to the taxi and took the seat I’d just been in.

“Take me back to the airport, please,” I choked out.

The driver looked in the rearview mirror. “Are you sure? You’re not looking good there, lady, should I go get whomever you came to see?” he asked.

“There’s no one here for me to see.” I looked out my window just in time to see Lacey’s smug smile. She won. “Please, I’m sorry for wasting your time, but I need to get back to the airport as soon as possible.” I tried to sit straight in my seat. I tried to hold the tears at bay. I tried to look composed and calm. I tried to look like my entire life didn’t just vanish. I had no one to help hold me together. But I had to appear calm until we were far enough away from Lacey and Arrow. I wouldn’t let her know what she took from me, how severely she shattered me.

Once we were on the highway, sobs rocked my body. When the dry heaves took over, the driver pulled into a gas station and grabbed a wet towel and bought me a bottle of water. I thanked him through my congestion and tears. I felt pathetic, fragile, and worthless; three words I’d never want anyone to describe me with. Still, when we took off towards the airport again, I continued to cry. The sobs became whimpers as I thought back to my past with Arrow. I loved him. I think I always would. Our past was riddled with laughter, compassion, pain, forgiveness, eagerness, and love. Whether Arrow still cared for me would no longer matter, but I knew… I knew that our friendship had been real, profound, and full of love.

We were driving away from Arrow’s future of which I would no longer be a part. It seemed right to look back on our time together because that’s where I was heading: back to Arrow’s past.

When we pulled in to the drop off area, I wiped my face and made a silent promise to stop living in the past and to start living in the present. I would never let another person have the kind of hold on me that Arrow did. I would never allow another human being to embed themselves into my soul because healing a broken heart was hard enough… healing the soul was impossible. How can you heal something that no longer belongs to you?

“You’ll be all right, kid,” the driver said confidently with a slight smile.

“Yeah, I will.” I smiled back and handed him a hefty amount of money with an even larger tip.

Then I flew back home, and I went on with my life.





She didn’t come. During graduation my eyes wandered constantly, looking, searching, for Briar in the crowd. Even when the event was almost over, I didn’t give up all hope. I searched every face, I told myself I couldn’t see because she was hidden behind a large man or maybe she had to run to the restroom. But, when it was all over, when families were gathering together, when Briar was still nowhere to be found, I knew she didn’t come.